Lonely in middle age but finding that I don't like many people

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m about to turn 40 and feel the same way as you OP. Moved to DC in my early 30s, had kids, never made good friends here. I’m an introvert but have always been able to find “my people” in other cities I’ve lived in - Boston, Chicago, New York - but somehow, not here. Not sure if it’s because I’m older or the people here. Probably both. I do find most people I interact with through work or DCs school annoying or at the best, fine but I don’t click with them. Everyone seems self involved in their careers / own lives or like you said, perpetually networking and trying to connect “up.”

This.

[Anonymous]

hahaha I needed to read this post and many of the replies !! Thank you for sharing these thoughts. Right back at ya.

[Anonymous]

I’m a few years younger but feel similarly. A lot of people annoy me. Even people I previously really liked I am liking less. The person I feel this way towards most is my husband.

[Anonymous]

I feel the same way. Since we will be empty nesters in a year, I keep focusing on leaving DC and trying to find community elsewhere. I’m hopeful that this is a DC thing. But my fear is that it’s everywhere and the grass won’t be any greener.

[Anonymous]

I think this is resonating with a lot of people. We don't have the free time to just play and make close friendships like we did when we were kids and in college.

And that means ... there are families and women out there who also want what you want ... but as it turns out they don't like people either.

So you have to balance the dislike of people (I get it) with the need for people (I get it).

Maybe you can change your frame of mind and decide to like people??

[Anonymous]

I feel like a few people have mentioned that their kids are in private school. No wonder you're meeting awful people. My community in DC (built largely from my kids DCPS school) is full of interesting and chill people. Sure, a lot of nonprofit idealist types, but there are worse things to be.

Honestly this is one of my #1 concerns with going private. If you don't like the parents, imagine your kid learning alongside their kids all day. Sounds awful.

[Anonymous]

You need to find a hobby where you see the same people on a regular basis. What you’re experiencing is common.

[Anonymous]

I'd look for friendships that are less all encompassing. Have one friend that you like to walk with (or whatever) have another friend you go to movies with have another friend you try new restaurants with etc.

I think putting all the friendship needs into one basket is hard. But we can share experiences and time with people who are not a perfect fit, but a sort of fit, much easier if we don't try to take the "go to the movies friend" and make them the "Saturday night dinner friend".

[Anonymous]

I can relate.

But I am single, and older (just retired). So the need for social contact is even more acute.

I have to constantly reach out, or do things alone. Both can be disappointing, in different ways (or work out).

Thanks for saying people annoy you. They are annoying. And my favorites have moved away (including an adult child, who has less and less space in her life for me.) It is hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m about to turn 40 and feel the same way as you OP. Moved to DC in my early 30s, had kids, never made good friends here. I’m an introvert but have always been able to find “my people” in other cities I’ve lived in - Boston, Chicago, New York - but somehow, not here. Not sure if it’s because I’m older or the people here. Probably both. I do find most people I interact with through work or DCs school annoying or at the best, fine but I don’t click with them. Everyone seems self involved in their careers / own lives or like you said, perpetually networking and trying to connect “up.”

You don't like these people yet you are those people. Right? If you chose private school, that is what you are CHOOSING. My public school might have some parents like this, but it's certainly not the majority. I've met a ton of really great people that I click with through our school.

[Anonymous]

You ought to work on preventing these depressing behaviors from ruling your life. It is easier said than done, but you should still try to work on it.
I am 53, and DH is a bit older. I have noticed more rigid behaviors from DH, and both of us get annoyed with things we used to shrug off.
I am always trying to read, achieve more at work, and prevent myself from becoming that negative old woman who hates everything and everyone.

