Struggle to succeed but not celebrated

[Anonymous]

Here are some points I've talked about with my kid:

-Yes, they are successful now, but that is often not how life works out. Anything can happen at any time, positive or negative, to anyone
-There will always be someone richer, better looking and more successful than you. And for others, you will be that person. Try your best to live a good life with what you have.
-Once you land your first "real" job, no one cares about your GPA. They will look to see that you've completed some kind of education combined with relevant work experience, doesn't always need to be a fancy degree.
-You care and you have inner motivation, that will take you very far in life. You will know how to tackle a challenge and persevere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel the same way for my DD. She worked so hard to make honor roll and then overheard some other parents talking about how “you could sleep through your classes and still make honor roll in MCPS.” It hurts.

But it’s not hurtful unless it was said directly to your child. Reality is that there are many kids who can sleep through classes and make honor role. And there are many kids who give it their all and can’t make a grade above a D except in PE. I mean if this is going to hurt your child, imagine how mine, who barely D’d out of HS feels to hear your kid brag about making honor role.

You are way off base with this comment. First of all, it absolutely can be hurtful to my child if she overhears a thoughtless comment made by other parents. You think it isn't going to make her feel small and inadequate when she is told by her school that she accomplished something worthwhile and then other parents are rolling their eyes and scoffing at how meaningless it is?

And second, I never said my child bragged. We talk about these things at home, privately, and my DD was told at school that she made Honor Roll.

And I do think about how these things feel for all kids. I think about it all the time, because I have a child with special needs and most of her cohort also has special needs. It's a daily part of my life. And I work hard to celebrate all of the kids and never ever stick my foot in my mouth the way many parents gleefully do in our area.

[Anonymous]

I totally get where you’re coming from OP. My DD is also a freshman with ADHD and she busts her butt for B’s. She has some friends who do the bare minimum and pull much higher grades, and it really bums her out. I always try to reward her effort and remind her that some of the kids who don’t have to lift a finger get a rude awakening in college when they actually have to study and discover they don’t know how. But it’s hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I totally get where you’re coming from OP. My DD is also a freshman with ADHD and she busts her butt for B’s. She has some friends who do the bare minimum and pull much higher grades, and it really bums her out. I always try to reward her effort and remind her that some of the kids who don’t have to lift a finger get a rude awakening in college when they actually have to study and discover they don’t know how. But it’s hard.

You have to put down future versions of her friends to make her feel better?

How about using it as a teacheable moment that all people are different in their abilities and it's OK. Wishing calamity on more academically advanced kids is not OK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My nephew graduated this last weekend. School was easy for him. Never got a B in high school. He “took some honors classes and some AP classes but not too many because didn’t want to risk getting a “B.”” Didn’t have to study. Graduated with all the cords and everything.

He was rewarded by extended family throughout the years due good grades (lots of $).

Meanwhile my freshman with ADHD works really hard. Studies. Meets with tutors. Status after school for help with teachers. (Has IEP). He works hard for his “B” and “C”.

Never a word from family. Sometimes my dad will say - good improvement but won’t have him a $20 like he did for the other kid. He needs more reinforcement than anyone. Does not get rewarded at all. My family is well aware of his struggles.

I’m so sad that my kid isn’t recognized for his successes even if they aren’t “As”.

OP, this is value signaling in your family. All As is a highly prized thing, whereas "academics is not DC's forte" is not a value in your family. But spend a moment self reflecting - nephew getting money elicits knee jerk jealousy from you. Meaning you care about all these same tokens - As, money and wish you could have them for your child. Nobody prevents you from creating a different tradition in your family about valuing hard work. Or, you can give your child money, if that's very significant for you on the scale of rewards. You can't change your extended family's values though. And you don't need to diminish your nephew by negatively commenting on class selection.

[Anonymous]

I was the kid who got all As and took all the classes, while my older brother had ADHD and squeaked by with a 1.6 GPA in high school.

My parents did not go to my awards ceremonies. They did not look at my report cards. They did not offer me rewards. They did not notice that I got up at three in the morning to write papers. They did not care what classes I took. But they were constantly, constantly coaching my brother, encouraging him, bribing him, and trying to figure out ways to make it work.

