Competitive academics - what to tell the smart, hard-working kid who isn't "the best"

[Anonymous]

You sound proper nuts. Lay off and you’re craziness is rubbing off on your child

[Anonymous]

I was a competitive kid, top schools and all that.

In academics you keep getting into bigger and bigger ponds. You may have been the valedictorian and your high school but so was half your classmates at your class. I graduated at the top of my class from law school and just kept chasing the next prestige level.

Then I realized that it was making me totally miserable. I took a government job with good work/life balance and I get to spend time with my husband and kid and have a life outside of work and I'm so much happier than I was working crazy long hours to chase the next goal. I don't mean I've given up entirely, I'm still very proud of the work I do, it's just not as intense.

People in my same job went to Ivy league schools and state schools and no one cares.

So my advice is instead of obsessing over being the best, work on building a balanced life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My oldest, despite being intelligent and extremely hard-working, has low processing speed, and needs to work 10 times more than his peers to achieve LESS.

He's now in college. He made his peace with it, over the years. You know what the silver lining has been? He's built incredible work ethic and a strong sense of self. He knows he cannot compare himself to others.
(His little sister is gifted, which makes any comparison even more difficult. So we don't do that.)

What is low processing speed?

[Anonymous]

She needs perspective. Get her a tutor or role model, someone young in college or recent grad, who is in Earth Sciences or fields that she is interest in, and who has a great path ahead of them, and they are NOT from ivy/Top20 school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh that’s hard OP. Is she at a private? Maybe you can think about switching schools.

No, public. One thing we like about the school is that it's actually got a good range of students and we like that it feels like everyone kind of has a place -- it's really not just for academic superstars (it's not TJ!). What we didn't anticipate was that of course her "place" is among the other highly academic kids, and while she's right in the mix with them, she's not at the top, and it's getting to her. It's like if we had a theater kid who always got speaking parts and praise from teachers and directors, but never, ever the lead, and there were a handful of kids in every play who were like broadway-level talented. It's discouraging even though at this age, it doesn't really even mean that much as long as she keeps her grades up and stays focused on what she wants. But she can't see that yet. All she knows is that she never "wins" in this specific environment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound proper nuts. Lay off and you’re craziness is rubbing off on your child

? This is a fairly normal and not uncommon issue with kids. Most kids are not the best. They are somewhere in the middle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh that’s hard OP. Is she at a private? Maybe you can think about switching schools.

No, public. One thing we like about the school is that it's actually got a good range of students and we like that it feels like everyone kind of has a place -- it's really not just for academic superstars (it's not TJ!). What we didn't anticipate was that of course her "place" is among the other highly academic kids, and while she's right in the mix with them, she's not at the top, and it's getting to her. It's like if we had a theater kid who always got speaking parts and praise from teachers and directors, but never, ever the lead, and there were a handful of kids in every play who were like broadway-level talented. It's discouraging even though at this age, it doesn't really even mean that much as long as she keeps her grades up and stays focused on what she wants. But she can't see that yet. All she knows is that she never "wins" in this specific environment.

This is familiar. I was that kid but somehow managed to get myself to an elite college (where I was on the periphery) and then an elite professional school (again, orbiting brilliance). My personality, in hindsight, is better suited to being a bigger fish in a smaller pond, but I didn't have to maturity or ability to step away from my ego to see that. I think this is common in people who respond to external validation and it can be really tough.

It has taken me well into my 40s and more than a few humbling failures caused by continuing to seek external validation in a competitive environment before I decided to accept the path that fit me, and not the path that is "the best." Many of my friends are from my eras of chasing competition, so I have been deliberate in making new friends who are quite different.

Good luck to your daughter- it is really hard to be the kind of person who wants the feeling of the "win" but can't get it.

[Anonymous]

I felt this intensely in high school and it produced an attitude of fatalism and defeat because no one ever talked to me about it. You’re a great parent to think about this.

