Explain this marital phenomenon

[Anonymous]

One or two nights apart? Never an issue! With a couple of six month relocations he’d be away for 10 days (come home for a long weekend) and that created problems because he wasn’t in touch with what was going on and I felt a bit jealous about all of his free time even though I knew he was working his tail off. There was some tension but we were so happy to be a family, if only briefly, that it was never a big problem. I also became more self reliant and that was a good thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him unless he can be nice or in a good mood when he returns he can take an uber, and you wont be picking him up. Life is way too short

OP made no mention if it's he or she, but of course you assume it's the DH that's the culprit.

That's because PP knows how to read, unlike you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Help understand this marital phenomenon DH and I experience sometimes.

We have been married 18 years, teens in HS. Good times, hard times, our marriage is pretty strong overall.

When one of us goes out of town for more than a night or two we don't talk a lot. Never have. When we do it tends to be texts. Fairly frequent back and forths ranging from logistics to jokes to thinking of you stuff. We genuinely love and seem to miss each other. Kids are old enough that we don't facilitate that - they talk to us on their own when one of us is away. We are both at busy points in our careers so when one is away it's not awful but it's not easy.

Then when the out of town spouse returns we argue.

We go from sending nice messages back and forth and (I think) awaiting the reunion to arguing immediately. This time, literally on the way out of the airport. About stupid stuff (tone, parking, etc...).

I know stress is a part of it but it's so silly yet predictable and it's not fun.

Does this happen to anyone else?

Air Travel is miserable. It's literally hours of oxygen deprivation and germ overload, plus all the related hassles amd physical exertion. Why would you expect anyone to be happy after that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him unless he can be nice or in a good mood when he returns he can take an uber, and you wont be picking him up. Life is way too short

OP made no mention if it's he or she, but of course you assume it's the DH that's the culprit.

Hmm…DH is the one who is mad whenever I travel for work. He has to take vacation to care for the kids because he works long, unpredictable hours, and he doesn’t like doing domestic work and being responsible for the kids.
I was surprised that people assumed the DH was the one traveling.

[Anonymous]

This happened to me. I went out of f town got a few days work trip, with loving texts/calls back and forth…get home and he immediately starts a fight. Leaves for long bike ride. Months later, in anger he reveals he was glad I was away and enjoyed his freedom. Me coming home made him angry at himself for feeling that way.
Obviously, I’m happily divorced now.

[Anonymous]

It is so funny reading these responses and knowing we are not the only ones. Inevitably, one is cranky from air travel and the other is stressed from dealing with airport pickup. We are usually sniping at each other in the car over something dumb or mutually annoyed within 90 seconds of the happy great to see you hug and kiss.

[Anonymous]

I refuse to do nice things for people if I know they are not capable of receiving it well. I have refused to cook for boyfriends who always offer a critical word or have some complaint. If they dont like my food, they dont have to eat it. By the same token, I would not be picking up someone from the airport if I knew going into it they were going be nasty/depressed/a downer when I pick them up. Set that boundary that they can get themselves an uber and fix their attitude while theyre in the car on the way home. I bet their attitude will change quickly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Help understand this marital phenomenon DH and I experience sometimes.

We have been married 18 years, teens in HS. Good times, hard times, our marriage is pretty strong overall.

When one of us goes out of town for more than a night or two we don't talk a lot. Never have. When we do it tends to be texts. Fairly frequent back and forths ranging from logistics to jokes to thinking of you stuff. We genuinely love and seem to miss each other. Kids are old enough that we don't facilitate that - they talk to us on their own when one of us is away. We are both at busy points in our careers so when one is away it's not awful but it's not easy.

Then when the out of town spouse returns we argue.

We go from sending nice messages back and forth and (I think) awaiting the reunion to arguing immediately. This time, literally on the way out of the airport. About stupid stuff (tone, parking, etc...).

