Elderly parent on feeding tube

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re right but she’s alert. That’s what scares me. She is not totally vegetative, not at all.

Then ask her what she wants. Let her write it out.

Our families philosophy is quality of life not quantity.

[Anonymous]

If your mom gave the thumbs down, she should not have been convinced to do something else. This is hard, OP, I know. But she needs hospice at this point so she can pass peacefully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re right but she’s alert. That’s what scares me. She is not totally vegetative, not at all.

Is she alert enough to discuss her wishes? I had to choose to stop care for my dad knowing full well it would result in his death. Thankfully I also knew he wouldn't want to live with what was needed to keep him alive (colostomy and feeding tube). It was the hardest yet easiest choice I've ever made. In the years since I've never once looked back and wished I had chosen a different option.

Thank you for sharing. Was he able to discuss?

She’s not able to speak, but she became agitated when the doctor mentioned a feeding tube and said no (thumbs down). We talked her into it for a few days but I know it wasn’t her preference

Why would you do this when she clearly wanted otherwise? Sounds horribly disrespectful. Who was she put on the feeding tube for? Her or someone else?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re right but she’s alert. That’s what scares me. She is not totally vegetative, not at all.

Is she alert enough to discuss her wishes? I had to choose to stop care for my dad knowing full well it would result in his death. Thankfully I also knew he wouldn't want to live with what was needed to keep him alive (colostomy and feeding tube). It was the hardest yet easiest choice I've ever made. In the years since I've never once looked back and wished I had chosen a different option.

Thank you for sharing. Was he able to discuss?

She’s not able to speak, but she became agitated when the doctor mentioned a feeding tube and said no (thumbs down). We talked her into it for a few days but I know it wasn’t her preference

Why would you do this when she clearly wanted otherwise? Sounds horribly disrespectful. Who was she put on the feeding tube for? Her or someone else?

This. You're keeping her alive because you're not ready to lose her. Which is understandable and I think a completely normal reaction. But she very clearly does NOT want this. Discuss with her hospice team or doctor about what happens if you stop tube feeds. They are the ones who can answer, not us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your mom gave the thumbs down, she should not have been convinced to do something else. This is hard, OP, I know. But she needs hospice at this point so she can pass peacefully.

I agree with this. If she was clearly expressing her views they should be respected. Prolonging a life in immense discomfort with no prospects of a good recovery is not the kind thing to do. Take it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your mom gave the thumbs down, she should not have been convinced to do something else. This is hard, OP, I know. But she needs hospice at this point so she can pass peacefully.

+1000 My dad refused a feeding tube. It was his right not to be put through something extremely uncomfortable which would not significantly prolong his life.

[Anonymous]

Oh no OP. You should not have forced a feeding tube on her if she gave a thumbs down. ☹️

My father was very mentally alert and had cancer and went into hospice with all his mental faculties and was very cognizant of what was to come. It’s hard. They manage pain and anxiety. It’s scary but it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s the process I’m concerned about. Your father was not alert it seems. Mine is. That’s my concern.

RN here. This seems to be a good question to ask their care team. They will be in hospice if they aren't already. They will be kept comfortable. They will be given meds so they aren't suffering until they pass.

Not in hospice yet, still in ICU. thank you for answering

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s the process I’m concerned about. Your father was not alert it seems. Mine is. That’s my concern.

RN here. This seems to be a good question to ask their care team. They will be in hospice if they aren't already. They will be kept comfortable. They will be given meds so they aren't suffering until they pass.

Not in hospice yet, still in ICU. thank you for answering

RN again. Even better (well you know what I mean). You can talk to the doctor, nurse, social worker, and palliative doctor to figure out next steps. What it looks like next is so dependent on other factors so it's hard to answer. But you have resources you can talk to and hopefully get some guidance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your mom gave the thumbs down, she should not have been convinced to do something else. This is hard, OP, I know. But she needs hospice at this point so she can pass peacefully.

