Aging parents v young children

Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:the older generation often made a lot of mistakes, at least in my case. As a senior in HS, I told my parents to sell our townhome and move to a cheaper area and a smaller apartment. they refused. every bit of advice--refused. now my mom is in a nursing home and I have to clean up their house that is in a reverse mortgage. fun times


oh and my kid was just diagnosed with autism and my siblings are nowhere to be found bc "they have their own issues".


Don't blame your siblings. you don't "have to" clean up anything. You "have your own issues" too.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I mean, they kinda are competition for your time. I don't think you have to put up with rude behavior or give your parent what they want. But there's only so many hours in the day.

I think a lot of aging parents feel anxiety that their future needs will be more than their support people can willingly handle.


This. And I wish people generally would show more grace on this.

You do not need to tolerate rudeness or let the parents have what they want if you cannot or don't want to do so, or just can't do so. But, the anxiety of aging is very real. At over 50 and will a significant health scare behind me, and recognizing I prob only have 25-30 years ahead of me, and what that will look like, has started causing me a lot of anxiety (that I've never had before). I cannot imagine what it may be like for some elderly, esp if they are ill, lack finances, lack support.

One day many of you will be in the position of those you are complaining about. But remember, they were once teens, ballerinas, football players, nurses, mothers, sons and daughters. They were you. You're going to want compassion and empathy when the time comes.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My mother is similar. Comes to visit and wants to do shopping and lunches. Makes constant comments about how miserable I must be with the “crazy schedule” I have of kid activities. (Each kid does one extracurricular -neither of which is excessive.)
She’s not interested in spending much time with my kids aside from getting the obligatory cute grandkids pictures to share with her friend group.
I look at other people whose parents are involved and engaged grandparents and I just feel sad. I would have so much more time for her if she spent it with my family and my kids. We used to be so close but it’s hard to have a deep relationship with someone who isn’t interested in my kids at all or who subtly implies she resents them. I chalk it up to being a selfish boomer. Which is probably unfair.


This issue can go both ways. My MIl and SIL do not live locally but are very engaged and want to spend more time with our family and kids than we can handle. The expectations are exhausting. If we say no, we get guilt and the assumption we must not love or care about them. They have come up with ideals for how they want to spend their time with our kids and we are expected to deliver. It often becomes a dispute because we are not prioritizing their wants and emotional needs over our own. It’s hard to find balance.


Oh, how tragic for you to have involved families that want to help care for or be there for your kids. God, do you hear yourself?
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My mother is similar. Comes to visit and wants to do shopping and lunches. Makes constant comments about how miserable I must be with the “crazy schedule” I have of kid activities. (Each kid does one extracurricular -neither of which is excessive.)
She’s not interested in spending much time with my kids aside from getting the obligatory cute grandkids pictures to share with her friend group.
I look at other people whose parents are involved and engaged grandparents and I just feel sad. I would have so much more time for her if she spent it with my family and my kids. We used to be so close but it’s hard to have a deep relationship with someone who isn’t interested in my kids at all or who subtly implies she resents them. I chalk it up to being a selfish boomer. Which is probably unfair.


This issue can go both ways. My MIl and SIL do not live locally but are very engaged and want to spend more time with our family and kids than we can handle. The expectations are exhausting. If we say no, we get guilt and the assumption we must not love or care about them. They have come up with ideals for how they want to spend their time with our kids and we are expected to deliver. It often becomes a dispute because we are not prioritizing their wants and emotional needs over our own. It’s hard to find balance.


Oh, how tragic for you to have involved families that want to help care for or be there for your kids. God, do you hear yourself?


That isn't what the post you quoted said.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My mother is similar. Comes to visit and wants to do shopping and lunches. Makes constant comments about how miserable I must be with the “crazy schedule” I have of kid activities. (Each kid does one extracurricular -neither of which is excessive.)
She’s not interested in spending much time with my kids aside from getting the obligatory cute grandkids pictures to share with her friend group.
I look at other people whose parents are involved and engaged grandparents and I just feel sad. I would have so much more time for her if she spent it with my family and my kids. We used to be so close but it’s hard to have a deep relationship with someone who isn’t interested in my kids at all or who subtly implies she resents them. I chalk it up to being a selfish boomer. Which is probably unfair.


This issue can go both ways. My MIl and SIL do not live locally but are very engaged and want to spend more time with our family and kids than we can handle. The expectations are exhausting. If we say no, we get guilt and the assumption we must not love or care about them. They have come up with ideals for how they want to spend their time with our kids and we are expected to deliver. It often becomes a dispute because we are not prioritizing their wants and emotional needs over our own. It’s hard to find balance.


