Mothers partner is abusive - advice needed

[Anonymous]

My mother has severe Parkinson’s but is pretty much all there mentally but physically frail and unable to stand or walk without danger of losing her balance. Her partner is 90 and may have mild dementia - he is pretty coherent but has long term memory issues and wanders.

Her partner is very verbally abusive and has frequent outbursts of yelling and rage. He has also pushed her several times which is dangerous given her condition. Her care worker protects her from him. I don’t think the abuse is a result of dementia as he has kind of always been like this, it’s just worse now that he feels in less control with age.

I have just moved them into a smaller place and had to find a new care worker. Her new worker commented on how out of control his behavior is and also reported that he is yelling at her (the care worker) as well. In addition to the need to protect my mother I am also concerned we will lose care workers over this.

The problem is that my mother is very attached to this man (they have been together on and off for 30 years), very protective of him, and doesn’t want to be separated. She will literally defend him when he screams at her. She is also afraid of him (quivers with fear when he is angry etc).

He has some money and there is a memory care facility nearby where in theory we could put him and she could visit him. But he certainly wouldn’t want to go to it and she wouldn’t want to put him there either. What are my options here and how do I deal with this?

[Anonymous]

Move your mom in with you. Not much else you can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Move your mom in with you. Not much else you can do.

I don’t understand this answer, why would I do this? They already live right near me and the living arrangement would be very manageable if her partner wasn’t an abusive jerk. I am not going to move an abusive jerk into my home and it wouldn’t help anything if I did.

[Anonymous]

Does he have any adult children? If so, perhaps they can intervene. Or, if he requires a memory care unit, he could move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he have any adult children? If so, perhaps they can intervene. Or, if he requires a memory care unit, he could move.

His children all hate him and don’t really communicate with him, he also doesn’t like them and wouldn’t listen to them.

Re a memory care unit, this is the issue - I would love to get him in one but he would not consent willingly and my mother would probably back him up.

[Anonymous]

I would call adult protective services. Your poor mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would call adult protective services. Your poor mom.

Yeah that’s what I’m leaning toward. Was curious if anyone had experience with doing that in Virginia and what the process was like. I’ve asked the care worker to document incidents. He doesn’t hit her generally, just gets in her face and yells and sometimes jostles her.

[Anonymous]

Jostles? Come on. He's this close to assault, and someone in your mother's condition can't take the chance of even an accidental injury.

You gotta move her and if she's unhappy about it, oh well.

P.s. you will not be able to keep a care worker anyway so this situation is untenable.

[Anonymous]

Evict him! (I assume it’s her condo?)
Get a restraining order too.
You may need to call APS/cops to establish a paper trail. He has no business being around her.

[Anonymous]

Is there a facility with a memory care unit and assisted living? They would be near but she could go to her own place and be shielded from being physically trapped with him. He will just get worse and have to be in memory care anyway.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP it is never easy when a mother chooses to enable her abuser. You could call adult protective but she is unlikely to be honest with them if she protects him. Caregivers are mandated reporters so they can report what they’ve seen but at this point law enforcement options are limited.

Hopefully he dies before she does so she gets some time in peace before her own departure.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP, it’s hard to see how any of these suggestions will work if your mom is mentally competent and financially self-sufficient.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, what I would do if it were me (and it has been) is videotape the abuse and call for the welfare check. It is likely that it will be involuntary, but it also sounds like your mom may not have the resources/functioning to fight it, which works in your favor in this circumstance. It’s horrendous, I’m so sorry. My parent was always somewhat abusive but I became fearful that he would kill my mom in his alzheimers rages. The challenge is that your mom likely has decades of codependency around it and will continue to want to stay with him. But I’d do one last try—welfare check with evidence—to see if you can override that.

All my best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP it is never easy when a mother chooses to enable her abuser. You could call adult protective but she is unlikely to be honest with them if she protects him. Caregivers are mandated reporters so they can report what they’ve seen but at this point law enforcement options are limited.

Hopefully he dies before she does so she gets some time in peace before her own departure.

Way to blame the victim. Great job!

https://www.fairfaxcounty.gov/familyservices/older-adults/golden-gazette/2020-12-recognizing-intimate-partner-violence-in-older-adults

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, what I would do if it were me (and it has been) is videotape the abuse and call for the welfare check. It is likely that it will be involuntary, but it also sounds like your mom may not have the resources/functioning to fight it, which works in your favor in this circumstance. It’s horrendous, I’m so sorry. My parent was always somewhat abusive but I became fearful that he would kill my mom in his alzheimers rages. The challenge is that your mom likely has decades of codependency around it and will continue to want to stay with him. But I’d do one last try—welfare check with evidence—to see if you can override that.

All my best.

Oh—one other thing. The “abuse is not the result of the dementia” is true-ish, but it is also the case that the general increase in frustration/degredation in brain function/loss of self control/loss of inhibition is the result of brain changes. (Even if he’s always been a little like this). Dementia is really a slow moving progressive brain injury and aggression/rage/violence is extremely common. IT may work to your benefit if you try and force him to move.