Au Pair Parroting Racist/homophobic Comments

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A couple of thoughts:

On whether you are f***cked - I remember acutely the panic of thinking you might be left without childcare, and I'm sure this is exacerbated by the earlier au pair leaving early, but this is why agencies exist. They can help you correct this behavior, or help you find coverage if the behavior persists.

Can you give us even a vague sense of where she is from? Some of us might be able to help with a specific script based on our own backgrounds.

However, I agree with those who are saying you need to treat her the way you would a wayward young cousin or something.

Why, though? This woman is an employee.

The au pair relationship is different, down to the fact that she's basically here on an educational visa. Part of the arrangement when you take in an au pair is that you are getting low-cost childcare, but you are also adding a very young adult who is in a new country (typically for the first time) to your household. It's not as clean as an employer-employee relationship and if you want something that clean, you should be willing to pay overtime to get the kind of hours you can get from an au pair.

[Anonymous]

I would treat this more like for an employee and tell her to please not repeat racist and homophonic ideas to me or the children. Hopefully that will be the end of that but if she insists just say that you don't make generalizations of groups of people unless you're talking about people's professions.

Personally I would be worried because we have Hispanic friends and I would be hesitatant to have one of my child's minority friends over while the au pair is home.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately it's everywhere around here. I owned a local nanny agency for a decade and I'd routinely have to dismiss nannies and families alike for blatant racism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A couple of thoughts:

On whether you are f***cked - I remember acutely the panic of thinking you might be left without childcare, and I'm sure this is exacerbated by the earlier au pair leaving early, but this is why agencies exist. They can help you correct this behavior, or help you find coverage if the behavior persists.

Can you give us even a vague sense of where she is from? Some of us might be able to help with a specific script based on our own backgrounds.

However, I agree with those who are saying you need to treat her the way you would a wayward young cousin or something.

Why, though? This woman is an employee.

The au pair relationship is different, down to the fact that she's basically here on an educational visa. Part of the arrangement when you take in an au pair is that you are getting low-cost childcare, but you are also adding a very young adult who is in a new country (typically for the first time) to your household. It's not as clean as an employer-employee relationship and if you want something that clean, you should be willing to pay overtime to get the kind of hours you can get from an au pair.

It's still best for both parties to have appropriate boundaries. This person isn't a family member.

[Anonymous]

Most au pairs are stupid. If they were intellectuals they’d be in college.

Just make sure she doesn’t speak about inappropriate things in front of your child. You can tell her what she can talk about with the children and police that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had a white Au pair from South Africa, who made some inappropriate racist comments. In my case, it helped me to remember that she was very young (19) with very little education (just high school) and VERY little life experience. So I started a dialog with her and tried to educate her - or at least give her understanding of race relations in the US.

I would take the same approach here. Imagine she’s your daughter, and instead of reprimanding her out the gate, consider whether she is just purely ignorant, and if you can help her learn and grow. Or at the very least, by calling her out, she’ll learn that those comments aren’t welcome in your home.

OP here. Thank you PP. I'm concerned that even calling out these comments won't stop them. (We can't police an au pair all the time.) It's also not that easy to essentially kick someone out of your house. Omg, am I fu***d.

It would be extremely easy for me to kick out a racist person from my house if they are spewing junk around my kids. The only reason you would be effed is if you have no spine to stand up to this.
+1 to 8:12

OP here. Thank you for your thoughts, seriously. But the problem is not my spine. When I was working, I was a litigator and I got into argument with federal prosecutors on a regularly basis and I stood up to federal court of appeals judges without blinking. The problem is having to go through the rigermoroo of having to find yet another au pair. Still don't know what to do, hmmm.

BTW, I could care less about who is her boyfriend as long as his toxicity doesn't enter my house.

OP we have been there and ended up dumping the au pair program after a truly horrible match that they pushed on us. I get that others are saying you can correct her and not allow him in the house, but I wouldn’t want my kids spending time alone w/ someone stupid enough to even be with someone like that. This has nothing to do with having compassion - it’s a business relationship and she’s not providing her end of what she should. Sure she may be doing the job but you can’t have your kids around someone who will even repeat garbage like that.

[Anonymous]

Find another person. Lay out clear expectations with agency and people regarding racist etc language.

[Anonymous]

OP - thank you for the sincere comments, here is a sincere parenting question.