Oh, how tragic for you to have involved families that want to help care for or be there for your kids. God, do you hear yourself?


That isn't what the post you quoted said.


Yes it did. Said they are very engaged.

“are very engaged and want to spend more time with our family and kids.”
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I mean, they kinda are competition for your time. I don't think you have to put up with rude behavior or give your parent what they want. But there's only so many hours in the day.

I think a lot of aging parents feel anxiety that their future needs will be more than their support people can willingly handle.


This. And I wish people generally would show more grace on this.

You do not need to tolerate rudeness or let the parents have what they want if you cannot or don't want to do so, or just can't do so. But, the anxiety of aging is very real. At over 50 and will a significant health scare behind me, and recognizing I prob only have 25-30 years ahead of me, and what that will look like, has started causing me a lot of anxiety (that I've never had before). I cannot imagine what it may be like for some elderly, esp if they are ill, lack finances, lack support.

One day many of you will be in the position of those you are complaining about. But remember, they were once teens, ballerinas, football players, nurses, mothers, sons and daughters. They were you. You're going to want compassion and empathy when the time comes.


Nope. I took on this way of thinking of having endless empathy and it literally almost killed me. Some of us just have incredibly entitled parents who didn't do much for their own, but want to age in place with us at their beckon call while we balance families of our own and jobs. Oh and yes, they get super-anxious because they deep down know they are asking 100x more of than they did for their own parents even if they try to re-write history. It took my own serious health issue to finally prioritize my own health, my kids and my spouse. Mom barely talks to me now, but guess what? She finally accepted lots of hired help with all her $$$$ she tried to threaten me with.If they don't have tons of money, but are entitled and difficult, you find out what is offered through the council of aging. The people pleaser in me had to die, so I could literally still be alive. It's amazing how finally saying no over and over to my mother did more for my physical health than powerful medicines.

We gaslight women constantly when it comes to challenging elderly parents. The more manipulative people will say "I'm not telling you it's OK for them to take advantage/abuse/yell/demand, BUT......have some empathy/compassion/grace" You are trying to say be a good girl and just balance it all and when mommy screams just give her grace and know she is scared. If mommy calls you 20 times in a day, gently set boundaries with love over and over and when she doesn't accept them just know....your kids are watching/you will be old one day/God sees/just suck it up lady because society expects you to suck it up.

There are options for people at all income levels. They certainly can be far from ideal, but so is allowing an elder to take over your life. You figure out what you can handle based on your mental capacity and how they treat you and then you figure out what can be offered that does not involve you. You cannot force siblings to change their boundaries. You just figure out your own and you ignore all the noise of people trying to guilt/shame/manipulate/gaslight you into taking on too much until you crack and finally realize they don't care about you.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I mean, they kinda are competition for your time. I don't think you have to put up with rude behavior or give your parent what they want. But there's only so many hours in the day.

I think a lot of aging parents feel anxiety that their future needs will be more than their support people can willingly handle.


This. And I wish people generally would show more grace on this.

You do not need to tolerate rudeness or let the parents have what they want if you cannot or don't want to do so, or just can't do so. But, the anxiety of aging is very real. At over 50 and will a significant health scare behind me, and recognizing I prob only have 25-30 years ahead of me, and what that will look like, has started causing me a lot of anxiety (that I've never had before). I cannot imagine what it may be like for some elderly, esp if they are ill, lack finances, lack support.

One day many of you will be in the position of those you are complaining about. But remember, they were once teens, ballerinas, football players, nurses, mothers, sons and daughters. They were you. You're going to want compassion and empathy when the time comes.


Nope. I took on this way of thinking of having endless empathy and it literally almost killed me. Some of us just have incredibly entitled parents who didn't do much for their own, but want to age in place with us at their beckon call while we balance families of our own and jobs. Oh and yes, they get super-anxious because they deep down know they are asking 100x more of than they did for their own parents even if they try to re-write history. It took my own serious health issue to finally prioritize my own health, my kids and my spouse. Mom barely talks to me now, but guess what? She finally accepted lots of hired help with all her $$$$ she tried to threaten me with.If they don't have tons of money, but are entitled and difficult, you find out what is offered through the council of aging. The people pleaser in me had to die, so I could literally still be alive. It's amazing how finally saying no over and over to my mother did more for my physical health than powerful medicines.

