My SO is upset with me over the silliest/dumbest thing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My SO and I are long distance (for now) and she drove back home last night because she was starting her new job the next day. I helped her load up her car, kissed her, then said, “good luck tomorrow. Let me know how it goes”. Now she and her team got laid off about a year ago, and although she worked on short stint contracts this is the first FTE she’s had since so I knew she’s was anxious. Anyways, I just went about my day and didn’t contact her because I knew she was working. She called me an hour ago and asked why I didn’t contact her and ask her how things went or wish her good luck. I told her because I just said that to her the day before. She looked both kind of annoyed and disappointed (we were on FaceTime).

Am I missing something here?

Did she lead with that? Or was it a normal call, she talked about her day, and then casually asked why you didn’t contact her later in the conversation? If that was the first thing she said on the call, she’s definitely koo koo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are missing the chance to offer a repair. When there's a fracture even a small little fair one like this, if the relationship is valuable to you, offer up the repair!

This. It’s that simple. Rather than defending yourself, just say something along the lines of, oh, I’ve been thinking about you all day and didn’t want to bother you so was waiting for you to call, how did it go? It’s nit rocket science.

Anonymous wrote:Dump her. She is needy.

Agree with both of these. If it's not her norm to expect you to read her mind and pout let it go and go with response one.

If this is the norm for her well you should take it as a warning that this is how she is and is not likely to change, so at another point you with need to seriously work on communication possibly in therapy or let her go.

She usually tells me. For example, a few days ago she mentioned to me that she hadn’t gotten flowers in a long time and that it would be nice (a year ago for her birthday). I responded to her that I’ve gotten flowers for her more than any other girl I’ve dated. She had that same annoyed and disappointed look again. In response she said, “well I’m your first serious girlfriend so you never got the other ones flowers”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are missing the chance to offer a repair. When there's a fracture even a small little fair one like this, if the relationship is valuable to you, offer up the repair!

This. It’s that simple. Rather than defending yourself, just say something along the lines of, oh, I’ve been thinking about you all day and didn’t want to bother you so was waiting for you to call, how did it go? It’s nit rocket science.

THIS

I understand it sounds like she's saying you did something wrong, but acting defensively in response is the worst thing you can do. She wanted something that you didn't give her. It's not that you were wrong in how you felt, but she's telling you she wanted something else, so just say you're sorry and move on.

In my mind, being defensive instead of sympathetic or even apologetic is the number one reason little things turn into big things.

[Anonymous]

Avoid drama people. They are toxic and will never change. The whole BS about spouses suppose to know what the other person is thinking is stupid. It's just a reason for being upset and starting drama over - literally - nothing. Feed back for OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Avoid drama people. They are toxic and will never change. The whole BS about spouses suppose to know what the other person is thinking is stupid. It's just a reason for being upset and starting drama over - literally - nothing. Feed back for OP.

Please read his update. It seems like he consistently misses her needs when she tells him exactly what she needs and his response is to dismiss it. OP needs a lesson on being a partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are missing the chance to offer a repair. When there's a fracture even a small little fair one like this, if the relationship is valuable to you, offer up the repair!

This. It’s that simple. Rather than defending yourself, just say something along the lines of, oh, I’ve been thinking about you all day and didn’t want to bother you so was waiting for you to call, how did it go? It’s nit rocket science.

Anonymous wrote:Dump her. She is needy.

Agree with both of these. If it's not her norm to expect you to read her mind and pout let it go and go with response one.

If this is the norm for her well you should take it as a warning that this is how she is and is not likely to change, so at another point you with need to seriously work on communication possibly in therapy or let her go.

She usually tells me. For example, a few days ago she mentioned to me that she hadn’t gotten flowers in a long time and that it would be nice (a year ago for her birthday). I responded to her that I’ve gotten flowers for her more than any other girl I’ve dated. She had that same annoyed and disappointed look again. In response she said, “well I’m your first serious girlfriend so you never got the other ones flowers”.

Dump her. She sounds ridiculous and high maintenance. Definitely don’t marry her or she will make your life hellish with these kinds of stupid “failures” on your part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Avoid drama people. They are toxic and will never change. The whole BS about spouses suppose to know what the other person is thinking is stupid. It's just a reason for being upset and starting drama over - literally - nothing. Feed back for OP.

Please read his update. It seems like he consistently misses her needs when she tells him exactly what she needs and his response is to dismiss it. OP needs a lesson on being a partner.

I did indeed read the update. Still believe that the GF is quite needy and seems prone to creating drama.

[Anonymous]

You guys are just not suited for each other. She has certain expectations that you're not meeting, and your response to the flower thing was so pathetic. Seriously, she tells you a need (more flowers would be nice, especially since it's been a whole year), and your response is that oh this is the most I've ever done?! Good luck in your dating life.