My mom is old and openly racist (although she has a gay friend and she has chosen to despise homophobia, go figure). My children see her, hear her, and love her. We're discussed that we love her, but her habit of attributing characteristics based on race is wrong and demonstrates horrible judgment in that area. I think that they get it and that they benefit from that relationship along with my feedback.

Is it possible that it is valuable to expose children to ignorance coupled with an explanation (to use religious terms, love the sinner, hate the sin or to use street terms, hate the game, don't hate the player)?

[Anonymous]

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, however they are not immune from any and all repercussions if they voice those opinions.

You can let your let your AP know that a consequence of voicing those opinions in front of your family will be immediate dismissal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our last au pair abruptly left and we were really hoping to start fresh. Our new au pair quickly became attached to a new American boyfriend and, like plenty of young girls, the new au pair has taken on her new boyfriend's persona. "Scott says that hispanics are lazy and that no one is really gay, just promiscuous." Wtf? I haven’t heard her say things like this around my child (who would understand), but I'm concerned that this stupidity can affect my child, even subtly. I wouldn't tolerate this language from my child, but she's not my child and we're not even close. WWYD?

I’d respect her opinions/thoughts, just as she respects yours!! NOT your child and her personal/love life is non of your business-period. To make the assumption that she’s taking on a new ‘persona’ is your own personal believe. Would you like society to tolerate and respecte you and yours?? Start with yourself, simple as that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most au pairs are stupid. If they were intellectuals they’d be in college.

Just make sure she doesn’t speak about inappropriate things in front of your child. You can tell her what she can talk about with the children and police that.

Would this be equal as to say: parents that hired AP are DUMB?!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had a white Au pair from South Africa, who made some inappropriate racist comments. In my case, it helped me to remember that she was very young (19) with very little education (just high school) and VERY little life experience. So I started a dialog with her and tried to educate her - or at least give her understanding of race relations in the US.

I would take the same approach here. Imagine she’s your daughter, and instead of reprimanding her out the gate, consider whether she is just purely ignorant, and if you can help her learn and grow. Or at the very least, by calling her out, she’ll learn that those comments aren’t welcome in your home.

OP here. Thank you PP. I'm concerned that even calling out these comments won't stop them. (We can't police an au pair all the time.) It's also not that easy to essentially kick someone out of your house. Omg, am I fu***d.

You? Please stop being so self-centered. SHE is the one in trouble, being brainwashed, and possibly used by this overbearing man.
Your kids are not in trouble either. I grew up around a White Supremacist grandmother. My kids have heard a lot of crap from my side of the family. Neither my kids (now teens and young adults) nor I are right-wing, or harbor racist or homophobic views. People aren't so easy to manipulate when they're secure and have been exposed to a variety of populations and living situations. Your kids are secure, but your au pair is not. She's extremely vulnerable: maybe her family life hasn't been great, and right now she's in a strange country, living in a strange house, and has fallen for a man who whispers poison in her ear. Teen and young adult brains are not yet fully-developed and they are prone to extreme thinking.

Please have some compassion and try to educate her.



There isn’t such brain washed here, the AP has her autonomy and her beliefs are HERS not YOURS-get it straight, to each it’s own- y’all sounded so judgy!

[Anonymous]

Rematch

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had a white Au pair from South Africa, who made some inappropriate racist comments. In my case, it helped me to remember that she was very young (19) with very little education (just high school) and VERY little life experience. So I started a dialog with her and tried to educate her - or at least give her understanding of race relations in the US.

I would take the same approach here. Imagine she’s your daughter, and instead of reprimanding her out the gate, consider whether she is just purely ignorant, and if you can help her learn and grow. Or at the very least, by calling her out, she’ll learn that those comments aren’t welcome in your home.

OP here. Thank you PP. I'm concerned that even calling out these comments won't stop them. (We can't police an au pair all the time.) It's also not that easy to essentially kick someone out of your house. Omg, am I fu***d.

It would be extremely easy for me to kick out a racist person from my house if they are spewing junk around my kids. The only reason you would be effed is if you have no spine to stand up to this.
+1 to 8:12

OP here. Thank you for your thoughts, seriously. But the problem is not my spine. When I was working, I was a litigator and I got into argument with federal prosecutors on a regularly basis and I stood up to federal court of appeals judges without blinking. The problem is having to go through the rigermoroo of having to find yet another au pair. Still don't know what to do, hmmm.

Rigmarole, BTW. Just in case you ever need to use it again. You know, for a legal document or something.

[Anonymous]

This is why I'm not into au pair children taking care of children. Get a new au pair right away or even better an actual adult nanny