Lonely in middle age but finding that I don't like many people

[Anonymous]

I'm just about 50, married and kids are in high school. Our eldest is a senior.
I have a number of ride-or-die female friends in DC and elsewhere but my husband and I don't have a great social community in DC.
So many people we've invested in over the years have moved away or we've drifted apart (we were friends of mutual convenience in a season of life--a sports team, a school, etc).

I spend my time wishing we had a better community but as I near 50 I also find myself with less and less tolerance for people. So many annoy me. Maybe it's the crowd we're in (private schools) or DC in general. People often feel like such extremes of personality: intense, odd, self-promoting, etc. Gosh. I'm probably just as odd and annoying to others. I think feeling this way may be due in part to being middle aged. I've become far less likely to put up with bull sh$%T or people that annoy me.

Sigh. I'm probably not making much sense. But anyone else have an ongoing tug-of-war between REALLY and genuinely wanting a better community and yet just not meeting many people you actually want to know better or spend time with? Please don't just jump all over me on this. I recognize that I'm probably not many other people's taste either. Just wondering how much this resonates (or doesn't) with others.

[Anonymous]

This resonates with me in many ways. For me, it's a combination of not connecting with people enough to have the desire to put forth the energy to develop more significant friendships and already being stretched so thin that it would be hard to even make it happen. My kids are also high school and middle school age. I crave community, but I'm not sure I even have the capacity to be a good friend right now. Fortunately, I enjoy my own company.

For the most part, I'm focused on my husband, kids, siblings, and parents. Maybe that should be enough for me for now, but I understand what you are saying.

[Anonymous]

I think your problem is that your “friends of mutual convenience” category is stuff about parenting. The best “season of life” friends imo come from your own pursuits. It’s also the best way to have friends who are older or younger or live very differently from you. Some of them stick and become lifelong friends, and some won’t.

So just focus on doing the things you want to do, learning and creating and pursuing goals. The community you’re seeking probably comes as a part of that.

[Anonymous]

People are too picky these days. You are part of the problem. Always another person out there that might be better. It's like cheating but with friends instead of spouses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your problem is that your “friends of mutual convenience” category is stuff about parenting. The best “season of life” friends imo come from your own pursuits. It’s also the best way to have friends who are older or younger or live very differently from you. Some of them stick and become lifelong friends, and some won’t.

So just focus on doing the things you want to do, learning and creating and pursuing goals. The community you’re seeking probably comes as a part of that.

NP - Wise perspective and advice.

[Anonymous]

People become less tolerant in general as they age. Its very hard to build friendships when theh are older and people just focus on family since they are stuck with them.

[Anonymous]

I think there are more people like you than you realize. We moved to dc in our early 40s from the west coast for work. Huge increase in income but we left behind 3-4 families we were really good friends with. We met them when the kids were toddlers and met up every week or 2 and took trips together. Send our kids to private high school as well.

Dc is a weird place. Everyone tries to be a mover and shaker. People seem to be in networking mode all the time. Lots of people from family money or with very high hhi’s that we just don’t have a lot in common with. Like you, it annoys me. But I try to not let it affect me on a day to day basis. There is freedoms in being a fish out of water. For me, living in dc is like living in another country.

[Anonymous]

Like PP said, you are entering a new season of life. So it’s time to make new friends. You need to decide if it’s worth putting the effort to do that or not. As another PP said, many people are in your same boat, so if you want to put the effort in, you can. It is your choice.

[Anonymous]

I’ve lived in several big cities and can relate. And would definitely tell you it’s your circle, including your career choices and expectations.

I’ve recently settled in a small town outside a small city where people grew up and either never left, or they left and came back to raise a family. There’s just a different mindset that is places more emphasis on community, both is searching and in accepting what’s available and making the best of it.

[Anonymous]

^^ I say career choices, b/c many of the lucrative smaller town jobs are community focused. Doctor, lawyer, real estate agent, etc.

Hard to find community when you’re sitting behind a desk all day engaging with just colleagues and non-local clients.

[Anonymous]

This is me. I wouldn’t say I feel lonely on a day to day basis, but I do miss having a community the way I did when I was younger. I find I get that kind of interaction at work these days (on a really intense project so it’s been bonding).

But when given the option to socialize with new people, my internal reaction is often along the lines of “ew, no!”

[Anonymous]

You need therapy.

[Anonymous]

Do you have a job?
Do you have hobbies?
Do you work out/yoga/pickleball/tennis/anything?

[Anonymous]

I’m about to turn 40 and feel the same way as you OP. Moved to DC in my early 30s, had kids, never made good friends here. I’m an introvert but have always been able to find “my people” in other cities I’ve lived in - Boston, Chicago, New York - but somehow, not here. Not sure if it’s because I’m older or the people here. Probably both. I do find most people I interact with through work or DCs school annoying or at the best, fine but I don’t click with them. Everyone seems self involved in their careers / own lives or like you said, perpetually networking and trying to connect “up.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there are more people like you than you realize. We moved to dc in our early 40s from the west coast for work. Huge increase in income but we left behind 3-4 families we were really good friends with. We met them when the kids were toddlers and met up every week or 2 and took trips together. Send our kids to private high school as well.

Dc is a weird place. Everyone tries to be a mover and shaker. People seem to be in networking mode all the time. Lots of people from family money or with very high hhi’s that we just don’t have a lot in common with. Like you, it annoys me. But I try to not let it affect me on a day to day basis. There is freedoms in being a fish out of water. For me, living in dc is like living in another country.

Wow I could have written this....I miss the west coast so much but I know this is a season. People here are intense-running in circles chasing their tails. It's not for me.