[Anonymous]

It's not the silliest thing to her. If you want to stay in this relationship, just know next time she has a big first day of school kind of thing that she wants you to check in.

It's really not that hard.

My husband had to learn this, too. I was giving a presentation at a big conference a couple of years ago and he didn't text me that morning to say good luck - or check in later to see how it went. He told me he had no idea I'd want that. Now he knows and when I'm presenting at a conference he just texts me to say good luck.

People have to learn what matters to each other. That's being in a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You guys are just not suited for each other. She has certain expectations that you're not meeting, and your response to the flower thing was so pathetic. Seriously, she tells you a need (more flowers would be nice, especially since it's been a whole year), and your response is that oh this is the most I've ever done?! Good luck in your dating life.

This.

She’s communicating to you her reasonable needs, which any good partner should do, and instead of “okay babe I’ll start getting you more flowers” you dismiss her, which it seems like a pattern for you. You’re going to have a terrible dating life if you keep this up

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure you guys are a good match. If you want it to work you guys are going to have to improve communication big time.

You seem to be very defensive in all your responses to her but it also seems like she presents things in a whiny or accusatory manner like she's secretly testing you.

It's not a good dynamic you have.


Boons YouTube a workshop on how to communicate with each other

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not the silliest thing to her. If you want to stay in this relationship, just know next time she has a big first day of school kind of thing that she wants you to check in.

It's really not that hard.

My husband had to learn this, too. I was giving a presentation at a big conference a couple of years ago and he didn't text me that morning to say good luck - or check in later to see how it went. He told me he had no idea I'd want that. Now he knows and when I'm presenting at a conference he just texts me to say good luck.

People have to learn what matters to each other. That's being in a relationship.

Right but the key is you have to communicate don't create an expectation in your head and then get huffy when that person doesn't read your mind

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My SO and I are long distance (for now) and she drove back home last night because she was starting her new job the next day. I helped her load up her car, kissed her, then said, “good luck tomorrow. Let me know how it goes”. Now she and her team got laid off about a year ago, and although she worked on short stint contracts this is the first FTE she’s had since so I knew she’s was anxious. Anyways, I just went about my day and didn’t contact her because I knew she was working. She called me an hour ago and asked why I didn’t contact her and ask her how things went or wish her good luck. I told her because I just said that to her the day before. She looked both kind of annoyed and disappointed (we were on FaceTime).

Am I missing something here?

As always, this is about communication. It NEVER hurts to ask "How do you want me to handle this?" ... You've probably experienced this before (e.g. SO comes home from work and spews a lot of complaints. Does your SO just want to vent, or do they want advice? did you ask? Did you guess? did you do the right thing?)

So ask. Do they want to talk to you at breakfast before work? Or a check-in at lunch? or maybe after the day is over. NEVER assume you know what they want. This goes for men and women both.

And now that you guys are long distance this is DOUBLEY important. Check in, ask what your SO wants, and then give it to them. That simple. Don't assume that what you'd want (not being bothered) is what they want.

So sit down on FT tonight and have a conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are missing the chance to offer a repair. When there's a fracture even a small little fair one like this, if the relationship is valuable to you, offer up the repair!

This. It’s that simple. Rather than defending yourself, just say something along the lines of, oh, I’ve been thinking about you all day and didn’t want to bother you so was waiting for you to call, how did it go? It’s nit rocket science.

Anonymous wrote:Dump her. She is needy.

Agree with both of these. If it's not her norm to expect you to read her mind and pout let it go and go with response one.

If this is the norm for her well you should take it as a warning that this is how she is and is not likely to change, so at another point you with need to seriously work on communication possibly in therapy or let her go.

She usually tells me. For example, a few days ago she mentioned to me that she hadn’t gotten flowers in a long time and that it would be nice (a year ago for her birthday). I responded to her that I’ve gotten flowers for her more than any other girl I’ve dated. She had that same annoyed and disappointed look again. In response she said, “well I’m your first serious girlfriend so you never got the other ones flowers”.

Wow. You really don't know how to do this. She told you she wanted flowers and you basically dismissed her. Why did you do that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would’ve been nice of you to check in. My friend’s boyfriend sent her flowers the first day of her new job. She was so touched and the thoughtful and unexpected gesture.

We do things for people we care about. If you don’t get it, I feel bad for you.

My ex did this. He was also very insecure and wanted to make it known I was taken. Aside from that, it felt extremely unprofessional and not the first impression I wanted to make.

In my friend’s case, the flowers arrived at her house.

Just because your ex was a jerk who gave flowers, doesn’t meant every man who gives flowers is a jerk.