How to support teen who's always the initiator?

[Anonymous]

Is she really being left out? Or are do people prefer to sit at home with their phones? Or are the "left out" events driven by parent friendships/networks.

My DS is similar. He's the one in his group making things happen. The times he complained about being left out, were friendships driven by parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her about my DD, who will be dying of boredom but will refuse to reach out to her friend. I have to reach out to the other mom, who is difficult to track down. (These are not little girls.)

Why? I think many kids prefer their phone to feeling vulnerable to a rejected invite. It sounds crazy, but it's true.

Also, there is some measure of "if we're not doing something amazing, it's not worth it to get together." Everything has to be perfect, there has to be a A Plan, and enough time/energy/whatever. It's crazy to me. We used to hang out at our boarding school dorm, with nothing to do at all.

My 11th grade DS hangs out with his group of friends every second he isn’t at school, sports or doing homework. They sit around ”doing nothing” all the time. I feel like he is never home, but I guess I should be thankful he isn’t waiting for the perfect plan!

[Anonymous]

My DD has/had a best friend like this. She had enough of being the one initiating plans. It's hurtful and it is amazing that parents don't notice when it comes to close friends. Teach your kids to also make plans!!!!

[Anonymous]

Since it's happening, frame it differently. For your child's sake. Compliment DC on being a leader. Compliment them on taking initiative, being fun, taking charge.

You know the downsides. But don't dwell on that. Promote the best of this.

[Anonymous]

I say leave those losers behind, the ones that never initiate, never want to do anything. Take that spark and dream bigger. Use it as the motivation to create a bigger social circle, a bigger life.

[Anonymous]

and please send her to a large university, not some small tiny place

[Anonymous]

There are two scenarios possible here:

1 - and I think this is more likely - is that if your kid didn’t plan the meetups/initiate, that no one would be doing anything. Like a PP said, they’d be sitting at home on their phones. There’s a lot of anxiety with the teen generation and a lot of them fear reaching out because of fear of rejection. In this case, it’s a great thing if your DD is the planner. Especially if the other kids are accepting her reaching out!

2 - maybe there is a fear on your DD’s part that “everyone is hanging out without her.” But is that really happening? Also, keep in mind, even in the teen years, the parents still control a lot. Not letting kids come over because of this or that reason, or the kid can’t get a ride if they aren’t driving yet, or parents say only one kid can come over at a time (that one was my parents in particular because they are weird, probably undiagnosed ASD, and hate loud environments and too many people around).

I do think this will get better in college, maybe even later in HS if more kids start driving. Does your DD have a wide circle of friends/acquaintances, not just from school but also from outside of school activities, a job, even at school does she know kids from different activities and at different grade levels etc.? It could also be that she’s more outgoing but the friend group is more low energy introverts.

[Anonymous]

Another thought - do you think you're hyperaware of you/her being the initiator and more focused on when you initiate? Sometimes I'll feel like I don't have a social life unless I create one for myself, but then when I look at my phone, I do see that I am invited to things but I often can't do them. So the ones that I actually attend are the ones I initiated. It seems uneven, but it's more that I'm busy/picky/etc.

[Anonymous]

Another thought. Some parents are the worst and they cultivate an atmosphere of exclusion!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her about my DD, who will be dying of boredom but will refuse to reach out to her friend. I have to reach out to the other mom, who is difficult to track down. (These are not little girls.)

Why? I think many kids prefer their phone to feeling vulnerable to a rejected invite. It sounds crazy, but it's true.

Also, there is some measure of "if we're not doing something amazing, it's not worth it to get together." Everything has to be perfect, there has to be a A Plan, and enough time/energy/whatever. It's crazy to me. We used to hang out at our boarding school dorm, with nothing to do at all.

+100 to all of this.

For my kids, who don’t initiate as much as I would like, even though they have good friends, it’s this. It is very frustrating. Time on their phone/screen is more interesting than making plans with a friend to do nothing. They are happy to join if someone invites them, but it’s rare that they initiate. And it’s not just them. High school DS can be online playing video games with a large group of kids on a Saturday night. Why don’t they get together instead of being at their own houses? Apparently, fewer people can play that way.

I also see younger kids being selective about neighborhood friends in the same way. We used to hang out with anyone, because it was better than being bored at home. These kids have many more options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her about my DD, who will be dying of boredom but will refuse to reach out to her friend. I have to reach out to the other mom, who is difficult to track down. (These are not little girls.)

Why? I think many kids prefer their phone to feeling vulnerable to a rejected invite. It sounds crazy, but it's true.

Also, there is some measure of "if we're not doing something amazing, it's not worth it to get together." Everything has to be perfect, there has to be a A Plan, and enough time/energy/whatever. It's crazy to me. We used to hang out at our boarding school dorm, with nothing to do at all.

Oh my gosh, yes! There can’t just hang casually. And if they do get a solid plan together, if just one person can’t make it for some reason, the whole thing is cancelled.

[Anonymous]

At least your kid is initiator. My kid is too lazy to even respond to messages and then complains they have no friends.

[Anonymous]

I think you should encourage your DD. Tell her how awesome she is for doing this and for being the one to put herself out there. She is awesome. I bet a lot of her friends really really appreciate her doing this. She could probably also gently encourage her friends “so glad you could make it — what about next Saturday? Do you want to figure something out?” But the reality is that some people are not good at this—it might be because they are afraid other people won’t like the idea or their house or whatever, it might be because their home situation is not ideal and so they don’t want people over and can’t commit to things in the future in case their dad gets mad at them etc, it may be that they are sort of on the edge of depression and can’t really get the psychic energy to plan but are so glad when others do. If your daughter doesn’t have any of these things, that is so great. Think of it like a gift she can give to others that maybe do have one or more of these things holding them back.

[Anonymous]

I told my daughter this: some people are more introverted and are fine with less contact. The ones that want more social outings often initiate. If you enjoy the time with these friends, then you might tell yourself they are worth the bit of effort to organize, since the friends aren't organizers. If you are this bothered, and especially if you are going to be passive aggressive about it, stop and find more like-minded friends.

[Anonymous]

As someone who is not an initiator THANK GOD for people like you and your kid! I am a shyish introverted person, and I LOVE when my friends suggest getting together. I have some social anxiety, and I would never see anyone if the initiators didn't initiate. It's not that they aren't my first choice it's that I wouldn't be seeing anyone if they didn't initiate.