100% this. Fwiw my grandmother didn’t have a feeding tube but was sick with disease and decided to stop eating. I think she lasted a week or so. My mom gave her ice chips or whatever she wanted. It’s not a painful way to go. Your body shuts down. This is what’s supposed to happen.
My dad had cancer and couldn’t eat for the last 3 months of his life. His mouth was dry but he said he wasn’t hungry.

[Anonymous]

One of my grandmothers was mentally aware enough to refuse treatment for a GI issue (that would have resulted in a feeding tube). She died within 24 hours of that decision, in a hospital.

The other grandmother had dementia and when she stopped eating and drinking, she moved to inpatient hospice. She lasted about 10 days but was not responsive for the last 7 or so. They gave her scopalamine patches for the dry-mouth side effect so she wouldn't gag or choke on her drool. She got morphine to ease any pain or shortness of breath. It was hard to watch but also mostly peaceful, and a relief to know that her years of fear and confusion and sadness were coming to an end. OP, I hope whatever happens with your mom you're able to feel like you helped her carry out her wishes, and that nothing was left unsaid between the two of you. I hope you both feel loved and cared for. I'm sorry you are going through this and I wish you peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s the process I’m concerned about. Your father was not alert it seems. Mine is. That’s my concern.

RN here. This seems to be a good question to ask their care team. They will be in hospice if they aren't already. They will be kept comfortable. They will be given meds so they aren't suffering until they pass.

Not in hospice yet, still in ICU. thank you for answering

Hospice is a kind of care, not a place or one organization. Ask every nurse and every CNA, every contact you have which hospice providers they like and why. You will probably get a consensus of two or three depending on if you’re in a major metro. Interview them. Choose a provider that shows compassion, it should feel like you are working with very caring people.

Once your mother is accepted for hospice care, her treatment will be focused on her comfort rather than on extending her life. Once a patient chooses to stop eating and drinking, they will usually go within 3-4 days, but it can be much shorter or longer. I have seen one day and I have seen ten. Your mom will be given anti-anxiety and pain medication as she needs it. The hospice service will direct and provide more of her care. They will also help you take care of arrangements when she dies. We had to have a coroner’s inquest for my grandmother and the hospice service was a great support.

Your mom should be comfortable and peaceful. She will slip into unconsciousness eventually and the time will come to say goodbye. The hospice service and the workers at whatever facility she stays in will help you understand what is happening.

I know this is very hard. The best thing you can do is honor your mom’s wishes and find a good hospice provider. I’m sorry for the pain you’re experiencing now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh no OP. You should not have forced a feeding tube on her if she gave a thumbs down. ☹️

My father was very mentally alert and had cancer and went into hospice with all his mental faculties and was very cognizant of what was to come. It’s hard. They manage pain and anxiety. It’s scary but it is what it is.

You people are truly disgusting. Jumping and attacking me and my family like a bunch of ugly shews. You don’t know the entire situation. She changed her mind. Wants more time to say goodbye to family, including people not in town yet but traveling to see her today.

Good riddance to you ugly people. Thanks to the RN for answering the question. The rest of you couldn’t, just jumped in to give your ugly unsolicited opinions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh no OP. You should not have forced a feeding tube on her if she gave a thumbs down. ☹️

My father was very mentally alert and had cancer and went into hospice with all his mental faculties and was very cognizant of what was to come. It’s hard. They manage pain and anxiety. It’s scary but it is what it is.

You people are truly disgusting. Jumping and attacking me and my family like a bunch of ugly shews. You don’t know the entire situation. She changed her mind. Wants more time to say goodbye to family, including people not in town yet but traveling to see her today.

Good riddance to you ugly people. Thanks to the RN for answering the question. The rest of you couldn’t, just jumped in to give your ugly unsolicited opinions.

Ahd for you ugly shrews who will jump in to defend yourselves by claiming ‘you didn’t give us all the info’ or ‘but blah blah’. NO. Jumping on a message board to start spewing opinions and judgment to someone losing a parent is truly disgusting. You’re rushing to judge me and my family? Look at the ugliness in the mirror.

[Anonymous]

Talk to the medical professionals that you have access to (physician, nurses and social workers). This is what they see and do everyday.