The reason? I didn't need the attention, because school was easy for me. But it was not easy. I worked so. hard. I spent my teens doing backflips, trying to get parental attention. I ended up in a deep depression in my twenties which ruined my undergrad GPA and derailed me into shift work for a decade before I was able to go to grad school in my chosen field and develop a career.

Ahhh, childhood trauma! But all this is to say that your attitude about your nephew is as poisonous as your family's attitude about your own kid's successes. Celebrate excellence for both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally get where you’re coming from OP. My DD is also a freshman with ADHD and she busts her butt for B’s. She has some friends who do the bare minimum and pull much higher grades, and it really bums her out. I always try to reward her effort and remind her that some of the kids who don’t have to lift a finger get a rude awakening in college when they actually have to study and discover they don’t know how. But it’s hard.

You have to put down future versions of her friends to make her feel better?

How about using it as a teacheable moment that all people are different in their abilities and it's OK. Wishing calamity on more academically advanced kids is not OK.

Dude what? First of all, the fact that some of these kids can get high grades doing the bare minimum doesn’t make them more “academically advanced” than my kid, it means they don’t have a learning difference that makes things 100x harder. Second, I wasn’t wishing academic calamity on anyone. Reread, then take several seats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel the same way for my DD. She worked so hard to make honor roll and then overheard some other parents talking about how “you could sleep through your classes and still make honor roll in MCPS.” It hurts.

Yes. Totally understand. I am the OP and to hear that would really dishearten my son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel the same way for my DD. She worked so hard to make honor roll and then overheard some other parents talking about how “you could sleep through your classes and still make honor roll in MCPS.” It hurts.

But it’s not hurtful unless it was said directly to your child. Reality is that there are many kids who can sleep through classes and make honor role. And there are many kids who give it their all and can’t make a grade above a D except in PE. I mean if this is going to hurt your child, imagine how mine, who barely D’d out of HS feels to hear your kid brag about making honor role.

You are way off base with this comment. First of all, it absolutely can be hurtful to my child if she overhears a thoughtless comment made by other parents. You think it isn't going to make her feel small and inadequate when she is told by her school that she accomplished something worthwhile and then other parents are rolling their eyes and scoffing at how meaningless it is?

And second, I never said my child bragged. We talk about these things at home, privately, and my DD was told at school that she made Honor Roll.

And I do think about how these things feel for all kids. I think about it all the time, because I have a child with special needs and most of her cohort also has special needs. It's a daily part of my life. And I work hard to celebrate all of the kids and never ever stick my foot in my mouth the way many parents gleefully do in our area.

That is a ridiculous standard. No one should ever make a comment that could be overheard by someone who might be offended or hurt by it?! The comment wasn’t made to put anyone down and isn’t thoughtless. It’s a true statement for some. People really need to figure out how not to victimize themselves or their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel the same way for my DD. She worked so hard to make honor roll and then overheard some other parents talking about how “you could sleep through your classes and still make honor roll in MCPS.” It hurts.

But it’s not hurtful unless it was said directly to your child. Reality is that there are many kids who can sleep through classes and make honor role. And there are many kids who give it their all and can’t make a grade above a D except in PE. I mean if this is going to hurt your child, imagine how mine, who barely D’d out of HS feels to hear your kid brag about making honor role.

You are way off base with this comment. First of all, it absolutely can be hurtful to my child if she overhears a thoughtless comment made by other parents. You think it isn't going to make her feel small and inadequate when she is told by her school that she accomplished something worthwhile and then other parents are rolling their eyes and scoffing at how meaningless it is?

And second, I never said my child bragged. We talk about these things at home, privately, and my DD was told at school that she made Honor Roll.

And I do think about how these things feel for all kids. I think about it all the time, because I have a child with special needs and most of her cohort also has special needs. It's a daily part of my life. And I work hard to celebrate all of the kids and never ever stick my foot in my mouth the way many parents gleefully do in our area.

That is a ridiculous standard. No one should ever make a comment that could be overheard by someone who might be offended or hurt by it?! The comment wasn’t made to put anyone down and isn’t thoughtless. It’s a true statement for some. People really need to figure out how not to victimize themselves or their kids.

DP. Stop with the faux outrage and defense of the statement. It is not true that 'many' students sleep thru classes and make the honor role. The overheard comment was said to diminish the recognition of honor roll.