Meh, typical of all marriages after so many years. Listen to some of those old "The Bickersons" recordings for laughs and perspective, or watch old Jackie Gleason "The Honeymooners" episodes.
Lighten up, try to laugh more, go act like teenagers again making out in drive'ins and ball games.

[Anonymous]

For me it was separation anxiety. Seems to be getting married with my boyfriend now that I've worked on it in therapy.

[Anonymous]

When our three children were 8 and under we were living in the northeast and my husband took a job on the west coast. In a nine month period he made something like 22 round trips. It was very difficult on all of us because he was always jet lagged when home and it was before Facetime so he couldn’t stay connected with our children. But, we knew it would end when we moved but it was hard. I was working full time and thankfully we had a live in nanny so I kept my sanity. The craziness never really put a strain on our marriage but I was so happy when it ended. Now, 2 day trips are easy!

[Anonymous]

When away my spouse sends flirty texts, talks about what they’d want to do if I were there; get home and its dead eyes.
The idea of me is better than the real me

[Anonymous]

DH gets to do crazy awesome things on his work trips. Wimbledon box seats, sunset yacht cruises, private dining at fancy restaurants, etc. When he gets home I am tired from doing the 1st, 2nd and 3rd shift, he better have something for me and DD. Garrett’s popcorn, candy from a Natalie’s at the airport, magazines from Europe, something. I pick a fight like a child if he doesn’t.

And fwiw, the washer is always empty when he gets home so he has no excuse not to unpack and immediately deal with laundry.

The one thing that we still struggle with is that when he’s been out and about all week, I’ve seen very few adults outside of work and I’m cooped up and locked in our routine to keep things going. He wants to chill all weekend to recover and I want to make up for lost time and go to restaurants, go for a walk, do something outdoorsy, etc. I really resent that his colleagues get the most energetic side of him and I get the leftovers, and I definitely express that unconsciously and consciously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm OP and I'm the wife. PPs are nailing it. My DH returns from trips drained and is kind of a downer. There is no happy to see me or anything. He was also upset about the trip (family stuff). Saying our headspaces are not synched up is an understatement. This makes me feel better.

Oh was he dealing with family stuff not work? That’s even harder.

It’s a little easier now my kids are older but I think I also felt like I was doing so much while my DH traveled and barely making it until he’d get back and then he’d take some stupid flight and get in at 2AM and be tired and cranky. I had to tell him a bunch of times that I would genuinely prefer for him to come back a day later and be ok than take a red eye or something. He’s a much better traveler than I am so I used to feel so frustrated but work travel is tiring so I would make him take an Uber and then have a plan for an easy night for both of you (like get pizza delivered) because you are both tired.

[Anonymous]

That is weird. We never argue when reunited. Maybe couples therapy is something you and DH should look into. Particularly if he is initiating the arguements. It sounds like he's hiding one night stands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Help understand this marital phenomenon DH and I experience sometimes.

We have been married 18 years, teens in HS. Good times, hard times, our marriage is pretty strong overall.

When one of us goes out of town for more than a night or two we don't talk a lot. Never have. When we do it tends to be texts. Fairly frequent back and forths ranging from logistics to jokes to thinking of you stuff. We genuinely love and seem to miss each other. Kids are old enough that we don't facilitate that - they talk to us on their own when one of us is away. We are both at busy points in our careers so when one is away it's not awful but it's not easy.

Then when the out of town spouse returns we argue.

We go from sending nice messages back and forth and (I think) awaiting the reunion to arguing immediately. This time, literally on the way out of the airport. About stupid stuff (tone, parking, etc...).

I know stress is a part of it but it's so silly yet predictable and it's not fun.

Does this happen to anyone else?

Yes, happens all the time. We've been married almost 21 years. Returning from travel is like a trigger - the traveling spouse is tired and the one at home is overwhelmed with taking care of chores singlehandedly. So after a week of travel, I am super happy to see him but also super tired and irritable. So I try to be non critical but it's so hard! It dies down within a day or two.