Mothers partner is abusive - advice needed

[Anonymous]

That very much sounds like the mid stage of dementia before they lose their ability to talk.

[Anonymous]

You have no ability to force him into memory care. He has capacity to make his own decisions, yes? Snd you are not his POA.

You can always call APS and report what the caregiver said - that he “jostles” her, yells, etc. But if your mom has capacity and denies the abuse, there’s not much they can do.

[Anonymous]

Whose name is the "place" they are in, in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother has severe Parkinson’s but is pretty much all there mentally but physically frail and unable to stand or walk without danger of losing her balance. Her partner is 90 and may have mild dementia - he is pretty coherent but has long term memory issues and wanders.

Her partner is very verbally abusive and has frequent outbursts of yelling and rage. He has also pushed her several times which is dangerous given her condition. Her care worker protects her from him. I don’t think the abuse is a result of dementia as he has kind of always been like this, it’s just worse now that he feels in less control with age.

I have just moved them into a smaller place and had to find a new care worker. Her new worker commented on how out of control his behavior is and also reported that he is yelling at her (the care worker) as well. In addition to the need to protect my mother I am also concerned we will lose care workers over this.

The problem is that my mother is very attached to this man (they have been together on and off for 30 years), very protective of him, and doesn’t want to be separated. She will literally defend him when he screams at her. She is also afraid of him (quivers with fear when he is angry etc).

He has some money and there is a memory care facility nearby where in theory we could put him and she could visit him. But he certainly wouldn’t want to go to it and she wouldn’t want to put him there either. What are my options here and how do I deal with this?

You look out for your mother's well-being. Full stop. F this guy. Put him in memory care, couch it in terms of him needing it, it's best for him, he will be so well taken care of, they can still see each other all the time. Whatever.

But GET HER OUT OF THERE.

[Anonymous]

Why not kick HIM out?

[Anonymous]

If he isn’t her spouse, move her out.

[Anonymous]

Call adult protective services in an attempt to do everything to protect her, but I have heard they can be pretty useless. Still, you need to try every avenue. I am not sure you can force her to move out against her will unless she is mentally incompetent. Definitely talk to APS about your options, but it is not as simple as people on here say because you said she is basically mentally competent.

You have said he has always been this way to some degree and most likely that is why his family hates him. She has chosen an abusive person while of sound mind and still of sound mind. I am not a lawyer or expert, but have dealt with having to allow a parent to make self-destructive choices while still deemed mentally able by a screener. Reach out to local Parkinson's groups too and see what they say. I think if she refuses your only avenue is reporting abuse, but she could lie and make you out to be the liar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother has severe Parkinson’s but is pretty much all there mentally but physically frail and unable to stand or walk without danger of losing her balance. Her partner is 90 and may have mild dementia - he is pretty coherent but has long term memory issues and wanders.

How long does your mom have the aide for? Who takes care of her in the evening and overnight? If she need to get up to use the bathroom?

A 90 year old man can't be taking care of her.

[Anonymous]

OP, you say your mom is still mentally competent.

Has she signed a POA, HCPOA, HIPAA so that you can help manage her affairs? You should try to get that in place, with you as the point person (unless you have siblings you need to share it with or discuss with).

I am sorry you are dealing with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Move your mom in with you. Not much else you can do.

I don’t understand this answer, why would I do this? They already live right near me and the living arrangement would be very manageable if her partner wasn’t an abusive jerk. I am not going to move an abusive jerk into my home and it wouldn’t help anything if I did.

I think PP is suggesting you just move your mom in with you, not her abusive 90 year old husband.

I don't see how a 90 year old man with dementia can care for a woman with Parkinsons who isn't able to walk independently. I'm 57 and care for a spouse who has similar issues and it is physically and emotionally very hard. But I am still relatively young and healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP it is never easy when a mother chooses to enable her abuser. You could call adult protective but she is unlikely to be honest with them if she protects him. Caregivers are mandated reporters so they can report what they’ve seen but at this point law enforcement options are limited.

Hopefully he dies before she does so she gets some time in peace before her own departure.

