Explain this marital phenomenon

[Anonymous]

Help understand this marital phenomenon DH and I experience sometimes.

We have been married 18 years, teens in HS. Good times, hard times, our marriage is pretty strong overall.

When one of us goes out of town for more than a night or two we don't talk a lot. Never have. When we do it tends to be texts. Fairly frequent back and forths ranging from logistics to jokes to thinking of you stuff. We genuinely love and seem to miss each other. Kids are old enough that we don't facilitate that - they talk to us on their own when one of us is away. We are both at busy points in our careers so when one is away it's not awful but it's not easy.

Then when the out of town spouse returns we argue.

We go from sending nice messages back and forth and (I think) awaiting the reunion to arguing immediately. This time, literally on the way out of the airport. About stupid stuff (tone, parking, etc...).

I know stress is a part of it but it's so silly yet predictable and it's not fun.

Does this happen to anyone else?

[Anonymous]

Tell him unless he can be nice or in a good mood when he returns he can take an uber, and you wont be picking him up. Life is way too short

[Anonymous]

Are these work trips? He takes a taxi home from the airport and expenses it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Help understand this marital phenomenon DH and I experience sometimes.

We have been married 18 years, teens in HS. Good times, hard times, our marriage is pretty strong overall.

When one of us goes out of town for more than a night or two we don't talk a lot. Never have. When we do it tends to be texts. Fairly frequent back and forths ranging from logistics to jokes to thinking of you stuff. We genuinely love and seem to miss each other. Kids are old enough that we don't facilitate that - they talk to us on their own when one of us is away. We are both at busy points in our careers so when one is away it's not awful but it's not easy.

Then when the out of town spouse returns we argue.

We go from sending nice messages back and forth and (I think) awaiting the reunion to arguing immediately. This time, literally on the way out of the airport. About stupid stuff (tone, parking, etc...).

I know stress is a part of it but it's so silly yet predictable and it's not fun.

Does this happen to anyone else?

Used to happen to me and soon to be ex. Texting was easy. When they returned home it was hard to deal w the actual person who is difficult, manipulative and passive aggressive. At some point I hated that they were actually coming home. Divorcing now. Just my experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Help understand this marital phenomenon DH and I experience sometimes.

We have been married 18 years, teens in HS. Good times, hard times, our marriage is pretty strong overall.

When one of us goes out of town for more than a night or two we don't talk a lot. Never have. When we do it tends to be texts. Fairly frequent back and forths ranging from logistics to jokes to thinking of you stuff. We genuinely love and seem to miss each other. Kids are old enough that we don't facilitate that - they talk to us on their own when one of us is away. We are both at busy points in our careers so when one is away it's not awful but it's not easy.

Then when the out of town spouse returns we argue.

We go from sending nice messages back and forth and (I think) awaiting the reunion to arguing immediately. This time, literally on the way out of the airport. About stupid stuff (tone, parking, etc...).

I know stress is a part of it but it's so silly yet predictable and it's not fun.

Does this happen to anyone else?

Used to happen to me and soon to be ex. Texting was easy. When they returned home it was hard to deal w the actual person who is difficult, manipulative and passive aggressive. At some point I hated that they were actually coming home. Divorcing now. Just my experience.

Not what I wanted to hear but ok.

[Anonymous]

Yep. Resentment, mostly. The one who is away has the most "fun" while the one behind stuck with kids and housework.

[Anonymous]

Yep, my friends and I who have husbands that travel call it the “re-entry.” Best I can figure is that you get into a rhythm on your own, and then when spouse comes back, it upsets the rhythm. It mainly “roommate” type of stuff (suitcase, clothes lying around, kitchen a mess), but still annoying. Same for spouse. We try to be intimate as quickly as possible to reconnect and that seems to reset everything.

[Anonymous]

This happens with us sometimes. I think the fantasy of what the other person will say when they get home is different than the reality.
If you can guess what your husband wants to hear (ie. “You did such an amazing job with the house and kids. I don’t think many husband’s could do this.”), then you will have a better reception when you get home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep. Resentment, mostly. The one who is away has the most "fun" while the one behind stuck with kids and housework.

It’s this, OP. I experience this. I own it. DH travels more than I do, so the second he’s home I know he wants to tell me some fun story about what he saw or did while in X town for Y convention. Meanwhile, all I can think about is how I just spent that time holding down the fort. I feel like a jerk telling him not to immediately break into his fun stories, but that’s what I ask now. I don’t pick him up, for $30 he can Uber. Then he can figure out dinner. While I’m eating a dinner he planned and picked up, he can prattle off whatever story he wants!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happens with us sometimes. I think the fantasy of what the other person will say when they get home is different than the reality.
If you can guess what your husband wants to hear (ie. “You did such an amazing job with the house and kids. I don’t think many husband’s could do this.”), then you will have a better reception when you get home.

This! I love DH tons but when one of us comes home from a trip, our headspace’s arents synced and it takes a day to reconnect. We are great, but the reality is a bit disappointing to the texting fun.

[Anonymous]

The problem is the travelling spouse is oblivious/clueless about the situation. They thought their spouse should be happy to see them (they do) and did not do anything to break the tension. A small gift, telling the spouse how much they were missing them, doing extra housework should do the trick. Anything to show the appreciation for the stress/works on the spouse while they were away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell him unless he can be nice or in a good mood when he returns he can take an uber, and you wont be picking him up. Life is way too short

OP made no mention if it's he or she, but of course you assume it's the DH that's the culprit.

[Anonymous]

I'm OP and I'm the wife. PPs are nailing it. My DH returns from trips drained and is kind of a downer. There is no happy to see me or anything. He was also upset about the trip (family stuff). Saying our headspaces are not synched up is an understatement. This makes me feel better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him unless he can be nice or in a good mood when he returns he can take an uber, and you wont be picking him up. Life is way too short

OP made no mention if it's he or she, but of course you assume it's the DH that's the culprit.

It doesn’t matter. He or she or they. You get the point!

[Anonymous]

Do not pick anyone up at the airport. Forget that to start. Then explain what you need when he/she gets back — whether it is unpacking sooner rather than later, not being crabby if they are tired, etc. My DH felt like he was entitled to be “off” for awhile when he returned but similarly entitled to be “off” the second I came home! Had to address that directly.