Wife friendship with male neighbor

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did not tell her I looked at the texts. Not yet.

Wow. So YOU’RE the one lying and hiding something from HER.

He looked because she gave him very good reason to be suspicious. It’s not like OP is just randomly spying on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cheaters cheat, non-cheaters don't cheat

Is your wife character... a cheater or not.

That is your answer.

I think this is largely true HOWEVER, I wouldn’t be so sure that we are not all capable of it under the “right” circumstances. Ie my husband is not a cheater but it’s not totally impossible that one day in a particular situation, he might not be tempted beyond his own expectations.

No that's not how it works. If you think that, you are a cheater who has been really good at not cheating. Congrats to you.

Non-cheaters... just never enters the realm of possibility.

NP. Actually that is how it works. I considered myself as being "not in the realm of possibility" category until I met someone unexpectedly and although I never acted on it, it crossed my mind that perhaps I am capable of doing something like that. It shocked me too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound jealous and possessive.

if a woman had posted this you would have 100% responded to her "trust your gut instinct/intuition". just stop with the hypocrisy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have never cheated nor do I expect to. I was shocked at one period of time by how tempted I felt, but it had way more to do with how badly my marriage was going than a specific situation with another person. I think if your marriage is strong you are ok. But the silent treatment is not good and the snooping is not good. Maybe you guys need marriage counseling to deal with your relationship separate from the neighbor

This is great advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here (there was a previous "OP" with a flip response - not me)

wasn't expecting quite the lengthy thread. Thanks for the serious replies.

The irony in all of this is that I brought up this topic to improve our relationship for the long run. Let me explain. I'm not a perfect husband. I've given her the silent treatment on occasions over the years as has she. Our communication in general needs improvement. Maybe some counseling. Recently i've been opening up about various things to mixed/surprised reactions from her. I love her dearly and I believe she loves me. We have our health, awesome kids, financial stability, and generally a great life. I'm not looking to blow it up. On the contrary, I wanted to pull the band aid on something that has been on my mind for quite a while. It may be (and i hope it is) perfectly innocent. Great! But as her husband I want her to know how i've been perceiving all of this.
One pp noted that in a healthy relationship, both spouses have a right to discuss their concerns, suspicions, etc openly. 100% pp. 100%.

To be clear, I did NOT accuse her of any wrong doing and made it very clear to her that I was not doing so when we talked. I stated my observations and thoughts that are a culmination of multiple years of experiences. We're in the midwest, so it could be a cultural thing? (we're both transplants here) I truly don't know if anything has transpired and I may never know. What I do know with near certainty is that others in our neighbor group have noted and they likely noted years ago. I can read a room.

As soon as Ryan's name left my lips I could see her tense up and flush. She wasn't surprised so much about the topic more so than the timing. Why not a few yrs ago during the "gym" years - which could have been construed as inappropriate? She made clear nothing went on between them. Fine. But i've cleared the air and she's upset. I can see from her perspective how insulting this might be. But my feelings are valid too and I don't regret bringing it up. It's been 2 days. I'll give her space and see what she has to say when she's ready.

Left your lips!

lol.

Gawd is this lame.

[Anonymous]

My wife is not going to exercise with a male neighbor period. I am not going to exercise with a female neighbor period. It's much easier to catch an unfaithful man than an unfaithful woman. If a woman is caught it's because she wants to get caught.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound jealous and possessive.

if a woman had posted this you would have 100% responded to her "trust your gut instinct/intuition". just stop with the hypocrisy.

You miss the point only men cheat. Women kind of cheat if you call that cheating because well they were emotionally neglected, John is a workaholic John drinks too much, John doesn't want to spend time with me. Larry came to the rescue and I opened my legs for him just don't call me a cheater

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did not tell her I looked at the texts. Not yet.

Wow. So YOU’RE the one lying and hiding something from HER.

He looked because she gave him very good reason to be suspicious. It’s not like OP is just randomly spying on her.

Actually, he says he's had these feelings for "years" and did randomly start spying on her.

Incredibly dishonest and sketchy behavior from OP while trying to pin dishonest behavior on his wife... Projecting maybe?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I am having trouble believing her anger and hurt is about you bringing this up. It feels like she's trying to shift the blame back to you. I don't think you mentioned, did you tell her you looked at her texts?

+1

The way she tried to flip the focus to why OP didn't bring this up a few years ago when they were working out strikes me as odd and defensive.

Something's off. In every instance I've known someone whose spouse cheated, they said, "I knew something was off, I sensed it." Trust your gut, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound jealous and possessive.

if a woman had posted this you would have 100% responded to her "trust your gut instinct/intuition". just stop with the hypocrisy.

DP, but you’re the one being really sexist by assuming this would be PP’s reaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Speaking as someone who was cheated on, so take that into account: I interpret your wife's reaction as meaning she had/has feelings for this guy but nothing happened or something almost happened and one or both of them put a stop to it. I am having trouble believing her anger and hurt is about you bringing this up. It feels like she's trying to shift the blame back to you. I don't think you mentioned, did you tell her you looked at her texts?

As far as I now, I have not been cheated on, and I had the same reaction. The anger, hurt, silent treatment seem over the top given the situation.

DP, agree with above.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did not tell her I looked at the texts. Not yet.

Wow. So YOU’RE the one lying and hiding something from HER.

He looked because she gave him very good reason to be suspicious. It’s not like OP is just randomly spying on her.

If he had his suspicions, and wants to communicate openly and honestly, as he claims, there were several other options available to him. He could have asked her about the neighbor, or he could have asked her if she would show him the texts on her phone.

But he didn’t do the open, honest, thing, he jumped straight to violating her privacy. And he found NOTHING. And now you people want to spin it so that his finding nothing is actually a sign of guilt, that she’s clearly erased all incriminating texts.

This is ridiculous. She can’t win. She may as well spread those legs. If I thought my husband had decided I was a flagrant whore, well, I might as well have the fun and take that dick. Congrats, OP, you’ve played yourself and ruined your marriage.

[Anonymous]

PP, are you the overly flirtatious wife?

I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound jealous and possessive.

if a woman had posted this you would have 100% responded to her "trust your gut instinct/intuition". just stop with the hypocrisy.

DP, but you’re the one being really sexist by assuming this would be PP’s reaction.

You must be new to DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, are you the overly flirtatious wife?

I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt here.

You won’t believe me no matter what I say, so who cares? Once you have nothing to prove to anyone, you can do what you want.