We gaslight women constantly when it comes to challenging elderly parents. The more manipulative people will say "I'm not telling you it's OK for them to take advantage/abuse/yell/demand, BUT......have some empathy/compassion/grace" You are trying to say be a good girl and just balance it all and when mommy screams just give her grace and know she is scared. If mommy calls you 20 times in a day, gently set boundaries with love over and over and when she doesn't accept them just know....your kids are watching/you will be old one day/God sees/just suck it up lady because society expects you to suck it up.

There are options for people at all income levels. They certainly can be far from ideal, but so is allowing an elder to take over your life. You figure out what you can handle based on your mental capacity and how they treat you and then you figure out what can be offered that does not involve you. You cannot force siblings to change their boundaries. You just figure out your own and you ignore all the noise of people trying to guilt/shame/manipulate/gaslight you into taking on too much until you crack and finally realize they don't care about you.


I'm sorry but your word salad is showing you have some other issues going on. That have nothing to do with the PP. The bolded, specifically, is not remotely what was said.

I hope you don't reflect on this post in 40 years and remember how lacking in empathy you are. How judgmental. How much you will need someone when anxiety sets in. And frankly, from your post, it seems like YOU contributed to your own misery by not setting boundaries earlier. Which . . . . fine. But you being a pleaser and being at your parents' beck and call is your issue and not at all what the PP said (which is to set boundaries and not tolerate rudeness) while showing some empathy to the anxiety.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I mean, they kinda are competition for your time. I don't think you have to put up with rude behavior or give your parent what they want. But there's only so many hours in the day.

I think a lot of aging parents feel anxiety that their future needs will be more than their support people can willingly handle.


This. And I wish people generally would show more grace on this.

You do not need to tolerate rudeness or let the parents have what they want if you cannot or don't want to do so, or just can't do so. But, the anxiety of aging is very real. At over 50 and will a significant health scare behind me, and recognizing I prob only have 25-30 years ahead of me, and what that will look like, has started causing me a lot of anxiety (that I've never had before). I cannot imagine what it may be like for some elderly, esp if they are ill, lack finances, lack support.

One day many of you will be in the position of those you are complaining about. But remember, they were once teens, ballerinas, football players, nurses, mothers, sons and daughters. They were you. You're going to want compassion and empathy when the time comes.


Nope. I took on this way of thinking of having endless empathy and it literally almost killed me. Some of us just have incredibly entitled parents who didn't do much for their own, but want to age in place with us at their beckon call while we balance families of our own and jobs. Oh and yes, they get super-anxious because they deep down know they are asking 100x more of than they did for their own parents even if they try to re-write history. It took my own serious health issue to finally prioritize my own health, my kids and my spouse. Mom barely talks to me now, but guess what? She finally accepted lots of hired help with all her $$$$ she tried to threaten me with.If they don't have tons of money, but are entitled and difficult, you find out what is offered through the council of aging. The people pleaser in me had to die, so I could literally still be alive. It's amazing how finally saying no over and over to my mother did more for my physical health than powerful medicines.

We gaslight women constantly when it comes to challenging elderly parents. The more manipulative people will say "I'm not telling you it's OK for them to take advantage/abuse/yell/demand, BUT......have some empathy/compassion/grace" You are trying to say be a good girl and just balance it all and when mommy screams just give her grace and know she is scared. If mommy calls you 20 times in a day, gently set boundaries with love over and over and when she doesn't accept them just know....your kids are watching/you will be old one day/God sees/just suck it up lady because society expects you to suck it up.

There are options for people at all income levels. They certainly can be far from ideal, but so is allowing an elder to take over your life. You figure out what you can handle based on your mental capacity and how they treat you and then you figure out what can be offered that does not involve you. You cannot force siblings to change their boundaries. You just figure out your own and you ignore all the noise of people trying to guilt/shame/manipulate/gaslight you into taking on too much until you crack and finally realize they don't care about you.


To add - this is not the experience in my family or my DH's at all.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My mother is similar. Comes to visit and wants to do shopping and lunches. Makes constant comments about how miserable I must be with the “crazy schedule” I have of kid activities. (Each kid does one extracurricular -neither of which is excessive.)
She’s not interested in spending much time with my kids aside from getting the obligatory cute grandkids pictures to share with her friend group.
I look at other people whose parents are involved and engaged grandparents and I just feel sad. I would have so much more time for her if she spent it with my family and my kids. We used to be so close but it’s hard to have a deep relationship with someone who isn’t interested in my kids at all or who subtly implies she resents them. I chalk it up to being a selfish boomer. Which is probably unfair.


