Struggle to succeed but not celebrated

[Anonymous]

My nephew graduated this last weekend. School was easy for him. Never got a B in high school. He “took some honors classes and some AP classes but not too many because didn’t want to risk getting a “B.”” Didn’t have to study. Graduated with all the cords and everything.

He was rewarded by extended family throughout the years due good grades (lots of $).

Meanwhile my freshman with ADHD works really hard. Studies. Meets with tutors. Status after school for help with teachers. (Has IEP). He works hard for his “B” and “C”.

Never a word from family. Sometimes my dad will say - good improvement but won’t have him a $20 like he did for the other kid. He needs more reinforcement than anyone. Does not get rewarded at all. My family is well aware of his struggles.

I’m so sad that my kid isn’t recognized for his successes even if they aren’t “As”.

[Anonymous]

Give your kid gifts.

[Anonymous]

How much $ are we talking? How people are giving gifts for this?

Are they checking the report card?

Give your kid As in courses / challenges of your own design, and tell grandad about them.

[Anonymous]

I totally hear you! I think this is a trend overall in society, but it's even more awful from within your family.

Have you tried talking with you family about this directly? Do you know what their motivation is with giving these types of rewards? Do you generally have a good relationship with them? Are you certain they really are giving money to your nephew?

If you have a decent relationship, I think it's worth a heart-to-heart and an explanation that your kid is working really, really hard, and that grades really don't matter in life as much as grit.

Also consider the vague possibility that your nephew has some challenges you don't really understand - that actually, he is really naturally able to achieve good grades, but maybe he isn't very motivated to do so, and this money is actually an attempt to motivate a kid who might otherwise be not living up to his full potential. It sounds like your kid - fantastically - is self-motivated to work toward achieving their own fullest potential. Maybe that's not the case, so ignore if not, but it's worth consideration.

[Anonymous]

OP, you seem jealous of your nephew and defensive for your own DC. Your nephew is family. You can celebrate him too. Graduating high school with all As is an accomplishment, even if the academics are not difficult for him. He didn't get side tracked by girls or drugs, didn't get depressed or lose motivation. He showed up, did his work. That's good. Wtg, nephew!

Your DC is working hard but academics are not his forte. He will find his forte outside of school, maybe after he is finished with school. That's good, too. People have different paths.

[Anonymous]

DC1 has ADHD/ASD and has worked 50 times as hard as DC2, who is gifted and achieves effortlessly.

I praise effort, not achievement. DC1 has not, and may never, receive the praise and accolades that DC2 has received.

Yet this works to both their advantage, actually:

1. DC1 has learned the hard lesson that achievement and productivity is valued in this world, regardless of work ethic, and he has to move at his own pace and do the best he can. He has developed incredibly resiliency and doesn't compare himself to others. He isn't gnawed by envy and jealousy.

2. DC2 has been humbled by seeing how hard her brother works, for much less. She has seen his struggles, and has developed a lot more compassion for others than she would have had otherwise. Her competitiveness and natural tendency to gloat and sneer have been corrected as she's grown to admire her brother's dogged persistence. And you know what? Life has thrown her a curveball too: she's been diagnosed with a chronic physical disease.

Find the silver linings, OP.

[Anonymous]

Chronic physical disease, the silver lining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Chronic physical disease, the silver lining.

After you're done being offensive, maybe you'll want to ponder the actual ones spelled out to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much $ are we talking? How people are giving gifts for this?

Are they checking the report card?

Give your kid As in courses / challenges of your own design, and tell grandad about them.

Yes report cards are shared and A rewarded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Chronic physical disease, the silver lining.

After you're done being offensive, maybe you'll want to ponder the actual ones spelled out to you.

DP. I'm offended on the poor girl's behalf. The only way she could win her mother's approval was by getting sick? Her academic achievement was not to be celebrated?

Maybe OP will learn something from the post, at least.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel the same way for my DD. She worked so hard to make honor roll and then overheard some other parents talking about how “you could sleep through your classes and still make honor roll in MCPS.” It hurts.

[Anonymous]

I’ve found that you have to find your people who will support your child. It might not be your family but there are people. You just have to remember to reach out to those who get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel the same way for my DD. She worked so hard to make honor roll and then overheard some other parents talking about how “you could sleep through your classes and still make honor roll in MCPS.” It hurts.

But it’s not hurtful unless it was said directly to your child. Reality is that there are many kids who can sleep through classes and make honor role. And there are many kids who give it their all and can’t make a grade above a D except in PE. I mean if this is going to hurt your child, imagine how mine, who barely D’d out of HS feels to hear your kid brag about making honor role.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Chronic physical disease, the silver lining.

After you're done being offensive, maybe you'll want to ponder the actual ones spelled out to you.

DP. I'm offended on the poor girl's behalf. The only way she could win her mother's approval was by getting sick? Her academic achievement was not to be celebrated?

Maybe OP will learn something from the post, at least.

I posted that story. What do you not understand?!?! My daughter's disease is obviously NOT the silver lining!!! What's wrong with you???

Reading comprehension, for goodness' sakes: my son has learned resilience, grit and to compare himself only to himself. My daughter has learned compassion and tolerance from observing her brother. The disease is mentioned just to remind OP that successful and celebrated people sometimes struggle with other challenges.

I swear, some people...

[Anonymous]

People are really thoughtless about this. I’ve had relatives go on and on about an academic success that my kid literally just crashed and burned on. Then when you say something nice about your kid you can tell they think you’re delusional. Don’t get me started on my sister endlessly complaining about college admissions (her kid will get in and they can pay) & her kids fancy private schools. I also love the “woker than thou” relatives who send their kids to private (bc the local public is “too rough”) yet still act like they are better than us politically (despite the fact our kid goes to a T1 school).