Why are relationships so hard?

[Anonymous]

Women are very moody like hormones, menopause, gain weight

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's hard if you put in effort each day. It's like keeping your room clean - if you tidy for 5 minutes in the morning and 5 minutes before bed, your bedroom never gets too messy. But if you don't invest that time and effort, it becomes a HUGE, overwhelming mess.

This is a good analogy and explains why some people don’t seem to “feel” like it’s “hard”, it’s just a habit so they no longer feel the effort.

[Anonymous]

Married 10 years and it's the easiest part of my life. I have high stress job, young kids and other family with a lot of medical complications. Every relationship is different but I don't think it's supposed to be that hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Relationships are like marathons. If you put all of your energy and passion in the first mile you will never complete the race. Too often people are overwhelmed with early relationship passions and never get to really understand and know their partner. A question to ask is could this person be my best friend in 25 years?

Aw, I think I did this with my last boyfriend. It was a lot of fun.
I’m taking this advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Opposite sex romantic relationships seem so hard to me. On one hand you can meet someone feel amazing sparks and it’s incredible. But long-terms relationships are just so much hassle. The disagreements and being taken for granted. It’s so frustrating!

Fascinating.

Sounds like close, deep long term relationships are not for you. Pls continue to avoid them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women are very moody like hormones, menopause, gain weight

This.

This is exactly why I am a slob, overweight, never conversate, avoid my kids & home maintenance, and am always on my screens. Women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's hard if you put in effort each day. It's like keeping your room clean - if you tidy for 5 minutes in the morning and 5 minutes before bed, your bedroom never gets too messy. But if you don't invest that time and effort, it becomes a HUGE, overwhelming mess.

This is a great way to think about it. We've been married almost 15 years but we don't let things fester. We spend time together, we listen to each other, and we make sure the other is getting what they need. It's not often hard. Sometimes we will fight and for a few hours things will be tough but then we get to the other side.

Do you find friendships also hard? I've had some close friends for many decades and I've learned that the same rules apply - let the little things go and address the big stuff. No one is perfect and everyone can be annoying but I don't feel like the relationships with those I am close to are very hard.

I do, however, have challenging relationships with people that I have to have in my life but wouldn't chose to if given an option. Those people I generally have communication issues with and they often have issues with many other people so I don't think it's me. I try my best and do what I can to make things pleasant but I also don't have particularly high expectations where they are concerned. It's more enjoy when I can and survive the rest of the time. I would be sad to be married to someone that I felt that way about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Relationships are like marathons. If you put all of your energy and passion in the first mile you will never complete the race. Too often people are overwhelmed with early relationship passions and never get to really understand and know their partner. A question to ask is could this person be my best friend in 25 years?

It’s a marathon with an unknown course and unlimited potential obstacles and midway thru you realise the person you started has turned into stranger, and, oh, you are now your mother.

Good luck training for that!!

I used the marathon analogy for my first marriage. We had talked and it sounded like we were both on the same page. Then I realized as I was running that he wasn't by my side anymore and I was really lonely. I thought I had picked someone who would be my running partner (figuratively speaking, I actually hate running), but it turns out he was just saying those things and didn't mean any of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Opposite sex romantic relationships seem so hard to me. On one hand you can meet someone feel amazing sparks and it’s incredible. But long-terms relationships are just so much hassle. The disagreements and being taken for granted. It’s so frustrating!

Yes, because you have to consider the other person's needs, feelings and wishes. To maintain a relationship you have to give and receive. You have to grow together and sometimes that means giving up behaviors, habits and ideas which don't fit into your future. Dh and I are both middle kids and I think it gave us the skills needed for a successful relationship.

Can others talk about behaviors, habits, or ideas they’ve given up to be in a relationship? Or things you partner had to give up?

I think less about what I have given up and more about what I am giving.

My husband grew up with a verbally abusive dad and very little love in his house. As a result, words of encouragement mean a lot to him, so I do my best to make sure I verbalize if I'm thankful he has done something, that I love him, that I appreciate him, etc.

My house was full of love and saying we loved each other so for me it's acts of service. Not that words don't mean anything to me, but I've learned that some people say things and don't mean them/don't back them up with actions. So my husband is good about doing little things for me to show his love.

I'm trying to think of anything we've given up to be together and I can't. We each have things that we like that the other doesn't so we make sure to give each other the space to enjoy those things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read something interesting said by Cindy Crawford's husband. "Cindy and I were friends before we started dating and we're still friends". Not a bad way to look at it.

My husband and I were very good friends for about three years before we finally got together. We’ve been happily married 32 years and being good friends really helped.