This issue can go both ways. My MIl and SIL do not live locally but are very engaged and want to spend more time with our family and kids than we can handle. The expectations are exhausting. If we say no, we get guilt and the assumption we must not love or care about them. They have come up with ideals for how they want to spend their time with our kids and we are expected to deliver. It often becomes a dispute because we are not prioritizing their wants and emotional needs over our own. It’s hard to find balance.


Oh, how tragic for you to have involved families that want to help care for or be there for your kids. God, do you hear yourself?


That isn't what the post you quoted said.


Yes it did. Said they are very engaged.

“are very engaged and want to spend more time with our family and kids.”


But that isn't what YOU said. "want to help care for or be there for your kids." PP that you quoted did not say that. She said that the family has "ideals for how they want to spend their time with our kids and we are expected to deliver." Pp's family does not want to "help care for" the kids. They want to have interactions that only benefit them.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My mother is similar. Comes to visit and wants to do shopping and lunches. Makes constant comments about how miserable I must be with the “crazy schedule” I have of kid activities. (Each kid does one extracurricular -neither of which is excessive.)
She’s not interested in spending much time with my kids aside from getting the obligatory cute grandkids pictures to share with her friend group.
I look at other people whose parents are involved and engaged grandparents and I just feel sad. I would have so much more time for her if she spent it with my family and my kids. We used to be so close but it’s hard to have a deep relationship with someone who isn’t interested in my kids at all or who subtly implies she resents them. I chalk it up to being a selfish boomer. Which is probably unfair.


This issue can go both ways. My MIl and SIL do not live locally but are very engaged and want to spend more time with our family and kids than we can handle. The expectations are exhausting. If we say no, we get guilt and the assumption we must not love or care about them. They have come up with ideals for how they want to spend their time with our kids and we are expected to deliver. It often becomes a dispute because we are not prioritizing their wants and emotional needs over our own. It’s hard to find balance.


Oh, how tragic for you to have involved families that want to help care for or be there for your kids. God, do you hear yourself?


That isn't what the post you quoted said.


Yes it did. Said they are very engaged.

“are very engaged and want to spend more time with our family and kids.”


But that isn't what YOU said. "want to help care for or be there for your kids." PP that you quoted did not say that. She said that the family has "ideals for how they want to spend their time with our kids and we are expected to deliver." Pp's family does not want to "help care for" the kids. They want to have interactions that only benefit them.


Sorry not obliging this level of pedantic. You ignored the rest of what op said and that is a distinction wo much of a difference. But you want to parse it to the most literal, have at it.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:

I think a lot of aging parents feel anxiety that their future needs will be more than their support people can willingly handle.


This. And I wish people generally would show more grace on this.

You do not need to tolerate rudeness or let the parents have what they want if you cannot or don't want to do so, or just can't do so. But, the anxiety of aging is very real. At over 50 and will a significant health scare behind me, and recognizing I prob only have 25-30 years ahead of me, and what that will look like, has started causing me a lot of anxiety (that I've never had before). I cannot imagine what it may be like for some elderly, esp if they are ill, lack finances, lack support.

One day many of you will be in the position of those you are complaining about. But remember, they were once teens, ballerinas, football players, nurses, mothers, sons and daughters. They were you. You're going to want compassion and empathy when the time comes.

I'm going to be very blunt. I'm also over 50. The society up to now has always lived for the young and what's going on with currently elderly generation is anomaly. Our job is literally to raise our offspring to independence and after that, you know what, we don't matter any more. Just like any other living creature on Earth. There is no need to be anxious because you no longer matter. Nobody will care that you were once important, perhaps a politician, a scientist, wrote books, did presentations. None of this matters. I'm not afraid to age at all. My job is almost done, but I still have teens. If I die tomorrow, I know they'll manage. I'm actually finally at peace as was anxious about dying when my kids where younger. I was worried about how they'd survive. Your priorities are all wrong, you care about yourself, not about your offspring. I no longer pick up my phone because of my mother's anxiety. She cannot understand that getting old and dying is normal part of life, not some kind of tragedy that we all need to dance around.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I mean, they kinda are competition for your time. I don't think you have to put up with rude behavior or give your parent what they want. But there's only so many hours in the day.

I think a lot of aging parents feel anxiety that their future needs will be more than their support people can willingly handle.


