Helping DD navigate team dynamics in team sports
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Anonymous
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DD is 9 and primarily does sports that are individual or have very specific roles for players.
She tried a new sport this summer and loves it. She has a lot of improvement to make and is one of the smaller and younger kids, but she has a great sense of how to move the ball and is a scrappy defender plus has had some success finding opportunities to score when on offense. All that being said, she is majorly struggling with the interpersonal part of team ball sports. She is not loud or assertive, and comes home from games raging because the coach gave a plan x to the team but two other really loud, aggressive girls screamed at DD to follow plan y. They yelled “pass pass pass” before DD even had the ball and on one occasion even stole the ball from DD. She felt like she never had a chance to do the job assigned to her by the coach and that her teammates were mad at her for not doing a job that they made up for her (and didn’t want to do themselves). DD couldn’t figure out how to alert the coach to conflicting instructions, stand up for herself, etc all while simultaneously playing. She was furious with herself for not being one of the “popular, bossy girls” and also mad because some of their selfish plays cost the team scoring opportunities in a tight loss. I already talked my DD through this with a big focus on the fact that she can’t control others, can’t rely on teammates to play as a team until they’re all much older and experienced, and might also need to be more assertive herself if she wants to get turns. But how should a girl actually navigate this dynamic without alienating other girls and still trying to improve at the sport? At her age, talent and play making still don’t seem important, and everything is size and bossiness. |
Anonymous
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That is tough, but common. My DS dealt with similar in basketball at that age.
I’d tell her to follow coach’s instructions (not teammates’). I’d also hope coach notices this dynamic (usually they do?) and eventually addresses it in a general way with the team. I wouldn’t talk to the coach or advise DD to do so right now. DD will probably learn how to better navigate on her own over time. I’d probably keep an eye out for opportunities on other teams too- sometimes a team just isn’t a great fit and at age 9 it is usually fairly easy to make a change |
Anonymous
| Holy shit. Relax Jan they’re 9 |
Anonymous
Agree. I have a few kids and the oldest is 17. All have played various sports. Tell the kid that she’s there to learn and that she should do what she is supposed to do, and have fun. Ignore the other stuff. |
Anonymous
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1. Talk about it parent to kid. Develop a strategy for responding in the moment.
2. Coaches want her to play her role or position to the best of her ability and by doing that — have some fun. 3. Teammates are, in many sports, supposed to “talk”. This lets their teammates know where they are. Whether it makes sense to use them at that moment depends on what options are available, at the moment, for your kid. A big aspect of communication is to create diversions. Example; we are playing basketball. You are dribbling on a fast break down the center. I cut to the left of the jkey and yell “ball”. The defender moves left to try and be in a position to block a pass. By doing that - cutting left, yell “ball” - I open the right side for you to drive the right side and get a layup. I may have wanted the ball. You have made the assessment that you driving the hoop is better. Okay. That’s the game. Should you drive the hoop against 2 defenders in position? Probably not. Game assessment. I might even say - “get me the ball. You going 1 v 2 was stupid.” Okay. But game is still going. Keep playing. Keep learning. Just because someone is calling for a ball, puck, or whatever does not make it correct to get it to them. And, it can be a diversion. It is all still a learning process. |
Anonymous
This. As a parent of a 17 year old, I am rolling my eyes. This is gonna be a long road for you, OP. |
Anonymous
That's helpful. |
Anonymous
This is not helpful to OP. Instead of rolling your eyes and writing that you are rolling your eyes, you could roll your eyes and offer advice that would help OP deal with the situation. "Relax" is not helpful. The kid is frustrated and needs guidance. Should OP alienate the kid by asking her to relax as well? Because that's going to work wonders. If you have a 17 years old and you've been through this kind of situation, share your experience in a helpful way rather than being dismissive and better than everyone. Alternatively, you could ignore the post if you have nothing positive to contribute. |
Anonymous
Exactly. Plus, the PP might have a different type of kid, maybe one of the bossy ones, so it was easy for her to "relax." |
Anonymous
I think this is an interesting assessment. And it could apply to most anything that takes skill and/or talent. Part of being good at something isn't just talent and skill. It's also being able to assess in real time and make better moves. No amount of planning can prepare you for what actually goes down in real time. And the player/worker/artist/whatever has to be able to take in all information and then execute. This is what makes a great anything. OP's DD is in the beginning stages of learning this. She doesn't need to learn to be "bossy" per se, but understand that just because the coach says do X, in the moment she might not be able to do X. She must assess and decide what the best option is. Attempt to make X happen or is there another opportunity to make X happen a different way. This can also backfire--the kid who thinks they know better. But it's a learning process. DD needs to figure out if she can execute X or adjust, then have the confidence to do either. |
Anonymous
This is Op and this is helpful because I think DD doesn’t know how to deal with in-game chatter, regardless of whether it’s pertinent to the game, selfish and self-promoting, or a diversion (pretty sure her team is not at the level of sophistication to be creating diversions!). I talked to her a lot about how that is 100% a normal part of field and ball sports and she’s going to have speak up. No one’s going to work around a silent teammate even if silence feels natural to her. We agreed that she will need to work to find an in-game voice that is authentic to her and her playing style and be brave enough to use it. She’s a quiet kid and struggles to get out quick verbal retorts in situations like someone saying something mean at school, so of course adding the pressure of being in a game is getting her tongue-tied. She said “I’ll never be able to speak up in a game!”. I think that her excitement for the sport and drive to want to do well will eventually outweigh her tongue-tied feeling. She’s worried that she’ll never get turns or be given the chance to be “good” if she doesn’t speak up. Any thoughts on how to get her from where she is now to being someone who communicates during the game? |
Anonymous
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"Any thoughts on how to get her from where she is now to being someone who communicates during the game?"
DP. In generally, reading your reply, I would say she lacks confidence. Also, as a younger player, she probably has no connection to the other players. Having her crew could help. Being better at the sport will help. Since summer is over, is there someone you could hire for after school or weekends to help her develop her skill at a faster rate. That could help her confidence. |
Anonymous
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Parent of quiet kids here.
Some kids will NEVER have the personality to push back on the bossy kids. With a bunch of 9-year-olds, it's personality, not skill or natural talent, that emboldens some to speak up and others to stay quiet. I would just encourage her to keep working on her physical game, listen to the coach MUCH more than the other players, and always let her know that you enjoyed watching her play. You don't need to rehash every game or remark with her. |
Anonymous
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My daughter is one of the youngest in her team and was new last year.
She has similar questions though not quite as severe as what you are describing. I told her to follow the instructions of the coaches and captains but to consider instructions from other girls that were not captains as just advisory only (and ignore especially if it conflicted with coaching). But also to not complain and just play on, since in the long run respect was earned through great play, and so if she did well she would naturally start getting more touches over time. Incidentally the coach started telling some other girls they needed to look to her near the goal… with no prompting from her (let alone me), just his observation. Anyways it’s all working out. She is still more generous to her teammates around the goal etc. than some are to her but she gets her chances and contributes and the team is playing well together. That’s long winded but basically chill out and play through it. |
Anonymous
Thanks! This is helpful advice. There is a HS girl who is involved in the program who offered to work with her 1x/week on skills, and we also found a series of fall clinics that are just an hour per week but would probably help her improve and feel more belonging in the sport. I think you are right that she lacks confidence (both in life and sports) and needs to find that to find her voice. |