Same for us except we’ve been married 24 years. I don’t find it work at all, even when our kids were little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Relationships are like marathons. If you put all of your energy and passion in the first mile you will never complete the race. Too often people are overwhelmed with early relationship passions and never get to really understand and know their partner. A question to ask is could this person be my best friend in 25 years?

It’s a marathon with an unknown course and unlimited potential obstacles and midway thru you realise the person you started has turned into stranger, and, oh, you are now your mother.

Good luck training for that!!

I used the marathon analogy for my first marriage. We had talked and it sounded like we were both on the same page. Then I realized as I was running that he wasn't by my side anymore and I was really lonely. I thought I had picked someone who would be my running partner (figuratively speaking, I actually hate running), but it turns out he was just saying those things and didn't mean any of them.

How long did it take for you to know this? And what sort of things made you feel this way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women are very moody like hormones, menopause, gain weight

You do know that, at certain points in life, that is due to biology. LITERAL body changes they can't control. And many doctors are not adept at identifying and counseling women through it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Relationships are like marathons. If you put all of your energy and passion in the first mile you will never complete the race. Too often people are overwhelmed with early relationship passions and never get to really understand and know their partner. A question to ask is could this person be my best friend in 25 years?

It’s a marathon with an unknown course and unlimited potential obstacles and midway thru you realise the person you started has turned into stranger, and, oh, you are now your mother.

Good luck training for that!!

I used the marathon analogy for my first marriage. We had talked and it sounded like we were both on the same page. Then I realized as I was running that he wasn't by my side anymore and I was really lonely. I thought I had picked someone who would be my running partner (figuratively speaking, I actually hate running), but it turns out he was just saying those things and didn't mean any of them.

How long did it take for you to know this? And what sort of things made you feel this way?

We started dating when I was 21 and we were together for almost a decade, three of which we were married when I realized we had no future. We hadn't had kids thankfully because I realized he wasn't going to be an equal partner.

When we started dating we discussed our plans for the future and what we wanted to accomplish. I did them all (graduated from college, went to grad school, got another professional degree, got the job I wanted, saved money for a house, etc.). He didn't do any of them (no grad school, no real career path, no commitment to hobbies). We got a dog because we both wanted one and I ended up being the one who did all the work. We planned a trip to Europe but then he didn't save towards it and didn't help with the planning. I could go on and on.

He was a nice guy, and we rarely fought. He really was a good friend to me. But then one day he mentioned wanting to pick up a new hobby (after saying this a million times and never following through) and I just said I was done. He wasn't a bad person but we were a bad match. I needed someone who was going to run through life with me and he deserved someone who would appreciate him for who he was.

I am now very happily married to my equal. I know he got married at some point but we are not in touch so I don't know if he's happy or if they're even still together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women are very moody like hormones, menopause, gain weight

You do know that, at certain points in life, that is due to biology. LITERAL body changes they can't control. And many doctors are not adept at identifying and counseling women through it.

Such as a first-world problem, in the absence of true hardships, the small ones become the focus and are promoted to being a big deal. Many people need a reality check and to see how women from foreign countries are eager to come to the US to find an American husband. Other cultures are very hard on women, while the US is the complete opposite. This has led to a situation where some believe American women have become overbearing, not worth the effort, and prone to overreacting over minor things. Staying in shape and managing hormone changes may not be difficult, but in the absence of real hardships, there's a tendency to make everything about oneself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women are very moody like hormones, menopause, gain weight

You do know that, at certain points in life, that is due to biology. LITERAL body changes they can't control. And many doctors are not adept at identifying and counseling women through it.

Such as a first-world problem, in the absence of true hardships, the small ones become the focus and are promoted to being a big deal. Many people need a reality check and to see how women from foreign countries are eager to come to the US to find an American husband. Other cultures are very hard on women, while the US is the complete opposite. This has led to a situation where some believe American women have become overbearing, not worth the effort, and prone to overreacting over minor things. Staying in shape and managing hormone changes may not be difficult, but in the absence of real hardships, there's a tendency to make everything about oneself.

Just because women in other countries have it worse, doesn't mean that women in this country have it easy. The US is not the "complete opposite" of other countries in all respects. and in some ways it is very hard on women. Just read the threads on this board.

And with all due respect, menopause is one of those things that is hard. You've become shriveled and disposable in society. Overlooked. Many doctors don't know how to effectively manage it. Or even recognize it. (Ask me how I know). It has a really negative effect, physically and mentally, on women that simply "just work out more" won't help. And shame on you for putting it in some "doesn't matter" box.