This. And I wish people generally would show more grace on this.

You do not need to tolerate rudeness or let the parents have what they want if you cannot or don't want to do so, or just can't do so. But, the anxiety of aging is very real. At over 50 and will a significant health scare behind me, and recognizing I prob only have 25-30 years ahead of me, and what that will look like, has started causing me a lot of anxiety (that I've never had before). I cannot imagine what it may be like for some elderly, esp if they are ill, lack finances, lack support.

One day many of you will be in the position of those you are complaining about. But remember, they were once teens, ballerinas, football players, nurses, mothers, sons and daughters. They were you. You're going to want compassion and empathy when the time comes.


I'm going to be very blunt. I'm also over 50. The society up to now has always lived for the young and what's going on with currently elderly generation is anomaly. Our job is literally to raise our offspring to independence and after that, you know what, we don't matter any more. Just like any other living creature on Earth. There is no need to be anxious because you no longer matter. Nobody will care that you were once important, perhaps a politician, a scientist, wrote books, did presentations. None of this matters. I'm not afraid to age at all. My job is almost done, but I still have teens. If I die tomorrow, I know they'll manage. I'm actually finally at peace as was anxious about dying when my kids where younger. I was worried about how they'd survive. Your priorities are all wrong, you care about yourself, not about your offspring. I no longer pick up my phone because of my mother's anxiety. She cannot understand that getting old and dying is normal part of life, not some kind of tragedy that we all need to dance around.

P.S. Quotes went wrong.
Anonymous
I think my elderly parents see me as competition for their grandchildren’s time.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I mean, they kinda are competition for your time. I don't think you have to put up with rude behavior or give your parent what they want. But there's only so many hours in the day.

I think a lot of aging parents feel anxiety that their future needs will be more than their support people can willingly handle.


This. And I wish people generally would show more grace on this.

You do not need to tolerate rudeness or let the parents have what they want if you cannot or don't want to do so, or just can't do so. But, the anxiety of aging is very real. At over 50 and will a significant health scare behind me, and recognizing I prob only have 25-30 years ahead of me, and what that will look like, has started causing me a lot of anxiety (that I've never had before). I cannot imagine what it may be like for some elderly, esp if they are ill, lack finances, lack support.

One day many of you will be in the position of those you are complaining about. But remember, they were once teens, ballerinas, football players, nurses, mothers, sons and daughters. They were you. You're going to want compassion and empathy when the time comes.


Nope. I took on this way of thinking of having endless empathy and it literally almost killed me. Some of us just have incredibly entitled parents who didn't do much for their own, but want to age in place with us at their beckon call while we balance families of our own and jobs. Oh and yes, they get super-anxious because they deep down know they are asking 100x more of than they did for their own parents even if they try to re-write history. It took my own serious health issue to finally prioritize my own health, my kids and my spouse. Mom barely talks to me now, but guess what? She finally accepted lots of hired help with all her $$$$ she tried to threaten me with.If they don't have tons of money, but are entitled and difficult, you find out what is offered through the council of aging. The people pleaser in me had to die, so I could literally still be alive. It's amazing how finally saying no over and over to my mother did more for my physical health than powerful medicines.

We gaslight women constantly when it comes to challenging elderly parents. The more manipulative people will say "I'm not telling you it's OK for them to take advantage/abuse/yell/demand, BUT......have some empathy/compassion/grace" You are trying to say be a good girl and just balance it all and when mommy screams just give her grace and know she is scared. If mommy calls you 20 times in a day, gently set boundaries with love over and over and when she doesn't accept them just know....your kids are watching/you will be old one day/God sees/just suck it up lady because society expects you to suck it up.

There are options for people at all income levels. They certainly can be far from ideal, but so is allowing an elder to take over your life. You figure out what you can handle based on your mental capacity and how they treat you and then you figure out what can be offered that does not involve you. You cannot force siblings to change their boundaries. You just figure out your own and you ignore all the noise of people trying to guilt/shame/manipulate/gaslight you into taking on too much until you crack and finally realize they don't care about you.



💯 this. I for one will plan my life better. Not scaring and watch ncis reruns in my 60s assuming that my kids are just going to take care of all the logistics. Or bit their heads off and give them the silent treatment when they try to have future planning conversations. If you want respect be respectful of peoples time and stop trying to ruin your grandkids family life by expecting Everyone to cater to you. My mom literally started a verbal fight with the lawn service workers that we set up for her. Ridiculous
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