Can teens with strict(ish) parents maintain friendships with teens with more permissive parents?

[Anonymous]

I seem to be on the stricter side among the parents of my young teen's friends, which is wild because I don't think I am strict. Am I going to kill my kids' friendships? Looking at my own childhood, I had very permissive parents and plenty of close friendships with kids with strict parents, so I guess that is my answer. But, man, this is hard.

[Anonymous]

As someone who grew up with very strict parents, yes they can maintain friendships. I did it by doing a TON of lying and sneaking around.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you have already answered your own question. Part of parenting teens is learning how to set boundaries and teaching your kids about why the boundaries are important. It’s also a time for you to keep an open mind about which boundaries should be adjusted for each of your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who grew up with very strict parents, yes they can maintain friendships. I did it by doing a TON of lying and sneaking around.

This!!

And you are never going to be the house the kids go over to or ever get the inside scoop from.

But I guess what part is strict? Like I allow my kids to date, go to parties, have sleepovers, have friends over, etc… but I also do this to keep an eye on them, check for drinking/drugs etc… I am not the cool parent that supplies underage teens with things or turns a blind eye.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you have already answered your own question. Part of parenting teens is learning how to set boundaries and teaching your kids about why the boundaries are important. It’s also a time for you to keep an open mind about which boundaries should be adjusted for each of your kids.

And your “good one” will rightfully resent you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who grew up with very strict parents, yes they can maintain friendships. I did it by doing a TON of lying and sneaking around.

This!!

And you are never going to be the house the kids go over to or ever get the inside scoop from.

But I guess what part is strict? Like I allow my kids to date, go to parties, have sleepovers, have friends over, etc… but I also do this to keep an eye on them, check for drinking/drugs etc… I am not the cool parent that supplies underage teens with things or turns a blind eye.

I'm really not that strict, though. Just stricter than some other parents. And both kids' friends hang out at our house a decent amount. I allow sleepovers (and half of DCUM will tell you my kids are "too old" for sleepovers). My kids are 13 and 14 and I don't let them go to parties where an adult will not be home. At some point in high school I certainly will, but not sure exactly when. I also do not yet allow any social media though they both got phones at the start of middle school. Is that overly strict??

[Anonymous]

It won't necessarily make it impossible, but there's gonna have to be understanding on both sides. And some things your kid wants to do with friends that have more permissive parents won't be allowed and everyone will have to be ok with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who grew up with very strict parents, yes they can maintain friendships. I did it by doing a TON of lying and sneaking around.

This!!

And you are never going to be the house the kids go over to or ever get the inside scoop from.

But I guess what part is strict? Like I allow my kids to date, go to parties, have sleepovers, have friends over, etc… but I also do this to keep an eye on them, check for drinking/drugs etc… I am not the cool parent that supplies underage teens with things or turns a blind eye.

I'm really not that strict, though. Just stricter than some other parents. And both kids' friends hang out at our house a decent amount. I allow sleepovers (and half of DCUM will tell you my kids are "too old" for sleepovers). My kids are 13 and 14 and I don't let them go to parties where an adult will not be home. At some point in high school I certainly will, but not sure exactly when. I also do not yet allow any social media though they both got phones at the start of middle school. Is that overly strict??

Do NOT loosen your restriction on that. Keep that in place until they go off to college. Irreversible mistakes happen all the time at unsupervised teen parties.

[Anonymous]

What you are describing is not strict. It’s parenting. This is saying more about you then you actual strictness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What you are describing is not strict. It’s parenting. This is saying more about you then you actual strictness.

This is what I tell my kids all the time. But they both have some friends who can really do whatever they want. Also, the vast majority of their friends have social media--so while I think that is just good parenting, it does seem I am firmly in the strict camp on that. There are a lot of mental health struggles in my family and I just do not think social media would be good for my kids' mental health. They tell me they understand that, but I still constantly hear, "everyone has Snap, everyone has Insta, everyone has TikTok." Someone said upthread my "good one" will resent me. They are both really good kids. At least for now. And I am willing to bet that at a minimum, the older one will always be a "good kid." But I feel like I need to stick to my beliefs on some of these things.

[Anonymous]

I’m getting far enough along in parenting that I am seeing that in fact there are some parents who literally place zero boundaries on their kids. It’s kind of wild. For those kids, I have no issue keeping to my own rules because it’s so clear (no, my 6 year old will not be playing GTA!)

But OTOH I also know that there are parents that are stricter than me and I would welcome those parents talking to me about it directly. Like I’m perfectly happy to patrol what they watch on TV if there’s something you don’t allow, limit video games, soda, nbd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you are describing is not strict. It’s parenting. This is saying more about you then you actual strictness.

This is what I tell my kids all the time. But they both have some friends who can really do whatever they want. Also, the vast majority of their friends have social media--so while I think that is just good parenting, it does seem I am firmly in the strict camp on that. There are a lot of mental health struggles in my family and I just do not think social media would be good for my kids' mental health. They tell me they understand that, but I still constantly hear, "everyone has Snap, everyone has Insta, everyone has TikTok." Someone said upthread my "good one" will resent me. They are both really good kids. At least for now. And I am willing to bet that at a minimum, the older one will always be a "good kid." But I feel like I need to stick to my beliefs on some of these things.

Are you 13:34? I said that your older one will resent you if the boundaries are adjusted for the youngest.

[Anonymous]

I was the "mean parent" another friend of mine the other parents called "sarg"

Yes this does affect friendships.

I allowed my children to take the metro to DC as young as 12 ride, the bus, go places without us like sporting events for example nationals or Caps games. I taught my children to be independent.

But,

What I did not allow was alcohol parties and sleepovers. That made me a "mean, judgemental" blah blah blah

Looking back I would not change a thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you are describing is not strict. It’s parenting. This is saying more about you then you actual strictness.

This is what I tell my kids all the time. But they both have some friends who can really do whatever they want. Also, the vast majority of their friends have social media--so while I think that is just good parenting, it does seem I am firmly in the strict camp on that. There are a lot of mental health struggles in my family and I just do not think social media would be good for my kids' mental health. They tell me they understand that, but I still constantly hear, "everyone has Snap, everyone has Insta, everyone has TikTok." Someone said upthread my "good one" will resent me. They are both really good kids. At least for now. And I am willing to bet that at a minimum, the older one will always be a "good kid." But I feel like I need to stick to my beliefs on some of these things.

Are you 13:34? I said that your older one will resent you if the boundaries are adjusted for the youngest.

I am OP but not 13:34. I took 13:34 to mean loosen the boundaries for a kid who has demonstrated responsibility. Sounds reasonable enough to me, but would not to my other kid, I am sure.

[Anonymous]

I'm far less permissive than most parents I know, and yet my son has a friend with very orthodox parents who have a lot of bright line rules. They manage to stay friends because all the other kids understand the limits and get it when that friend can't be around. They keep him in the circle and respect those boundaries.