How often do you visit grandparents if you live a long flight away?

[Anonymous]

OP, you can set boundaries with your mom.

If she books a trip here for a time when you have stuff going on, tell her that you're busy XYZ but can see them ABC. When she tells you that you have to come visit, tell her that you don't know if it'll work this summer to come out for a week, but that you and the kids can come for a long weekend. Do not make your husband go. It'll be easier for you to go for a week by yourself than to take him for 3-4 days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see why they can’t meet you somewhere? Is it a money issue? Could you rent cabins or offer to help pay?

OP here. It’s not a money issue. It’s a “you and DH had some nerve moving out of state” issue.

I would say mom our family wants to use our very limited vacation time to visit all the cool places we’d each like to see. We’d love for you to join us whenever is convenient for you, and of course we appreciate having you here on your monthly visits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and moved across the country with our DDs several years ago, hours away by plane from where my parents live. We really don’t go back often because my parents are difficult people to be around, their house is uncomfortable, the town is painfully dull, and while I can tolerate it for a few days, he absolutely can’t stand it. He more or less refuses to go back there. I don’t want to go, but I try to go once a year to appease my parents. He comes along but this year he’s adamant that he’s doesn’t want to go. I don’t think he’s being totally unreasonable because I get it, it’s a boring town and my parents are not a joy to be around. That said, they visit us three or four times a year which is more than enough. Things would be easier if they retired someplace more enjoyable, but they’re still in the same house where they raised me and my siblings decades ago.

Is there any way to work this out? My mother is now trying to “force” us verbally to visit them this summer. I thought I’d give DH and myself a break and yeah, we’ve seen them three times so far this year. DH said he’s not spending (wasting) his time off sitting in their house eating Chinese food (which is what we always do). I frankly don’t want to, either and I really don’t want to when the scene plays out in my head, how they start on negative topics and make comments about our bad area.

But they’re my parents. FWIW I don’t enjoy visiting them. Yeah, they’re negative and depressing and live in the past. I’ve suggested short trips, but DH won’t budge and my Mom has a fit insisting we “must”
Stay a week. I wish they retired and found other ways to enjoy life but they live for my kids. They don’t have hobbies or other sources of joy. Can this be fixed? I’ve invited them to meet us at fun vacation spots but they’re not interested. The genus for listening.

I think you need to think hard about what kind of person would guilt you into trying to spend time with them... is it a person who you should be spending a lot of time trying to make happy?

Set some boundaries and ground rules—explain what your priorities are, and leave the door WIDE open for her to try and adjust herself to fit what's best for your family. If she wants to be part of your life, she has to be part of your life, not force you back into hers.

[Anonymous]

My spouse takes the children across the country to his parents once a year for spring break.

I take the children once a year to my parents for a week in the summer.

At this point it’s all we can do given vacation and other obligations.

If they (all long retired, shortest retirement being 10 years at this point) wish to visit us they are always welcome, but it rarely happens. We are bound by school breaks and PTO much to the chagrin of our parents despite their similar constraints 30 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Once a year per side, one week per side, we each take the kids separately to our long distance parents. If my husband came with me to mine as well as his own he’d have only 2 days of leave left for the entire year and if he doesn’t have to come to mine I’m not going to his.

[Anonymous]

We visit my ILs at their house every two or three years. We have a good relationship and they live in a city with things to do, but it is a long flight and it’s expensive for 5 of us to fly, plus rent a mini van, plus take vacation days. They come to us once or twice a year, which is much easier for them because they are both retired and are in good health. We also take a trip with them at least a year to a place we all want to visit - sometimes domestic, sometimes international. We also try to spend one holiday a year with them, but go to FIL’s brother house for a big family gathering, which is another long flight in the opposite direction. If we had unlimited time and money, I would have no problem going more often, but with limited school breaks for the kids and limited vacation budget, I just don’t want to keep going back to their city over and over.

If I were you, I would visit once every other at the absolute most, and limit the trip to 3 nights. Is there another city/town nearby you could spend a couple days in to make the flight worth it? Or just go for a short trip!

Your parents can’t force you to visit or stay a certain number of days. So they whine and yell and complain?? Who cares! Ignore! Just tell them you can come for X days in August, take it or leave it. And the next year, you don’t have the budget to take two family trips and you want to go to ABC place instead, they can come or not. DH doesn’t have to go every time either, as long as you can manage the kids on the plane, let him stay home.

They sound like miserable people and I would probably just stop going altogether.

[Anonymous]

Op, you going to them, once a year should be a minimum. Just you. Since they are seeing the children regularly I'd put the children in the same category as your husband - once every few years. His stay can be brief.

Once they are too old to travel you will need to be the one to make sure they see the grandchildren several times a year - you and the kids traveling TO them, whether you like it or not.

[Anonymous]

Your DH refuses to go because it's clear from your posting that you have not set or enforced boundaries with your parents. If they call you and tell you to visit this summer, you simply say "oof sorry that's not going to work for us this summer, but we'll see you when you visit in October" or whatever it is.

If that's going to set off the fury and wrath from your mother, you are many years over due for saying it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, you going to them, once a year should be a minimum. Just you. Since they are seeing the children regularly I'd put the children in the same category as your husband - once every few years. His stay can be brief.

Once they are too old to travel you will need to be the one to make sure they see the grandchildren several times a year - you and the kids traveling TO them, whether you like it or not.

But why though? It sounds like they were not particularly good parents to OP. Their visits aren’t enjoyable for anyone. Why should she be obligated to give them access to her kids several times a year when her parents get too old to travel?? I grew up across the country from my dad’s parents and only saw them a few times in my entire life. Neither were very present in my dad’s child hood - he was mostly raised by a slew of nannies. They were never nice to us the few times we made the trek, and my life wasn’t any worse off for not having a relationship with them.

I have a parent now who has a terminal illness and hasn’t been able to travel for many years. I do bring my kids to visit severe times a year, because my parents were wonderful to me, so great with my kids, and we all like spending time together. We visit because we want to, not out of a sense of obligation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see why they can’t meet you somewhere? Is it a money issue? Could you rent cabins or offer to help pay?

OP here. It’s not a money issue. It’s a “you and DH had some nerve moving out of state” issue.

Team DH. I wouldn’t go.

[Anonymous]

My parents hijack our spring break (we go to them) and one week of our summer (they come to us) every year. We are trying to break the cycle by doing a long weekend in the fall and a long weekend in the spring so that we can have our spring break to take a long vacation finally (because DH's family hijacks our Christmas).

[Anonymous]

Unless the parents have done something evil, every child should visit their parents and provide visits with grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless the parents have done something evil, every child should visit their parents and provide visits with grandchildren.

OP here. If we visited my parents several times a year, the plane tickets alone would’ve be at least $12k per year. Let’s face it, of that could send us to a nice beach resort we’d all enjoy.

[Anonymous]

We visit my in-laws on the other side of the globe 1x/year sometimes every other year. We usually stay for about a month. Downside is we burn a lot of vacation and negotiating a 16hr flight plus a 10+ hr time difference with a toddler is no joke, probably takes a week alone to adjust. But ultimately I don't ever regret making the trip and our kid gets exposure to different culture, plus meet tons of relatives.

Unfortunately grandparents are elderly so visits to us are no longer an option; otherwise we'd fly them out here as a much preferable alternative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless the parents have done something evil, every child should visit their parents and provide visits with grandchildren.

I don’t agree with this. No one owes anyone a relationship. It’s ok to not one bc for whatever reasons, it isn’t good for you.