21-year-old not home or answering calls or texts...what would you do?

[Anonymous]

When the kid does come home, I would not let him know that you were up all night worrying.

When they get their own place, you won’t know what time they come in.

You don’t want to drive your kid away.

This is probably easy for me to say, because my 22 year-old still shares his location and access to his former youth checking account

[Anonymous]

NEWSFLASH:
HE IS NOT A CHILD ANYMORE!!

[Anonymous]

The thing is, yes, he is not a child, but it is common decency to let people you live with know your whereabouts. "Mom, I am going out, will likely spend the night at Joe's place.

"Daughter, I will be home late, I am having dinner with my coworkers."
"Wife, don't worry if I am late; you know how my dad is when he needs something; he ends up talking till midnight."
I had this talk with my young adult kids who were living in the same house, but we were not in that house.
Son, you let your sister know if you are going somewhere because it is human nature to worry and to care.
Do all of you just leave for the night and not let your spouse know? I bet you don't because you are not rude douchebags and follow the social convention of letting people know. You don't need to let your mom know who lived two states away or even a house away, but you let the people you live with know.
It's called manners!

[Anonymous]

Next time you just need to set expectations with one another. Like if you plan to stay at a friends house to send you a quick text so you won’t worry. But also, you can’t be sending him texts throughout the night while he’s trying to enjoy himself with his friends – at 21 mom need to release reigns.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the replies, all. Believe me, I know he's an adult. As I said, I never did the phone tracking. He's away at college all year and I am aware it's none of my business how late he stays out, who he's with, etc. And I would never dare ask. But when someone is at your home, whether it's an adult kid, spouse, a relative staying with me, anybody, who said they'd be sleeping at my house then didn't show up, I'd be worried. Particularly in this city these days (and I have lived here for 25 years and didn't used to feel this way). I sent him a couple of texts saying I just wanted to make sure all was well, since he didn't come back to the house, as he said he would. When an hour went by unanswered, I just panicked. That one reply here he was probably sleeping it off and to go back to sleep shut the stupid panic down, and I went back to sleep. I just needed someone to say, calm the f down in the moment. So I greatly appreciate it! He texted at 5:30 and said, "sorry, I fell asleep. My bad."

[Anonymous]

Glad he is ok

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Next time you just need to set expectations with one another. Like if you plan to stay at a friends house to send you a quick text so you won’t worry. But also, you can’t be sending him texts throughout the night while he’s trying to enjoy himself with his friends – at 21 mom need to release reigns.

We do have those expectations and he's usually so good at letting me know if he's staying somewhere else, just out of courtesy. I had a really busy week and was exhausted, went to bed at 9:30, assuming I would just see him in the morning. I happened to wake up at 3 and see he wasn't home. 3 is really pretty late, so I sent a text that said basically I know it's annoying, but just want to make sure you're alive--hope you are having fun. That was it. 30 minutes went by without a reply, so my mind went into panic for some reason. But, no, it was not throughout the night. I would never do that. Believe me, I get it!

[Anonymous]

Doesn’t everyone spend the night out on their 21st birthday sleeping it off with friends instead of your parents? I’d be worried if my kid didn’t do that.

[Anonymous]

I sympathize with you OP. Even when they’re grown there are still times you worry about your kids. Glad everything is ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The thing is, yes, he is not a child, but it is common decency to let people you live with know your whereabouts. "Mom, I am going out, will likely spend the night at Joe's place.

"Daughter, I will be home late, I am having dinner with my coworkers."
"Wife, don't worry if I am late; you know how my dad is when he needs something; he ends up talking till midnight."
I had this talk with my young adult kids who were living in the same house, but we were not in that house.
Son, you let your sister know if you are going somewhere because it is human nature to worry and to care.
Do all of you just leave for the night and not let your spouse know? I bet you don't because you are not rude douchebags and follow the social convention of letting people know. You don't need to let your mom know who lived two states away or even a house away, but you let the people you live with know.
It's called manners!

Sure, but he slowly got drunk throughout the night and didn't realize how drunk he was until he was WAAAAAY drunk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Doesn’t everyone spend the night out on their 21st birthday sleeping it off with friends instead of your parents? I’d be worried if my kid didn’t do that.

And that would have been terrific, but he was very clear he planned to come home (we live close in DC, getting back home to our house from any number of places he was going is super easy). I wish I hadn't panicked, though, truly. It's why I wrote at 4 am looking for some common sense.

[Anonymous]

So he’s wasted banging some chick at 3 am and he gets a text from his mommy….

Talk about way to kill the mood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Doesn’t everyone spend the night out on their 21st birthday sleeping it off with friends instead of your parents? I’d be worried if my kid didn’t do that.

This. OP are you usually an anxious person?

[Anonymous]

Glad he is ok. Parenting is tough. In many respects the older they get the more you worry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So he’s wasted banging some chick at 3 am and he gets a text from his mommy….

Talk about way to kill the mood.

But imagine if he had just sent a text saying, gonna stay out tonight after all. Then the mood would not have been killed. It's just common courtesy to let people whose roof you live under know that you are staying out.