Aging parents v young children

[Anonymous]

One of my parents is demanding, and I feel like they view my kids (their grandkids) as competition for my time, attention, and resources. Although aging, this parent is still healthy, active, and competent, so I can't prioritize them over my young children. Is anyone else dealing with something like this?

[Anonymous]

I mean, they kinda are competition for your time. I don't think you have to put up with rude behavior or give your parent what they want. But there's only so many hours in the day.

I think a lot of aging parents feel anxiety that their future needs will be more than their support people can willingly handle.

[Anonymous]

My parents are pretty low key and not demanding, but we’re not close, they were very hands off parents and would be considered borderline negligent these days but that was more normal in the 80s. Like l had to buy my own basic clothes and shoes starting at about 13. They weren’t poor but they treated me like they were. If they became demanding now I’d be like you reap what you sow.

[Anonymous]

My mother is similar. Comes to visit and wants to do shopping and lunches. Makes constant comments about how miserable I must be with the “crazy schedule” I have of kid activities. (Each kid does one extracurricular -neither of which is excessive.)
She’s not interested in spending much time with my kids aside from getting the obligatory cute grandkids pictures to share with her friend group.
I look at other people whose parents are involved and engaged grandparents and I just feel sad. I would have so much more time for her if she spent it with my family and my kids. We used to be so close but it’s hard to have a deep relationship with someone who isn’t interested in my kids at all or who subtly implies she resents them. I chalk it up to being a selfish boomer. Which is probably unfair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, they kinda are competition for your time. I don't think you have to put up with rude behavior or give your parent what they want. But there's only so many hours in the day.

I think a lot of aging parents feel anxiety that their future needs will be more than their support people can willingly handle.

Yeah. They want to “age in place” with you taking care of them.
My parents put their aging parents in nursing homes and are now terrified the same thing will happen to them.

[Anonymous]

Once you become an adult and have kids, you are a parent before you are a son or daughter. It's not either or, but you kids come first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once you become an adult and have kids, you are a parent before you are a son or daughter. It's not either or, but you kids come first.

100%

[Anonymous]

When I was really in the weeds of sandwich care (aging/ill parents and little kids) I had someone say that when in doubt you prioritize the younger generation.

I think there was more to it than that, but the essence of that stayed with me.

[Anonymous]

All of the above. I also have my own health—major health issues in my 30s that my parents seem to think are fine since I’m not old like them. It’s like triple sandwich generation

[Anonymous]

the older generation often made a lot of mistakes, at least in my case. As a senior in HS, I told my parents to sell our townhome and move to a cheaper area and a smaller apartment. they refused. every bit of advice--refused. now my mom is in a nursing home and I have to clean up their house that is in a reverse mortgage. fun times

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:the older generation often made a lot of mistakes, at least in my case. As a senior in HS, I told my parents to sell our townhome and move to a cheaper area and a smaller apartment. they refused. every bit of advice--refused. now my mom is in a nursing home and I have to clean up their house that is in a reverse mortgage. fun times

oh and my kid was just diagnosed with autism and my siblings are nowhere to be found bc "they have their own issues".

[Anonymous]

One of the issues with aging parents and it some of them will start to play the 'I'm elderly and my needs should come first' card at a very early age, like 60, and then proceed to live for another 35 years. That's a long time to get to go to the front of the line and have your needs come first.
I literally remember being pregnant with my second child and my parents coming to visit and my mother making a big deal about how my father had to have tomatoes with dinner every night because of his issues with his prostate and my second child is now almost 30 and somehow or other their needs are still front and center. That's an awfully long time to get to be the center of attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother is similar. Comes to visit and wants to do shopping and lunches. Makes constant comments about how miserable I must be with the “crazy schedule” I have of kid activities. (Each kid does one extracurricular -neither of which is excessive.)
She’s not interested in spending much time with my kids aside from getting the obligatory cute grandkids pictures to share with her friend group.
I look at other people whose parents are involved and engaged grandparents and I just feel sad. I would have so much more time for her if she spent it with my family and my kids. We used to be so close but it’s hard to have a deep relationship with someone who isn’t interested in my kids at all or who subtly implies she resents them. I chalk it up to being a selfish boomer. Which is probably unfair.

This issue can go both ways. My MIl and SIL do not live locally but are very engaged and want to spend more time with our family and kids than we can handle. The expectations are exhausting. If we say no, we get guilt and the assumption we must not love or care about them. They have come up with ideals for how they want to spend their time with our kids and we are expected to deliver. It often becomes a dispute because we are not prioritizing their wants and emotional needs over our own. It’s hard to find balance.

[Anonymous]

my mom literally stopped speaking to me for four months (after we became parents to a newborn). I think she couldn't handle the perceived threat of a chlld taking our attention away from her. the thing is, if she was just a normal person, there was plenty of love to give but now my daughter can't stand her because my mom can't be an adult in her very old age

[Anonymous]

I feel deeply the OP's point about grandparents feeling DC are taking away from attention to them. I've suspected that my family of origin has been waiting until DC are grown and gone so that I can be free to cater to them. They'll find out that when DC are grown and gone, DH and I are serious about picking up and moving because otherwise we'll get trapped giving the next 15-20 years of our lives fighting with people who only see us as the cheaper, easier alternative to hired help.