[Anonymous]

This resonates with me, too. I’m in my late 40s. We had a few families we were close to pre-pandemic. They moved, then we moved to another area for better schools and since then, it’s been hard connecting with new people. Lots of other families seem as busy as we are but also have grandparents close by who they spend their free time with. We don’t have relatives nearby. I’ve kinda resigned myself to focusing on kids and work for the next few years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You ought to work on preventing these depressing behaviors from ruling your life. It is easier said than done, but you should still try to work on it.
I am 53, and DH is a bit older. I have noticed more rigid behaviors from DH, and both of us get annoyed with things we used to shrug off.
I am always trying to read, achieve more at work, and prevent myself from becoming that negative old woman who hates everything and everyone.

When people don’t reciprocate it’s easy to become dejected. Based on what I saw as a kid 40 years ago, my grandparents had it easier. They were really tied to their community and had life long friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like a few people have mentioned that their kids are in private school. No wonder you're meeting awful people. My community in DC (built largely from my kids DCPS school) is full of interesting and chill people. Sure, a lot of nonprofit idealist types, but there are worse things to be.

Honestly this is one of my #1 concerns with going private. If you don't like the parents, imagine your kid learning alongside their kids all day. Sounds awful.

NP here. I think you've unwittingly demonstrated some things about DC culture that bug me here. I am also a DCPS parent and we'll never be able to afford to go private in DC. But a lot of what you say here demonstrates this very specific kind of competitiveness and anti-social behavior I encounter constantly in DC and really struggle with. You're making all these assumptions and saying all these disparaging things about people you don't even know. It's pretty obvious that the main reason you have for doing this is to make yourself feel good about your own choices. And again I say this as a fellow DCPS parent so I am not judging your choices at all -- I made the same ones.

But this passive aggressive one-upsmanship and the need to put down others just to prove to yourself that you are doing it right sucks. And people are like this all over here. Including among the idealist nonprofit types (who can be every bit as competitive and judgmental and cut throat as the consultants and corporate lawyers and media people just about different stuff). I find it exhausting. People act like you have to prove that you are the right kind of person -- their kind of person. I increasingly don't feel like I'm anyone's kind of person here. And I don't like having to perform for others just to be part of a community or feel welcome -- I don't like feeling like my belonging is that tenuous.

Like others we are exploring moving out of this area and kind of hoping this is specific to DC. But maybe it's everywhere. I don't know. I didn't really start feeling this way until my late 30s. I still have friends in DC that I made in my 20s and those are still rock solid friendships. But we're scattered and some people have moved away and as much as I love those friends it doesn't feel like a cohesive community which is definitely what I crave at this stage in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You ought to work on preventing these depressing behaviors from ruling your life. It is easier said than done, but you should still try to work on it.
I am 53, and DH is a bit older. I have noticed more rigid behaviors from DH, and both of us get annoyed with things we used to shrug off.
I am always trying to read, achieve more at work, and prevent myself from becoming that negative old woman who hates everything and everyone.

When people don’t reciprocate it’s easy to become dejected. Based on what I saw as a kid 40 years ago, my grandparents had it easier. They were really tied to their community and had life long friends.

That is true, for sure. We are more lonely today than our grandparents were. However, I notice that this might be due to our choices as we age. My FIL turned down every offer of BBQ and every event from friends when he became a widower. He started hating people and was even diagnosed with depression. He told his doctor that he didn't care, but it was his turn to make people miserable. And he sure does make the best effort at this! My mom said she has nothing to be happy about in her life! She is with her youngest grandchild, late, to be sure, and I can tell you she loves every minute of it but still acts like she has nothing to be happy about in her life. Mom owns a huge house, has a very good retirement income, and lives with my sister, who takes care of the yard and the bills and takes her on vacations every few months!

Dh and I have these two examples pushing us to improve and do more things together and try not to turn into FIL and mom. Recently retired friends play badminton, go to the river every evening (they live in Canada on the river close to the U.S.), watch boats, and are trying to build a new community in a smaller town where they retired.
I am writing all this to say it has to do with choices. I find myself getting irritated with people all the time, too. I am no exception, and I am facing the same as you are. On top of that, I am an immigrant here, so most of my family is in Europe. Maybe someone else has some suggestions for both of us as to how to find walking groups and breakfast groups and make new friends.