Lonely in middle age but finding that I don't like many people

[Anonymous]

I think DC is challenging too. I visit friends in other cities and we wind up at neighbors parties or gatherings having fun. Nothing like that around here in decades for me. I have my old friends but making new ones is hard.

[Anonymous]

“Nothing like that around here in decades for me“
It is VERY limited in DC. Sometimes you have to bring the party

[Anonymous]

same pp.* I have lived in DC for 2o years. It is challenging. It’s part me and part my environment

[Anonymous]

I struggle with this too. I'm a SAHM with health problems, so my ability to meet people is limited.

We joined a progressive church that aligns with our values. I'm all for the shift away from dogmatic and oppressive religions but I do think we've lost something in not having the rituals and built-in community. It's ingrained in us to feel most secure in a small, close-knit tribe. We also live in a place (city) where we tend to like the people who live around us, so we make community with neighbors. Our first foray into preschool was a mistake -- I picked a nearby church preschool which turned out to be full of conservative country club families -- so we pivoted to a progressive preschool and have done public from elementary on. I know that changing schools isn't feasible for you right now; my point is just that it takes some intentionality to put yourself in the midst of the kind of people you like. We all crave community and hopefully you can find your people if you make it a priority.

[Anonymous]

I can’t offer 10k+ annual donations to charities. I also have zero desire to spend thousands of dollars on travel without my family to places that interest my old friends but not me. I don’t care for eating in restaurants that often (too heavy for my tastes). I also don’t drink alcohol.

I’ve been dropped by every old friend as a result of my preferences. I don’t have major lifestyle upgrades to offer new friends either so I have not been successful at attracting new friends.

Friendships today seem to be all about “What have you done for me lately?”

[Anonymous]

I struggle so hard with this. I’m a single mom and lost a lot of friends when I went through a divorce. Even though I didn’t want the divorce all the couple friends “picked” my ex-husband. It has been hard and lonely starting over. It’s been a few years out but still, T’s tough especially in an area like DMV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's a lot of DC bashing in this thread. I get it--people move to DC for a job and it can be hard to create a community. But please know that there are lots of people who are actual natives of DC who have decades-long friendship that span generations. And guess how these people became friends? Through school and work and being neigbhors. Maybe take a look at your attitude--adjusting it might make things more pleasant for you.

So you are upset that people are "bashing" northern VA/DC and now you are bashing/lecturing the person who started the thread? Yes your attitude is what people are talking about when they talk about DC natives. Your attitude stinks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think DC is challenging too. I visit friends in other cities and we wind up at neighbors parties or gatherings having fun. Nothing like that around here in decades for me. I have my old friends but making new ones is hard.

Agree I always feel more relaxed and social in other cities. There is something stiff and cold about DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's a lot of DC bashing in this thread. I get it--people move to DC for a job and it can be hard to create a community. But please know that there are lots of people who are actual natives of DC who have decades-long friendship that span generations. And guess how these people became friends? Through school and work and being neigbhors. Maybe take a look at your attitude--adjusting it might make things more pleasant for you.

I think what you might not understand as someone who lives in the place where you grew up is that DC transplants often do not have access to the same network you do and the networks we DO have access to are by nature more transient and harder to turn into community.

You are fortunate to have grown up and have family in a largish city with a good economy which allows you to live here as an adult and still have those connections to childhood and college-era friends as well as your family's network dating back generations. I am one of the many DC transplants who wound up here in part because I don't have anywhere like that I could go. I am from a very remote small town with no job prospects and the nearest city is 5 hours away. And my family doesn't even go back generations in that town -- my parents were transplants there after moving to the US from overseas. So it's not like I moved to DC from Chicago and am like "ugh DC sucks." I came here for school and work and sought to put down roots and build community. I've been here for 25 years.

I do have friends in this area who are natives but because they are natives they will likely never be particularly close friends -- they have family and a million contacts here and I'm just one of many people they know. I also wind up making friends with other transplants. And that's where the transient nature of DC's transplant population becomes a problem -- I have had dozens of friends who have moved away for work or school or family within a few years of me knowing them.

It's not "DC bashing" to say this city can be a very hard place to create your own community if you didn't grow up here. In fact I have heard similar things about a lot of other cities. You just don't get it because you are fairly fortunate in your background and had options some of us didn't have. And likely if I met you there would be little incentive for you to really invest in a friendship with me because while it's a need for me it's just a nice-to-have for you. So rather than lecturing me on how I need to adjust my attitude perhaps you should take a second to realize that you just don't really understand what people in this thread are talking about because you have never had to do what they are trying to do.

[Anonymous]

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C9r7vwsJUCP/?igsh=MXFxcXFwNWZsaWl4cQ==[url]

[Anonymous]

Wise words in the link.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wise words in the link.

Yes. DC is a very intelligent city which proves what Tesla believed in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are too picky these days. You are part of the problem. Always another person out there that might be better. It's like cheating but with friends instead of spouses.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's a lot of DC bashing in this thread. I get it--people move to DC for a job and it can be hard to create a community. But please know that there are lots of people who are actual natives of DC who have decades-long friendship that span generations. And guess how these people became friends? Through school and work and being neigbhors. Maybe take a look at your attitude--adjusting it might make things more pleasant for you.

Yes, it's easier to make and keep connections in the place that you grow up. It's harder to do so later in life and when locals already have their own connections.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t offer 10k+ annual donations to charities. I also have zero desire to spend thousands of dollars on travel without my family to places that interest my old friends but not me. I don’t care for eating in restaurants that often (too heavy for my tastes). I also don’t drink alcohol.

I’ve been dropped by every old friend as a result of my preferences. I don’t have major lifestyle upgrades to offer new friends either so I have not been successful at attracting new friends.

Friendships today seem to be all about “What have you done for me lately?”

Your post is depressing. Here are the things you dislike:

Dining out
Alcohol
Travel
Charities

How do you possibly expect to make friends who don’t enjoy some of the above? How could you reach the conclusion someone wants to be friends with you for what you’ve done for them? I suppose you don’t enjoy normal activities or having fun so that’s all that is really left?