Can teens with strict(ish) parents maintain friendships with teens with more permissive parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you are describing is not strict. It’s parenting. This is saying more about you then you actual strictness.

This is what I tell my kids all the time. But they both have some friends who can really do whatever they want. Also, the vast majority of their friends have social media--so while I think that is just good parenting, it does seem I am firmly in the strict camp on that. There are a lot of mental health struggles in my family and I just do not think social media would be good for my kids' mental health. They tell me they understand that, but I still constantly hear, "everyone has Snap, everyone has Insta, everyone has TikTok." Someone said upthread my "good one" will resent me. They are both really good kids. At least for now. And I am willing to bet that at a minimum, the older one will always be a "good kid." But I feel like I need to stick to my beliefs on some of these things.

Are you 13:34? I said that your older one will resent you if the boundaries are adjusted for the youngest.

I am OP but not 13:34. I took 13:34 to mean loosen the boundaries for a kid who has demonstrated responsibility. Sounds reasonable enough to me, but would not to my other kid, I am sure.

If this is the case, I’ll apologize. A few DCUM-ers think that the kid who’s prone to sneak out(usually the youngest) should receive less boundaries and more “progressive parenting.”

[Anonymous]

OP, you won't be able to label parents. Stop doing that. Parents worry about different things, and have their own rules based on what they worry about. Example: DD wanted to going on a double date because her best friend wasn't allowed to date unless it was a double date. We didn't have that rule but we didn't approve of her friend's date .. too much older.

[Anonymous]

I think it's mostly about setting boundaries you can actually enforce - ie they are not allowed to do x in your house and need to be home by y time, etc. You really cannot say they aren't allowed to do certain things at friends' houses or out elsewhere because you aren't there. With that, I would focus more on teaching your kids what is safe behavior and what is risky, but remaining open so that they can tell you what they have been doing without feeling judged. It is not easy and isn't going to work perfectly, but it seems to me that the goal is to be a reliable and caring parent they know they can trust by setting appropriate boundaries that you can enforce and being available to them as the caring parent who is not going to fly off the handle of you find out they do other things outside your presence. The goal is for them to learn to make good choices because you can't be there all the time - not for them to be afraid of consequences.

I do think it's hard because teens already feel a lot of unfairness in life, and seeing that other friends can do things they can't is super hard. But it doesn't mean you need to change your rules (although assessing them to be sure they are still age-appropriate periodically is important, too). Whether your kid keeps those friendships or not is up to them - not you.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am going to be honest with you. While I agree that no social media should be a good thing, they probably already have accounts on their friends phones.

Instagram is basically Facebook lately. So many parents and high school teams and organizations are on it. I would allow that as long as you follow them and have their log in if needed. My teen barely uses it. I track her time and it’s about 15min a day and mainly for her high school sport.

Tik Tok isn’t bad. It’s just addictive. Most kids do stupid dances, watch tutorials or funny things about their sports or hobbies. Def a time sucker so I limit it to 30min a day for my 14yr old. She has a private account and I follow her and have her log in.

Snap us the only one I have mixed feelings on. It’s the one used the most. Teens use it all the time instead of texting. They create bit moji and have snap maps. It’s the new of asking for a phone number or contact. Can I have your snap? If I was a teen I would love it too. I absolutely see the appeal. But it can easily go into bad things and easier to hide things. I only agreed to it at age 14 with the agreement that her posts can never be on delete immediately and I have the app and log in on my phone and I can check at anytime. And I have. But snap is AWFUL in middle school. It really calms down in high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who grew up with very strict parents, yes they can maintain friendships. I did it by doing a TON of lying and sneaking around.

This!!

And you are never going to be the house the kids go over to or ever get the inside scoop from.

But I guess what part is strict? Like I allow my kids to date, go to parties, have sleepovers, have friends over, etc… but I also do this to keep an eye on them, check for drinking/drugs etc… I am not the cool parent that supplies underage teens with things or turns a blind eye.

This isn't necessarily true. My parents were, to many of my friends, the "strict" parents. No parties unless they had talked to the other parents and confirmed they'd be home. Checking in required so they knew were we were, and they had to sign off on deviations from the original plan. No giving rides to other teens without permission (back in the days when there weren't graduated licenses). The sort of thing that is really just good parenting but is often perceived as strict.

They were also, however, always willing to host our friends, to provide all the good snacks, to rent endless movies, etc.. One example - they hosted a post-prom party at our house and hired a company to come in and do casino games with prizes. They also supervised closely and (successfully) barred alcohol. After a couple of years of doing it they had kids they'd never met showing up because they'd heard it was so much fun. But they worked at it, and were generally fantastic and involved parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What you are describing is not strict. It’s parenting. This is saying more about you then you actual strictness.

+1 Kinda wondering if this is a subtle troll post. Strict parents don't crowdsource opinions on their strictness anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who grew up with very strict parents, yes they can maintain friendships. I did it by doing a TON of lying and sneaking around.

This!!

And you are never going to be the house the kids go over to or ever get the inside scoop from.

But I guess what part is strict? Like I allow my kids to date, go to parties, have sleepovers, have friends over, etc… but I also do this to keep an eye on them, check for drinking/drugs etc… I am not the cool parent that supplies underage teens with things or turns a blind eye.

oh no, whatever shall i do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who grew up with very strict parents, yes they can maintain friendships. I did it by doing a TON of lying and sneaking around.

This!!

And you are never going to be the house the kids go over to or ever get the inside scoop from.

