Helping DD navigate team dynamics in team sports

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is one of the youngest in her team and was new last year.

She has similar questions though not quite as severe as what you are describing.

I told her to follow the instructions of the coaches and captains but to consider instructions from other girls that were not captains as just advisory only (and ignore especially if it conflicted with coaching). But also to not complain and just play on, since in the long run respect was earned through great play, and so if she did well she would naturally start getting more touches over time.

Incidentally the coach started telling some other girls they needed to look to her near the goal… with no prompting from her (let alone me), just his observation.

Anyways it’s all working out. She is still more generous to her teammates around the goal etc. than some are to her but she gets her chances and contributes and the team is playing well together.

That’s long winded but basically chill out and play through it.

This is really helpful, thank you. I think DD thought she was going crazy and panicked because this kind of sport and dynamic is so new to her. I think I might actually use the phrase “chill out and play through it” if we talk about it more later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Any thoughts on how to get her from where she is now to being someone who communicates during the game?"

DP. In generally, reading your reply, I would say she lacks confidence. Also, as a younger player, she probably has no connection to the other players. Having her crew could help. Being better at the sport will help.

Since summer is over, is there someone you could hire for after school or weekends to help her develop her skill at a faster rate. That could help her confidence.

To add to this, make sure your daughter knows the rules, has a high sports IQ for her specific sport (you don’t name the sport, but this varies by sport), and is actually a good player.

My daughter started a travel sport at 8. She was advanced for her age, but the youngest on the team. She did what the coach told her and listened to the older girls - they were mostly nice but expected a lot of her and let her know. She learned the rules, her confidence grew, she got more playing time, and her teammates knew they could rely on her. This was fine until jealousy led to another girl coming at her. DD tried to ignore, but we had to intervene when threats started (age 10). By 12, DD was the one directing her team, even older girls because she was very confident in her skill and knowledge. She is in high school now and the is still the case.

[Anonymous]

My DD is likely in a different sport, but the need for communication is common among many sports. One player has to focus on handling the ball and has less time to observe the court / field. Verbal cues from the other players can help the player with the ball figure out where everyone is on the court and decide what would be the best strategy moving forward. When other players ask for the ball, they may be bossy, but they might also simply say "I am here and I am ready." Kids may misinterpret the verbal cues, especially if they are new to the sport or come from a club with a different communication culture. You can tell who is bossy / assertive and who is simply communicating based on the tone of their voice and the body language. Your DD could ask the coach what is the best approach to make passing decisions. The coach will likely tell her to follow instructions during practice and trust her gut and experience during games. All the kids need to hear this every once in a while.

[Anonymous]

How are all these kids the youngest on the team? Don’t they group them by age or grade? How is a nine year old just signing up and is in the middle of playing game? Ridiculous. Slow down. Take some drills and skills classes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How are all these kids the youngest on the team? Don’t they group them by age or grade? How is a nine year old just signing up and is in the middle of playing game? Ridiculous. Slow down. Take some drills and skills classes.

In case it helps others from obsessing over what sport this could possible be: it’s water polo. It’s not a huge sport where we live so the intro levels include pretty wide age spans in order to make the league work. They start with games right away because the summer season is short and fast and has to be wedged in after summer swim but before the HS season.

Kids can be 8-12 in the youngest group but most are 11-12. After that, teams go by 2 year age bands. There aren’t drills and skills classes beyond the hour clinics she’ll go to in the fall. This is the rec/slow side of the sport in our area- the next level up is club and travel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How are all these kids the youngest on the team? Don’t they group them by age or grade? How is a nine year old just signing up and is in the middle of playing game? Ridiculous. Slow down. Take some drills and skills classes.

In case it helps others from obsessing over what sport this could possible be: it’s water polo. It’s not a huge sport where we live so the intro levels include pretty wide age spans in order to make the league work. They start with games right away because the summer season is short and fast and has to be wedged in after summer swim but before the HS season.

Kids can be 8-12 in the youngest group but most are 11-12. After that, teams go by 2 year age bands. There aren’t drills and skills classes beyond the hour clinics she’ll go to in the fall. This is the rec/slow side of the sport in our area- the next level up is club and travel.

I thought it was basketball and it wasn’t making sense. That’s why it’s helpful to name the sport. I don’t know water polo so I trust you know what you’re talking about. She’s new tell her not to worry it will get easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How are all these kids the youngest on the team? Don’t they group them by age or grade? How is a nine year old just signing up and is in the middle of playing game? Ridiculous. Slow down. Take some drills and skills classes.

In case it helps others from obsessing over what sport this could possible be: it’s water polo. It’s not a huge sport where we live so the intro levels include pretty wide age spans in order to make the league work. They start with games right away because the summer season is short and fast and has to be wedged in after summer swim but before the HS season.