The best I can think of looking back is to tell her that life is long. So much longer than she can see right now. The key is to open as many doors as possible and close as few as possible. But beyond that, it’s luck. Adult life does not give happiness or career success in a ranking system; it’s not like the #1 ranked kid gets the #1 ranked job and so on down the line. Life is SO much more complicated than that. As long as she’s done reasonably well keeping doors open (sounds like yours has!), she will have just as many opportunities to grab success in the future with all the twists and turns real careers and adult life have. Also, soft skills are way more important than raw talent in the real world. Again, as long as she’s in the general ballpark of top 30% or whatever for talent, who ends up with Big Success is much more random. Every Nobel Prize winner and CEO was not a valediction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She inherited your neurotic personality

Agreed

[Anonymous]

Wave goodbye to the end of beginning

[Anonymous]

Dealing with something similar, although DD 12 is the one getting the most accolades at her school. However, there is always someone somewhere breathing down her neck (in her mind), constantly feels that she is "falling" despite winning etc. Arguments that have worked for her:

1) You don't want to be the smartest/only really smart person. If everyone is less smart than you, they won't appreciate your smartness, you will feel lonely and won't have anyone to marry.

2) You need a lot of smart people around so that you have smart pilot driving your plan and smart doctors taking care of you and your children. You can't do everything by yourself. It's good that there are other kids out there learning and studying. There are a lot of great careers and fulfilling and prestigious jobs.

Yes, I also tell her do your own best, this is not under your control, there are many ways to success in life etc etc but this doesn't really help. Maybe later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dealing with something similar, although DD 12 is the one getting the most accolades at her school. However, there is always someone somewhere breathing down her neck (in her mind), constantly feels that she is "falling" despite winning etc. Arguments that have worked for her:

1) You don't want to be the smartest/only really smart person. If everyone is less smart than you, they won't appreciate your smartness, you will feel lonely and won't have anyone to marry.

2) You need a lot of smart people around so that you have smart pilot driving your plan and smart doctors taking care of you and your children. You can't do everything by yourself. It's good that there are other kids out there learning and studying. There are a lot of great careers and fulfilling and prestigious jobs.

Yes, I also tell her do your own best, this is not under your control, there are many ways to success in life etc etc but this doesn't really help. Maybe later.

Thank you, these are great insights. And thanks to others for relating your own experiences, either in your youth or with your kids.

FWIW, I don't think I'm neurotic at all, but I get how it might come off that way out of context in a thread like this. I think in paragraphs, I can't help it.

[Anonymous]

There is literally nothing better for a child than being second or third academically. We tell our (very bright) child that if you are the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.

As an aside, there are ways to diversify academic excellence that encourage very smart children. Try giving her something challenging that she is not naturally good at. Add a second or third language, an instrument or dance. One of our kids is very smart and we have never told him what his IQ is or how far beyond his grade level he scores. It literally does not matter. It matters that your child is doing hard, challenging work and enjoying learning. The other kids can be rockets scientists, who cares, be thankful that she gets to learn humility early.

[Anonymous]

I mean...there is always going to be someone smarter, or prettier, or faster, or able to jump higher, or with a photographic memory, or with perfect pitch, or that gets privilege because of who their parents are, etc. Work hard, develop good character and enjoy the ride. Yes, encourage his/her gifts and applaud the hard work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean...there is always going to be someone smarter, or prettier, or faster, or able to jump higher, or with a photographic memory, or with perfect pitch, or that gets privilege because of who their parents are, etc. Work hard, develop good character and enjoy the ride. Yes, encourage his/her gifts and applaud the hard work.

DP. True but it’s still nice for a kid to get a “win” once in a while. The competition everywhere nowadays is ridiculous and unhealthy, and it’s everywhere. I know people living in lcol areas in PA and OH that face the same thing. I’d probably emphasize to my kid that while these wins are nice, in the big scheme of things they mostly don’t matter and they’ll still have a nice life and future without them.