Unexpected aspects of dementia

[Anonymous]

In terms of the nasty behavior, my mother was an angel throughout her entire life, and sweet in her dementia- until they ran out of the fav fresh cookies at bakery and she started throwing large loaves at everyone in sight.
A caring stranger held my hand while I paid for all the damage, and I didn’t feel so alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old were these patients when they started becoming nasty (or nastier)? Was it the first symptom?

Sometimes I wonder if my husband is developing dementia, or is just becoming nastier.

I think there are a lot of aspects of aging that people start worrying about, and that anxiety comes out as anger. How did your husband deal with worry when he was younger?

My mom was always sort of snipe-y, and her decline has definitely made her focused on how other people are doing things wrong, but that was always something she did. It's just now, she can't do the things she liked in the way she liked to do them, so she has more time to notice and comment on other people's wrongness. But she's not throwing stuff at me.

PP you replied to. That's the trouble. He's always been introverted and repressed. So when he's anxious, he keeps it to himself until it comes out as anger. He's always lacked self-awareness about his triggers and feelings. Now with age it's just becoming worse. He's 65, though, not 70s or 80s.
I've been noticing more gratuitous nasty remarks, slight paranoia and sometimes just entirely irrational, weird pronouncements.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In terms of the nasty behavior, my mother was an angel throughout her entire life, and sweet in her dementia- until they ran out of the fav fresh cookies at bakery and she started throwing large loaves at everyone in sight.
A caring stranger held my hand while I paid for all the damage, and I didn’t feel so alone.

n

I’m sorry but I had to laugh at this. Always a risk taking a dementia patient out into the community. Definitely need to time it right but there are just no guarantees of how normal things will affect their behavior. Definitely have to find the humor if you can.

I was so distressed and mortified for several years, it took a lot for me to recognize this isn’t my mom, it’s a disease, she would be mortified at her behavior and she just can’t control herself.

She tries to show me her chest about once a week, has shown me her pubes several times out of confusion as to what they are, where they came from, why they’re there and what she can do about them. Sorry, not teaching my mom how to use a razor or taking her for a Brazilian. She’s just going to have to learn to live with the hair she’s had since puberty.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, so sorry so many of you are dealing with this. We are, too, and I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

[Anonymous]

I think for me, its trying to address the situation at that moment, only to see that all my efforts are for naught because the next day its like it never happened or you've hit the next step.

So like, technology: I spent a lot of time getting fire stick and alexa to work on her TV, because she complained the tv was too complicated. Created a guide to using alexa, laminated it. Worked 2 weeks and now she's lost the rmote, the guide and no longer cares.

Or, dropping everything to addres what seems completely pressing, only to realize it doesn't last.

Example, for several days this past week, culminating in friday, my parent talked about going stir crazy in their assisted living (because I had traveled for the long weekend and did not take them out), to the point where they called multiple times friday saying they had no friends, no reason to live and were tempted to walk in the road and get hit by a car. They had walked outside in the street but came back in. While the dementia is talking the distress is real. So I spent significant time trying to figure out how to deal with this situation, including upping her care to have someone take her out weekly to wherever she wants to go , movies, shopping, musuem. This is on top of personal care aides I hired and an expensive assisted living facility with meals, activities, cleaners, etc.

Today I tell her about the new plan, how I've arranged for wednesday outings, and the first one will be to XXX and she says that she doesn't want to go with a stranger and anyway, she feels fine. When I ask her about what she was saying (aka suicidal ideation) she is baffled and said, "oh that must have been a joke."

So, you're left always scrambling. You think you have one solution, but then something else happens and suddenly you're back to square one.

[Anonymous]

PP here, forgot this one. My mom had been briefly hospitalized and when she returned home, she became fixated on how she needed a hospital bed. you know, one that raised up, etc, Literlaly brought it up maybe 20 times a day, how she needed it, her (new) bed was a 'death trap" etc, etc. So even though the bed was perfectly fine and only 6 months old or so, I buy her a hospital bed, mattress, we do all the crap you need to do to set it up. a few weeks later, she is complaining that I stole her favorite bed, why did she have this crazy bed, etc. She had no recollection of demanding one, and in fact was angry at me.

So its taken me a while, and I'm still learning, that just because she complains and cries, I do not have to try to solve the situation at that moment. I've been killing myself to address whatever it is, mental emotional or physical pain, only to have those efforts discounted and somethign else comes up. And there is never any recognition for all that I've done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here, forgot this one. My mom had been briefly hospitalized and when she returned home, she became fixated on how she needed a hospital bed. you know, one that raised up, etc, Literlaly brought it up maybe 20 times a day, how she needed it, her (new) bed was a 'death trap" etc, etc. So even though the bed was perfectly fine and only 6 months old or so, I buy her a hospital bed, mattress, we do all the crap you need to do to set it up. a few weeks later, she is complaining that I stole her favorite bed, why did she have this crazy bed, etc. She had no recollection of demanding one, and in fact was angry at me.

So its taken me a while, and I'm still learning, that just because she complains and cries, I do not have to try to solve the situation at that moment. I've been killing myself to address whatever it is, mental emotional or physical pain, only to have those efforts discounted and somethign else comes up. And there is never any recognition for all that I've done.

I'm glad you realize this. It helps with the frustration.

What they are responding to is the feeling, not the logic of it. Whatever issue they fixate on is just something handy to explain the feelings of anger, lack of control, fear, whatever. So fixing it honestly almost never helps, because the feeling just move onto the next handy thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here, forgot this one. My mom had been briefly hospitalized and when she returned home, she became fixated on how she needed a hospital bed. you know, one that raised up, etc, Literlaly brought it up maybe 20 times a day, how she needed it, her (new) bed was a 'death trap" etc, etc. So even though the bed was perfectly fine and only 6 months old or so, I buy her a hospital bed, mattress, we do all the crap you need to do to set it up. a few weeks later, she is complaining that I stole her favorite bed, why did she have this crazy bed, etc. She had no recollection of demanding one, and in fact was angry at me.

So its taken me a while, and I'm still learning, that just because she complains and cries, I do not have to try to solve the situation at that moment. I've been killing myself to address whatever it is, mental emotional or physical pain, only to have those efforts discounted and somethign else comes up. And there is never any recognition for all that I've done.

I'm glad you realize this. It helps with the frustration.

What they are responding to is the feeling, not the logic of it. Whatever issue they fixate on is just something handy to explain the feelings of anger, lack of control, fear, whatever. So fixing it honestly almost never helps, because the feeling just move onto the next handy thing.

That’s a good way to rationalize this emotional chaos. However, I don’t think it makes it much easier for caregivers, as the demands remain unreasonable and then the complaints begin, and then can turn into anger and outbursts. I am dealing with such an enormous invasion of privacy, and I know she does it because she is disoriented and confused, she keeps tabs on everyone etc. It’s nonetheless excruciatingly distracting and unnerving and a huge amount of stress.

[Anonymous]

My dad doesn’t have dementia yet but he does have some unrealistic fixations that just fizzle out later. I stopped paying any mind to whatever weird thing he wants to happen next. Had to become somewhat heartless. But he used to want something and I would jump through hoops to get it and he didn’t want it anymore. So now I just don’t pay attention

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The utterly disturbing accusations, claims, bizarre statements of facts. It’s so disturbing, like living with an insane person sometimes.

You are living with an insane person. This persons brain is being slowly killed.