You do not get to tell someone how they feel when something is said within their hearing that diminishes or disparaged them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you seem jealous of your nephew and defensive for your own DC. Your nephew is family. You can celebrate him too. Graduating high school with all As is an accomplishment, even if the academics are not difficult for him. He didn't get side tracked by girls or drugs, didn't get depressed or lose motivation. He showed up, did his work. That's good. Wtg, nephew!

Your DC is working hard but academics are not his forte. He will find his forte outside of school, maybe after he is finished with school. That's good, too. People have different paths.

Ah, the old justification for the disparate treatment of younger relatives. Just because OP points out that her DC is worthy of recognition does not mean she is jealous.

Also, something you obtain, like all As, is not an achievement if it's done with no effort. I'm sure OP's DC "didn't get side tracked by girls or drugs, didn't get depressed or lose motivation. He showed up, did his work."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much $ are we talking? How people are giving gifts for this?

Are they checking the report card?

Give your kid As in courses / challenges of your own design, and tell grandad about them.

Yes report cards are shared and A rewarded.

You should stop sharing report cards and, instead, focus on effort.

Two of my three kids has LDs. They've had IEPs since K and all thru HS. I have one kid that is NT.

We focus on effort and willingness to try and to stretch. We have NEVER cared about grades. Imagine my outrage that kids in ES who made the honor roll got a donut at lunch. Two of my kids would never be on the honor roll yet worked so very hard. This is at a school where the principal provided every teacher with Carol Dweck's "Mindset" book.

I complained to the principal, admin staff and IEP team. It's discriminatory and demoralizing to students with disabilities to have to watch their typical peers get donuts while, thru no fault of their own, they do not. Soon after, all kids got donuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much $ are we talking? How people are giving gifts for this?

Are they checking the report card?

Give your kid As in courses / challenges of your own design, and tell grandad about them.

Yes report cards are shared and A rewarded.

You should stop sharing report cards and, instead, focus on effort.

Two of my three kids has LDs. They've had IEPs since K and all thru HS. I have one kid that is NT.

We focus on effort and willingness to try and to stretch. We have NEVER cared about grades. Imagine my outrage that kids in ES who made the honor roll got a donut at lunch. Two of my kids would never be on the honor roll yet worked so very hard. This is at a school where the principal provided every teacher with Carol Dweck's "Mindset" book.

I complained to the principal, admin staff and IEP team. It's discriminatory and demoralizing to students with disabilities to have to watch their typical peers get donuts while, thru no fault of their own, they do not. Soon after, all kids got donuts.

You seriously wasted people’s time complaining about DONUTS?!

Your children will not survive well in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much $ are we talking? How people are giving gifts for this?

Are they checking the report card?

Give your kid As in courses / challenges of your own design, and tell grandad about them.

Yes report cards are shared and A rewarded.

You should stop sharing report cards and, instead, focus on effort.

Two of my three kids has LDs. They've had IEPs since K and all thru HS. I have one kid that is NT.

We focus on effort and willingness to try and to stretch. We have NEVER cared about grades. Imagine my outrage that kids in ES who made the honor roll got a donut at lunch. Two of my kids would never be on the honor roll yet worked so very hard. This is at a school where the principal provided every teacher with Carol Dweck's "Mindset" book.

I complained to the principal, admin staff and IEP team. It's discriminatory and demoralizing to students with disabilities to have to watch their typical peers get donuts while, thru no fault of their own, they do not. Soon after, all kids got donuts.

I see where the school was going with this - trying to motivate kids to work hard - but it was clearly misguided. I wish schools had a better way of measuring "success" and celebrating people's hard work.

[Anonymous]

Saw this social media today.

A big shout out to all the kids who didn’t win an award, make honor roll, and barely made it through the school year. A big hug to the moms, dads, grandparents, caregivers, and foster parents that stuck by them as they maneuvered the school year.

To the kids that didn’t get invited to the prom, didn’t get a scholarship to college, and perhaps have to go straight to work out of high school....you are still worthy of a pat on the back and a Facebook post with people talking about how amazing you are.

Some kids have to work twice as hard as other students just to get a C. Their achievements deserve recognition.

Don’t forget those kids.

Kindness, creativity, and generosity....those attributes sadly don’t get the accolades they deserve.

#weseeyou #youareworthy #workjustashardifnotharder