But I guess what part is strict? Like I allow my kids to date, go to parties, have sleepovers, have friends over, etc… but I also do this to keep an eye on them, check for drinking/drugs etc… I am not the cool parent that supplies underage teens with things or turns a blind eye.

oh no, whatever shall i do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I seem to be on the stricter side among the parents of my young teen's friends, which is wild because I don't think I am strict. Am I going to kill my kids' friendships? Looking at my own childhood, I had very permissive parents and plenty of close friendships with kids with strict parents, so I guess that is my answer. But, man, this is hard.

What is "permissive" to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who grew up with very strict parents, yes they can maintain friendships. I did it by doing a TON of lying and sneaking around.

This!!

And you are never going to be the house the kids go over to or ever get the inside scoop from.

But I guess what part is strict? Like I allow my kids to date, go to parties, have sleepovers, have friends over, etc… but I also do this to keep an eye on them, check for drinking/drugs etc… I am not the cool parent that supplies underage teens with things or turns a blind eye.

I'm really not that strict, though. Just stricter than some other parents. And both kids' friends hang out at our house a decent amount. I allow sleepovers (and half of DCUM will tell you my kids are "too old" for sleepovers). My kids are 13 and 14 and I don't let them go to parties where an adult will not be home. At some point in high school I certainly will, but not sure exactly when. I also do not yet allow any social media though they both got phones at the start of middle school. Is that overly strict??

You are not that strict, OP. What you described is called being a sensible parent. Other parents are lazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm far less permissive than most parents I know, and yet my son has a friend with very orthodox parents who have a lot of bright line rules. They manage to stay friends because all the other kids understand the limits and get it when that friend can't be around. They keep him in the circle and respect those boundaries.

that’s really nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who grew up with very strict parents, yes they can maintain friendships. I did it by doing a TON of lying and sneaking around.

This!!

And you are never going to be the house the kids go over to or ever get the inside scoop from.

But I guess what part is strict? Like I allow my kids to date, go to parties, have sleepovers, have friends over, etc… but I also do this to keep an eye on them, check for drinking/drugs etc… I am not the cool parent that supplies underage teens with things or turns a blind eye.

This isn't necessarily true. My parents were, to many of my friends, the "strict" parents. No parties unless they had talked to the other parents and confirmed they'd be home. Checking in required so they knew were we were, and they had to sign off on deviations from the original plan. No giving rides to other teens without permission (back in the days when there weren't graduated licenses). The sort of thing that is really just good parenting but is often perceived as strict.

They were also, however, always willing to host our friends, to provide all the good snacks, to rent endless movies, etc.. One example - they hosted a post-prom party at our house and hired a company to come in and do casino games with prizes. They also supervised closely and (successfully) barred alcohol. After a couple of years of doing it they had kids they'd never met showing up because they'd heard it was so much fun. But they worked at it, and were generally fantastic and involved parents.

This is me and my spouse. We aren't "strict," we're just responsible. But the parents who are more interested in being friends with their kids than parents will insist this approach, which is really just good parenting, will alienate you from your children and ruin their social lives for good. They fail to realize that they are the problem, not us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who grew up with very strict parents, yes they can maintain friendships. I did it by doing a TON of lying and sneaking around.

This!!

And you are never going to be the house the kids go over to or ever get the inside scoop from.

But I guess what part is strict? Like I allow my kids to date, go to parties, have sleepovers, have friends over, etc… but I also do this to keep an eye on them, check for drinking/drugs etc… I am not the cool parent that supplies underage teens with things or turns a blind eye.

This isn't necessarily true. My parents were, to many of my friends, the "strict" parents. No parties unless they had talked to the other parents and confirmed they'd be home. Checking in required so they knew were we were, and they had to sign off on deviations from the original plan. No giving rides to other teens without permission (back in the days when there weren't graduated licenses). The sort of thing that is really just good parenting but is often perceived as strict.

They were also, however, always willing to host our friends, to provide all the good snacks, to rent endless movies, etc.. One example - they hosted a post-prom party at our house and hired a company to come in and do casino games with prizes. They also supervised closely and (successfully) barred alcohol. After a couple of years of doing it they had kids they'd never met showing up because they'd heard it was so much fun. But they worked at it, and were generally fantastic and involved parents.

This is me and my spouse. We aren't "strict," we're just responsible. But the parents who are more interested in being friends with their kids than parents will insist this approach, which is really just good parenting, will alienate you from your children and ruin their social lives for good. They fail to realize that they are the problem, not us.

OP here and I agree but my kids don’t. Well, one of them doesn’t. The other seems to totally get it but that makes it that much harder to say no.

[Anonymous]

To answer your subject line question, yes, absolutely.

My kids have friends whose parents are on a spectrum of strictness. The parents of one kid are notorious for being "strict." I often overhear "Larla can't come because her parents are so strict." And it's true, they barely let her leave the house. But that same kid is texting all through the night and using social media I don't allow. My kid's devices are plugged in at 8pm so when she turns it on in I in the morning, there are a bunch of messages from that girl. So my impression is that her parents are pretty lax about many things that I'm strict about.

[Anonymous]

I agree with above. A lot of the “strict” parents are just weirdly controlling but in an inconsistent way. Like won’t let their kids hang out after school for a few hours so instead they go home every day and send inappropriate pics on Snapchat.

To answer you - OP - you sound normal. There is a variation amongst my kids friends. Some miss out more bc of parents being stricter (mostly leaving a get together earlier than others or not getting to sleepover, or missing all together due to frequent grounding ) but not to the extent that they lose friendships