Wife friendship with male neighbor

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She has a crush on the guy, but they haven’t taken it to the next level.

Tell her you don’t want solo contact between them and you or his wife must always be included in texts.

OP's wife isn't a kid. You can't dictate those kinds of rules and expect the marriage to stay intact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m of the opinion that if you feel uncomfortable about something that your partner is doing you should feel comfortable talking to your spouse without fear of anger or the silent treatment.

+1 it’s lousy that she’s giving you silent treatment for telling her your concerns. She’s making it seem like you did something wrong for bringing it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cheaters cheat, non-cheaters don't cheat

Is your wife character... a cheater or not.

That is your answer.

I think this is largely true HOWEVER, I wouldn’t be so sure that we are not all capable of it under the “right” circumstances. Ie my husband is not a cheater but it’s not totally impossible that one day in a particular situation, he might not be tempted beyond his own expectations.

No that's not how it works. If you think that, you are a cheater who has been really good at not cheating. Congrats to you.

Non-cheaters... just never enters the realm of possibility.

“A cheater who has been really good at not cheating”

🤔🤨

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m of the opinion that if you feel uncomfortable about something that your partner is doing you should feel comfortable talking to your spouse without fear of anger or the silent treatment.

+1 it’s lousy that she’s giving you silent treatment for telling her your concerns. She’s making it seem like you did something wrong for bringing it up.

Unless it’s for snooping.

But agree she should want to reassure OP, not get upset with OP for brining it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is wildly overreacting to you reading her texts.

Also, texts can deleted so not sure that this helped. Emails can be deleted too. Internet history can be cleared. Without an IT background and a lot of work, checking her phone won’t yield useful information even if she was.

She probably has feelings for him. I know I would in that situation. What you don’t know is if she did anything with those feelings and you may never know.

I think the silent treatment is an unacceptable method of dealing with an issue, but I can also understand why she is upset that her husband read her texts. I say things to my girlfriends that I'd rather my husband not read and I would be upset if he read them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is wildly overreacting to you reading her texts.

Also, texts can deleted so not sure that this helped. Emails can be deleted too. Internet history can be cleared. Without an IT background and a lot of work, checking her phone won’t yield useful information even if she was.

She probably has feelings for him. I know I would in that situation. What you don’t know is if she did anything with those feelings and you may never know.

I think the silent treatment is an unacceptable method of dealing with an issue, but I can also understand why she is upset that her husband read her texts. I say things to my girlfriends that I'd rather my husband not read and I would be upset if he read them.

Really? I complain about my husband to my girlfriends too, but it’s nothing I wouldn’t say to his face. If he had the patience to go through my texts it would very much be a nonissue.

Also, she definitely should not be telling neighbor guy anything she wouldn’t want DH to know.

[Anonymous]

So what was the stuff you found that wasn't innocent and innocuous?

We also have a large friend circle in our neighborhood and I have texts with some of the men that don't include our spouses. I wouldn't care if anyone read them because there is nothing going on. I can't even think of a joke that would be in there that could be considered to be an issue. We also don't text very frequently, so if she's talking to this guy daily, that would be a lot, in my opinion.

In terms of being in his orbit, is your wife seeking him out and avoiding you? If my husband and I are at an event with everyone (which happens a lot, we have lots of get togethers with our group), I wouldn't avoid him but have for sure ended up having conversations with the other husbands instead of my own at certain points. There are some that I just get along with really well. I don't think anyone has ever perceived that anything is going on with me and any of them.

One of the wives in our group likes to fish (she's the only one), so she goes out with the husbands to do that all the time. It doesn't bother me at all because I don't want to go so I'm just happy that my husband is doing something fun with his friends, even if one of them is a woman. Honestly, it's possible that someone hinky could be going on when they head out at 4:30 am and get back late at night and stop for drinks and food during the day but I can't expend any energy worrying about that when I have no reason to suspect anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They would not sit next to each other if anything was going on.

This.

And your action may drive it from innocuous to something. Don't be an ass; they're just friends. If he were a woman would you have a problem? Do you have trust issues with her in other arenas? Like does she say she's going to pick up the kids and doesn't or say she's going to the store and goes for a run? What exactly is your issue with her? It sounds like it's an issue with you. Look inward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She has a crush on the guy, but they haven’t taken it to the next level.

Tell her you don’t want solo contact between them and you or his wife must always be included in texts.

We have a wife in our group who insists she is on all texts involving her husband. None of the rest of us do that. And honestly, her husband isn't at the top of anyone's list anyway, so it's odd to me that she's so possessive. It feels like she treats him like a child.

[Anonymous]

She’s probably hurt that you don’t trust her and went through her phone. And you’re hurt that she’s shutting you down and giving you the silent treatment. As to how to proceed? I would consider a few sessions with a marriage counselor to help facilitate better communication and bring you back to a more trusting relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is wildly overreacting to you reading her texts.

Also, texts can deleted so not sure that this helped. Emails can be deleted too. Internet history can be cleared. Without an IT background and a lot of work, checking her phone won’t yield useful information even if she was.

She probably has feelings for him. I know I would in that situation. What you don’t know is if she did anything with those feelings and you may never know.

I think the silent treatment is an unacceptable method of dealing with an issue, but I can also understand why she is upset that her husband read her texts. I say things to my girlfriends that I'd rather my husband not read and I would be upset if he read them.

Silent treatment is an immature way to handle a problem. OP violated her trust by reading her emails. I would have been angry too, but I'm not passive-aggressive, I would have just exploded that he went in my phone. I would NEVER even think to do that to DH. I would have raised it with him that the relationship is making me feel insecure. It would be then his role to respond to that information appropriately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She has a crush on the guy, but they haven’t taken it to the next level.

Tell her you don’t want solo contact between them and you or his wife must always be included in texts.

We have a wife in our group who insists she is on all texts involving her husband. None of the rest of us do that. And honestly, her husband isn't at the top of anyone's list anyway, so it's odd to me that she's so possessive. It feels like she treats him like a child.

He probably cheated in the past and she has PTSD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m of the opinion that if you feel uncomfortable about something that your partner is doing you should feel comfortable talking to your spouse without fear of anger or the silent treatment.

True.

Her response by giving you the silent treatment (a form of emotional abuse and manipulation) is far more concerning than anything that was or wasn’t on the phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She has a crush on the guy, but they haven’t taken it to the next level.

Tell her you don’t want solo contact between them and you or his wife must always be included in texts.

OP's wife isn't a kid. You can't dictate those kinds of rules and expect the marriage to stay intact.

If she cared about OP more than the neighbor, then she would do this without having to be asked/told.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They would not sit next to each other if anything was going on.

This.

And your action may drive it from innocuous to something. Don't be an ass; they're just friends. If he were a woman would you have a problem? Do you have trust issues with her in other arenas? Like does she say she's going to pick up the kids and doesn't or say she's going to the store and goes for a run? What exactly is your issue with her? It sounds like it's an issue with you. Look inward.

Nice deflection, but they are plenty of responsible and functional cheaters.