How to support teen who's always the initiator?

[Anonymous]

I also play this role in my social life and hate it - makes me feel like people wouldn't hang out with me unless I instigated. I've sort of come to terms with it as an adult, but now I see my child in the same boat - sending the texts, doing the outreach -- and expressing that "people only hang out with me because I ask first. I'm nobody's first choice."

This broke my heart because I felt the SAME WAY as a teen...and it never got better. What's up with us? What's up with other people? (I was careful NOT to project my own baggage...hence posting here. But it's eating me up within.)

[Anonymous]

I have noticed the same, all the worsened if you are paying.

Encourage her to get higher quality friends. Start hanging out with more go-getter crowds.

Also, people just suck!

[Anonymous]

Ugh I am in the same situation with my 15yr old daughter. I drive a lot and she initiates a lot.

It’s electronics and video games. Most just sit home instead. Most parents don’t drive anywhere either

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have noticed the same, all the worsened if you are paying.

Encourage her to get higher quality friends. Start hanging out with more go-getter crowds.

Also, people just suck!

How does one find higher-quality friends?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. It sucks - my tween son is going through similar. I'm trying to encourage him to get involved in more hobbies outside of school in the hopes he will find "his people" that way.

[Anonymous]

Same here. My 17 yr DD always initiates. Once in awhile she will get an invite but more often than not, she doesn’t make the A list.

[Anonymous]

My kid (and my husband and I) are definitely initiating social stuff 90% of the time.
But honestly, it doesn’t seem to bother any of us. My kid is excited to be the “event planner extraordinaire.” We talk about what a great skill set it is to bring people together.

[Anonymous]

Tell her about my DD, who will be dying of boredom but will refuse to reach out to her friend. I have to reach out to the other mom, who is difficult to track down. (These are not little girls.)

Why? I think many kids prefer their phone to feeling vulnerable to a rejected invite. It sounds crazy, but it's true.

Also, there is some measure of "if we're not doing something amazing, it's not worth it to get together." Everything has to be perfect, there has to be a A Plan, and enough time/energy/whatever. It's crazy to me. We used to hang out at our boarding school dorm, with nothing to do at all.

[Anonymous]

That's interesting. From my experience as a shy anxious kid, the kids where I didn't initiate were the kids that I perceived as cooler or more socially successful than me. I loved to hang out with them. They were my first choice. I just worried that if I asked too much, or was too needy, it would annoy them because I perceived them to have other options. As a high school teacher, I see that dynamic with students all the time too.

I'm not saying I was right in feeling that way, or in not initiating, but just saying that it might feel like "they don't like me that much" it could also be the opposite.

[Anonymous]

I was like this and it used to bother me - until a friend told me that they all waited for me to set the plans. I literally was the center of the friend group and didn't realize it. Could that be your kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her about my DD, who will be dying of boredom but will refuse to reach out to her friend. I have to reach out to the other mom, who is difficult to track down. (These are not little girls.)

Why? I think many kids prefer their phone to feeling vulnerable to a rejected invite. It sounds crazy, but it's true.

Also, there is some measure of "if we're not doing something amazing, it's not worth it to get together." Everything has to be perfect, there has to be a A Plan, and enough time/energy/whatever. It's crazy to me. We used to hang out at our boarding school dorm, with nothing to do at all.

I agree with this so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her about my DD, who will be dying of boredom but will refuse to reach out to her friend. I have to reach out to the other mom, who is difficult to track down. (These are not little girls.)

Why? I think many kids prefer their phone to feeling vulnerable to a rejected invite. It sounds crazy, but it's true.

Also, there is some measure of "if we're not doing something amazing, it's not worth it to get together." Everything has to be perfect, there has to be a A Plan, and enough time/energy/whatever. It's crazy to me. We used to hang out at our boarding school dorm, with nothing to do at all.

+100 to all of this.

[Anonymous]

Are her friends doing things without her, or is she just assuming they are?

You could gently suggest she bring it up with her friends. Learning to communicate before letting frustration build to a blow out is such a skill.

[Anonymous]

She’s part of a very small group of people who actually make things happen. Kudos to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have noticed the same, all the worsened if you are paying.

Encourage her to get higher quality friends. Start hanging out with more go-getter crowds.

Also, people just suck!

How does one find higher-quality friends?

Go to opt-in demanding activities. Friends from school are friends of convenience. Try for different crowds. If the current friends are extroverted go-with-the-flow, maybe try for introverts where there is a mutual interest.