Way to blame the victim. Great job!

https://www.fairfaxcounty.gov/familyservices/older-adults/golden-gazette/2020-12-recognizing-intimate-partner-violence-in-older-adults

Not the person you are responding to, but I have dealt with the reality of an elder deemed competent making self-destructive choices. Yes, all the links and people posting making it sound like you can easily rescue your elder. You try the different venues, but a person who is mentally capable has the right to make truly terrible choices. Often those in abusive situations lie. Also, there are different levels of abuse. It's harder to prove verbal abuse and the occasional shove. The aides will just quit. They can report it too, but they don't make enough money to expect them to give things like sworn testimony. This is extremely complicated.

Also, to the person suggesting she swoop in and move mom into her home, also very complicated. She cannot legally force her mom to move in with her. Also, a friend of mine who was a geriatric social worker for under a decade before she burned out, said people have no idea how this all works. Loving family members move a parent with multiple needs in and burn out and can become abusive themselves even with caregivers coming in because they underestimate just how intensive it is. Even with day programs or 24-7 help she has seen once kind people verbally abuse the person right in front of her after many months of the elders continued decline. She now mostly works with healthy and high functioning people with minor challenges because she found her job so disturbing and hopeless. People who have well adjusted elders who age well with minimal decline before they pass have no idea what dealing with aging parent issues can look like over a number of years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother has severe Parkinson’s but is pretty much all there mentally but physically frail and unable to stand or walk without danger of losing her balance. Her partner is 90 and may have mild dementia - he is pretty coherent but has long term memory issues and wanders.

Her partner is very verbally abusive and has frequent outbursts of yelling and rage. He has also pushed her several times which is dangerous given her condition. Her care worker protects her from him. I don’t think the abuse is a result of dementia as he has kind of always been like this, it’s just worse now that he feels in less control with age.

I have just moved them into a smaller place and had to find a new care worker. Her new worker commented on how out of control his behavior is and also reported that he is yelling at her (the care worker) as well. In addition to the need to protect my mother I am also concerned we will lose care workers over this.

The problem is that my mother is very attached to this man (they have been together on and off for 30 years), very protective of him, and doesn’t want to be separated. She will literally defend him when he screams at her. She is also afraid of him (quivers with fear when he is angry etc).

He has some money and there is a memory care facility nearby where in theory we could put him and she could visit him. But he certainly wouldn’t want to go to it and she wouldn’t want to put him there either. What are my options here and how do I deal with this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother has severe Parkinson’s but is pretty much all there mentally but physically frail and unable to stand or walk without danger of losing her balance. Her partner is 90 and may have mild dementia - he is pretty coherent but has long term memory issues and wanders.

Her partner is very verbally abusive and has frequent outbursts of yelling and rage. He has also pushed her several times which is dangerous given her condition. Her care worker protects her from him. I don’t think the abuse is a result of dementia as he has kind of always been like this, it’s just worse now that he feels in less control with age.

I have just moved them into a smaller place and had to find a new care worker. Her new worker commented on how out of control his behavior is and also reported that he is yelling at her (the care worker) as well. In addition to the need to protect my mother I am also concerned we will lose care workers over this.

The problem is that my mother is very attached to this man (they have been together on and off for 30 years), very protective of him, and doesn’t want to be separated. She will literally defend him when he screams at her. She is also afraid of him (quivers with fear when he is angry etc).

He has some money and there is a memory care facility nearby where in theory we could put him and she could visit him. But he certainly wouldn’t want to go to it and she wouldn’t want to put him there either. What are my options here and how do I deal with this?

Is she married to him or are they just living together? You mention his kids don't like him. Do you have the ability to place him in a memory care facility? Who would pay for the care?

I think you need to look out for your mom and your mom alone. Maybe she needs to move to assisted living without him? Or they could move to a place with both assisted and memory care and she can visits him on his floor. But my suggestions are very expensive and may not be financially doable.

[Anonymous]

Tell your mom to come stay with you for a week while her place gets fixed and then just keep her with you. Have her caregivers come to your place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell your mom to come stay with you for a week while her place gets fixed and then just keep her with you. Have her caregivers come to your place.

You cannot legally trick her into being kidnapped to "rescue her." This could backfire and she could call the police and make OP the villain.

OP I found it helpful for other self-destructive elder choices to talk with Adult Protective Services and also an elder-hotline (like in your case Parkinsons). They will know the legal side of what you can and cannot do to help a person who is mentally capable, but does not want help. If you are worried she will say he is not abusive, share that.

Ask if the staff are mandated reporters. I assume they are. If so, ask them if they have reported the abuse. If not, have them report it to back up your case.