Mothers partner is abusive - advice needed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he have any adult children? If so, perhaps they can intervene. Or, if he requires a memory care unit, he could move.

His children all hate him and don’t really communicate with him, he also doesn’t like them and wouldn’t listen to them.

Re a memory care unit, this is the issue - I would love to get him in one but he would not consent willingly and my mother would probably back him up.

There is nothing you can do then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jostles? Come on. He's this close to assault, and someone in your mother's condition can't take the chance of even an accidental injury.

You gotta move her and if she's unhappy about it, oh well.

P.s. you will not be able to keep a care worker anyway so this situation is untenable.

Unless your mother lacks capacity, it is her choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP it is never easy when a mother chooses to enable her abuser. You could call adult protective but she is unlikely to be honest with them if she protects him. Caregivers are mandated reporters so they can report what they’ve seen but at this point law enforcement options are limited.

Hopefully he dies before she does so she gets some time in peace before her own departure.

Way to blame the victim. Great job!

https://www.fairfaxcounty.gov/familyservices/older-adults/golden-gazette/2020-12-recognizing-intimate-partner-violence-in-older-adults

Not the person you are responding to, but I have dealt with the reality of an elder deemed competent making self-destructive choices. Yes, all the links and people posting making it sound like you can easily rescue your elder. You try the different venues, but a person who is mentally capable has the right to make truly terrible choices. Often those in abusive situations lie. Also, there are different levels of abuse. It's harder to prove verbal abuse and the occasional shove. The aides will just quit. They can report it too, but they don't make enough money to expect them to give things like sworn testimony. This is extremely complicated.

Also, to the person suggesting she swoop in and move mom into her home, also very complicated. She cannot legally force her mom to move in with her. Also, a friend of mine who was a geriatric social worker for under a decade before she burned out, said people have no idea how this all works. Loving family members move a parent with multiple needs in and burn out and can become abusive themselves even with caregivers coming in because they underestimate just how intensive it is. Even with day programs or 24-7 help she has seen once kind people verbally abuse the person right in front of her after many months of the elders continued decline. She now mostly works with healthy and high functioning people with minor challenges because she found her job so disturbing and hopeless. People who have well adjusted elders who age well with minimal decline before they pass have no idea what dealing with aging parent issues can look like over a number of years.

You’re another victim blaming b. She’s not enabling her abuser. She’s not making self destructive choices. She’s a battered woman. So I gave OP a resources for IPV in a local senior community. I didn’t say it was easy. I’ve been the primary caretaker for most of the elders in my large family and I’ve had to deal with this situation. You sound like the typical white woman who talks to acme friends, maybe reads a book, and has no actual experience or real education in the area.

[Anonymous]

Here is a link for APS. Note it says "if protective services are needed AND accepted by the individual".... The issue is a cognitively capable person is allowed to reject help. It sounds like the hostile and name-calling poster preceding me is saying that by virtue of being abused she is mentally incapable of making these decisions and that may be a way to go. I would ask APS if verbal abuse, shoving, etc witnessed by caregivers could be seen as evidence she cannot exercise free will. It may be worth a legal consult.

[Anonymous]

Sorry-here is the link. May vary by state.

https://www.dss.virginia.gov/abuse/aps.cgi

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is a link for APS. Note it says "if protective services are needed AND accepted by the individual".... The issue is a cognitively capable person is allowed to reject help. It sounds like the hostile and name-calling poster preceding me is saying that by virtue of being abused she is mentally incapable of making these decisions and that may be a way to go. I would ask APS if verbal abuse, shoving, etc witnessed by caregivers could be seen as evidence she cannot exercise free will. It may be worth a legal consult.

I will absolutely call victim blamers names. You deserve the shame. Not the battered woman with Parkinson’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is a link for APS. Note it says "if protective services are needed AND accepted by the individual".... The issue is a cognitively capable person is allowed to reject help. It sounds like the hostile and name-calling poster preceding me is saying that by virtue of being abused she is mentally incapable of making these decisions and that may be a way to go. I would ask APS if verbal abuse, shoving, etc witnessed by caregivers could be seen as evidence she cannot exercise free will. It may be worth a legal consult.

I will absolutely call victim blamers names. You deserve the shame. Not the battered woman with Parkinson’s.

Explaining that she may have a legal right to make her own choices is not victim blaming. I don’t t know legally how these cases are handled if an elder with mental capacity denies there is abuse or admits there is some, but prefers to stay despite reports and witnesses.