Reply to Competitive academics - what to tell the smart, hard-working kid who isn't "the best"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Ugh that’s hard OP. Is she at a private? Maybe you can think about switching schools.[/quote]

No, public. One thing we like about the school is that it's actually got a good range of students and we like that it feels like everyone kind of has a place -- it's really not just for academic superstars (it's not TJ!). What we didn't anticipate was that of course her "place" is among the other highly academic kids, and while she's right in the mix with them, she's not at the top, and it's getting to her. It's like if we had a theater kid who always got speaking parts and praise from teachers and directors, but never, ever the lead, and there were a handful of kids in every play who were like broadway-level talented. It's discouraging even though at this age, it doesn't really even mean that much as long as she keeps her grades up and stays focused on what she wants. But she can't see that yet. All she knows is that she never "wins" in this specific environment.[/quote]

This is familiar. I was that kid but somehow managed to get myself to an elite college (where I was on the periphery) and then an elite professional school (again, orbiting brilliance). My personality, in hindsight, is better suited to being a bigger fish in a smaller pond, but I didn't have to maturity or ability to step away from my ego to see that. I think this is common in people who respond to external validation and it can be really tough.

It has taken me well into my 40s and more than a few humbling failures caused by continuing to seek external validation in a competitive environment before I decided to accept the path that fit me, and not the path that is "the best." Many of my friends are from my eras of chasing competition, so I have been deliberate in making new friends who are quite different.

Good luck to your daughter- it is really hard to be the kind of person who wants the feeling of the "win" but can't get it.[/quote]

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