Kids can be 8-12 in the youngest group but most are 11-12. After that, teams go by 2 year age bands. There aren’t drills and skills classes beyond the hour clinics she’ll go to in the fall. This is the rec/slow side of the sport in our area- the next level up is club and travel.

I thought it was basketball and it wasn’t making sense. That’s why it’s helpful to name the sport. I don’t know water polo so I trust you know what you’re talking about. She’s new tell her not to worry it will get easier.

The girls who are the loudest on her team also play fairly serious basketball in the fall and winter! Maybe DD needs to play rec basketball this winter to pick up whatever they’re learning on the court. I can’t imagine how loud it must get in those gyms!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is 9 and primarily does sports that are individual or have very specific roles for players.

She tried a new sport this summer and loves it. She has a lot of improvement to make and is one of the smaller and younger kids, but she has a great sense of how to move the ball and is a scrappy defender plus has had some success finding opportunities to score when on offense.

All that being said, she is majorly struggling with the interpersonal part of team ball sports. She is not loud or assertive, and comes home from games raging because the coach gave a plan x to the team but two other really loud, aggressive girls screamed at DD to follow plan y. They yelled “pass pass pass” before DD even had the ball and on one occasion even stole the ball from DD. She felt like she never had a chance to do the job assigned to her by the coach and that her teammates were mad at her for not doing a job that they made up for her (and didn’t want to do themselves).

DD couldn’t figure out how to alert the coach to conflicting instructions, stand up for herself, etc all while simultaneously playing. She was furious with herself for not being one of the “popular, bossy girls” and also mad because some of their selfish plays cost the team scoring opportunities in a tight loss.

I already talked my DD through this with a big focus on the fact that she can’t control others, can’t rely on teammates to play as a team until they’re all much older and experienced, and might also need to be more assertive herself if she wants to get turns.

But how should a girl actually navigate this dynamic without alienating other girls and still trying to improve at the sport? At her age, talent and play making still don’t seem important, and everything is size and bossiness.

At that age, just do what you can to get better. Competence pretty much trumps everything else other than being the coaches kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Talk about it parent to kid. Develop a strategy for responding in the moment.
2. Coaches want her to play her role or position to the best of her ability and by doing that — have some fun.
3. Teammates are, in many sports, supposed to “talk”. This lets their teammates know where they are. Whether it makes sense to use them at that moment depends on what options are available, at the moment, for your kid.

A big aspect of communication is to create diversions. Example; we are playing basketball. You are dribbling on a fast break down the center. I cut to the left of the jkey and yell “ball”. The defender moves left to try and be in a position to block a pass. By doing that - cutting left, yell “ball” - I open the right side for you to drive the right side and get a layup.

I may have wanted the ball. You have made the assessment that you driving the hoop is better. Okay. That’s the game. Should you drive the hoop against 2 defenders in position? Probably not. Game assessment. I might even say - “get me the ball. You going 1 v 2 was stupid.” Okay. But game is still going. Keep playing. Keep learning. Just because someone is calling for a ball, puck, or whatever does not make it correct to get it to them. And, it can be a diversion.

It is all still a learning process.

This is Op and this is helpful because I think DD doesn’t know how to deal with in-game chatter, regardless of whether it’s pertinent to the game, selfish and self-promoting, or a diversion (pretty sure her team is not at the level of sophistication to be creating diversions!). I talked to her a lot about how that is 100% a normal part of field and ball sports and she’s going to have speak up. No one’s going to work around a silent teammate even if silence feels natural to her. We agreed that she will need to work to find an in-game voice that is authentic to her and her playing style and be brave enough to use it.

She’s a quiet kid and struggles to get out quick verbal retorts in situations like someone saying something mean at school, so of course adding the pressure of being in a game is getting her tongue-tied. She said “I’ll never be able to speak up in a game!”. I think that her excitement for the sport and drive to want to do well will eventually outweigh her tongue-tied feeling.

She’s worried that she’ll never get turns or be given the chance to be “good” if she doesn’t speak up.

Any thoughts on how to get her from where she is now to being someone who communicates during the game?

As the parent of a kid who was quiet, shy, and skilled, first my sympathies. DS had a kid on his first travel team who would yell instructions and even try to steal the ball from DS. The kids mom was also terrible — she’s talk sh-t about DS during games. Luckily for us, some knowledgeable parents shut her down (“actually, he’s the only one out there running the play correctly”), but it was tough.

Also, I agree with what PP said about it being OP to let kids know that they are making bad choices and being selfish. Something like “Learn the play, Larla! You’re supposed to be on the right.”

Finally, that sounds like a not great team. DS switched to a team where the coach taught supportive team play (e.g. you don’t cheer for your teammates when you’re on the bench, you sit until you learn to cheer; you don’t cheer for the last guy finishing a drill, you run it again) and started playing much, much better. I’d consider looking around.