How often do you visit grandparents if you live a long flight away?

[Anonymous]

DH and moved across the country with our DDs several years ago, hours away by plane from where my parents live. We really don’t go back often because my parents are difficult people to be around, their house is uncomfortable, the town is painfully dull, and while I can tolerate it for a few days, he absolutely can’t stand it. He more or less refuses to go back there. I don’t want to go, but I try to go once a year to appease my parents. He comes along but this year he’s adamant that he’s doesn’t want to go. I don’t think he’s being totally unreasonable because I get it, it’s a boring town and my parents are not a joy to be around. That said, they visit us three or four times a year which is more than enough. Things would be easier if they retired someplace more enjoyable, but they’re still in the same house where they raised me and my siblings decades ago.

Is there any way to work this out? My mother is now trying to “force” us verbally to visit them this summer. I thought I’d give DH and myself a break and yeah, we’ve seen them three times so far this year. DH said he’s not spending (wasting) his time off sitting in their house eating Chinese food (which is what we always do). I frankly don’t want to, either and I really don’t want to when the scene plays out in my head, how they start on negative topics and make comments about our bad area.

But they’re my parents. FWIW I don’t enjoy visiting them. Yeah, they’re negative and depressing and live in the past. I’ve suggested short trips, but DH won’t budge and my Mom has a fit insisting we “must”
Stay a week. I wish they retired and found other ways to enjoy life but they live for my kids. They don’t have hobbies or other sources of joy. Can this be fixed? I’ve invited them to meet us at fun vacation spots but they’re not interested. The genus for listening.

[Anonymous]

Your parents have already visited you 3x this year? Do you mean in 2024 so in just 6 months they e visited 3x already?! Or do you mean since June 2023 they’ve come 3x? How long do they stay when they visit you?

You need to limit all visits (their visits to you and your visits to them) to 4-5 ‘nights, max. My parents live a 3hr plane ride away too. They used to always stay a full week. They never asked, just booked tickets and told us. I finally had to tell them it has to be 4-5 nights at most going forward. It was hard for me to do and they weren’t happy but they have adhered to it and it honestly makes visits w them, which I used to absolutely dread, much better.

[Anonymous]

You should go, without DH if necessary, but fwiw he is being a whiny baby by refusing. You are making the trip for them and for your kids' relationship with them (and your own relationship with them), not to have an exciting vacation. Unless there's an actual problem, like they're rude, he should suck it up. Your parents are already doing more than half the traveling, and they want to see you and your kids in your childhood home.

That said, quarterly visits is a lot and vacation time is limited. I'd revisit the idea of a joint vacation, and use it to replace one of their visits to you (not replace your visit to them). If they can watch the kids while you and DH go somewhere, that's a possibility too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your parents have already visited you 3x this year? Do you mean in 2024 so in just 6 months they e visited 3x already?! Or do you mean since June 2023 they’ve come 3x? How long do they stay when they visit you?

You need to limit all visits (their visits to you and your visits to them) to 4-5 ‘nights, max. My parents live a 3hr plane ride away too. They used to always stay a full week. They never asked, just booked tickets and told us. I finally had to tell them it has to be 4-5 nights at most going forward. It was hard for me to do and they weren’t happy but they have adhered to it and it honestly makes visits w them, which I used to absolutely dread, much better.

OP here. Yes, 3x thus year so far. My mom declares they’re coming and they come for at least a week. They stay at a hotel but literally sit there all day until the kids are home from school or activities. They retired very well, big pensions, but do not want to
So much else but plan to see our kids. I tell my mom when to come but she does her own thing. For example, don’t come the week kids start school because things are crazy, but she makes reservations anyway.

[Anonymous]

Op again. To be honest, I really don’t d not have a childhood I look back on fondly. My parents yelled a lot in that house and yelled at me quite a bit. They were verbally abusive. My mom
Was a control freak and still is. So deep down, that’s one reason I don’t love going back. I don’t have any ties left there. If I didn’t have kids I’d hardly ever return, I probably would have taken a job that would have sent me across the world. As a kid I had wished we would have moved but my parents were never risk takers so they kept us there. I do understand my reluctance to go back. I try to separate it from my kids snd their whole grandparent experience but again, I don’t look back on it all fondly.

[Anonymous]

Hardly ever, maybe every other year.

We have 4 young kids so traveling to family can be a real pain. Fortunately grandparents have the means, free time, and desire to fly to visit us a few times a year.

[Anonymous]

I don’t see why they can’t meet you somewhere? Is it a money issue? Could you rent cabins or offer to help pay?

[Anonymous]

Once every few years.

It's a lot easier (and cheaper) for the one or two retired people to travel than it is for the family with young kids. So they come to us pretty regularly. As long as we see each other a couple times a year, nobody really cares whether it's at our house or theirs.

[Anonymous]

We have a great relationship and they live in a fun city with tons to do -so we go 3-5 times a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your parents have already visited you 3x this year? Do you mean in 2024 so in just 6 months they e visited 3x already?! Or do you mean since June 2023 they’ve come 3x? How long do they stay when they visit you?

You need to limit all visits (their visits to you and your visits to them) to 4-5 ‘nights, max. My parents live a 3hr plane ride away too. They used to always stay a full week. They never asked, just booked tickets and told us. I finally had to tell them it has to be 4-5 nights at most going forward. It was hard for me to do and they weren’t happy but they have adhered to it and it honestly makes visits w them, which I used to absolutely dread, much better.

OP here. Yes, 3x thus year so far. My mom declares they’re coming and they come for at least a week. They stay at a hotel but literally sit there all day until the kids are home from school or activities. They retired very well, big pensions, but do not want to
So much else but plan to see our kids. I tell my mom when to come but she does her own thing. For example, don’t come the week kids start school because things are crazy, but she makes reservations anyway.

Pp here. Ok this is totally different then. My parents stay w us. If my parents got a hotel, I’d not be able to dictate how long they stay either. But I would only entertain them/hang out w them for a certain number of consecutive days/nights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see why they can’t meet you somewhere? Is it a money issue? Could you rent cabins or offer to help pay?

OP here. It’s not a money issue. It’s a “you and DH had some nerve moving out of state” issue.

[Anonymous]

One set: One week there, one week beach trip together, they come here for a long weekend or to watch the kids if we both have travel.

Other set: 3 weeks at our house, spouse visits them one week, every other year we all go there 5-7 days pls a few days staying in a side city exploring.

[Anonymous]

Is that the kids are older sitting in the middle of nowhere at the grandparents house isn’t so appealing. Nor is blowing a ton of vacation days at work.

[Anonymous]

When our kids were young and we lived across the country from both sets of parents we’d visit them once a year. It was so nice when we moved to the Midwest and could visit them twice a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see why they can’t meet you somewhere? Is it a money issue? Could you rent cabins or offer to help pay?

OP here. It’s not a money issue. It’s a “you and DH had some nerve moving out of state” issue.

I would completely disregard a statement like that. I ignore anything anyone says that's ridiculous. Visit however often you feel like being around them.