Can I confess this? Still feeling guilty.

[Anonymous]

OP- what was the timeline between you getting the text ant the death? A couple hours??? A couple days?

Why didn’t you tell him after you found out that grandfather had passed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The drama and feelings between DH and his grandfather are theirs -- and you don't bear any responsibility there at all. Certainly not because of one text from a man who was literally dying. You need to let yourself off the hook completely from these feelings of guilt you are having. You don't need to tell DH anything. Delete the text, talk to the spirit of the Grandfather about how you need to delete it and move on if that might help you, and then let it all go and move on.

Agree. I wouldn't tell your DH because that gives him an opportunity to ruminate more and be sad. Grandpa should have texted DH if he wanted to make up. You are not responsible for their estrangement or lack of final reconciliation. Even if you got one text.

[Anonymous]

I would take this one to your own grave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:+1 to letting yourself off the hook. You weren't wrong to think there was an element of manipulation in the text. Grandpa could have texted your DH. Grandpa could have texted you that he was dying. Someone else in the family or a family friend could have been asked to contact your DH. To me, it feels like there's something petty and revengeful in that text. Let it go. Hugs.

Oh - I also wouldn't tell your DH. What would be the point? It doesn't change anything and he likely already has conflicting/unresolved feelings. Spare him.

+1

[Anonymous]

So you thought grandpa was playing a game and guilting you but not really sick?
It was crappy you said nothing. So you have to decide if you can mentally bear keeping this secret from your DH. You are clearly posting because this is weighing on you heavily, even years later.
I personally, could not take that kind of mental self-torture, I would tell DH.

[Anonymous]

Agree with letting it go. There were years of relationship dynamics that predate your marriage that went into this. You can’t put the weight of this on you.

It’s likely if you HAD told your husband, he would have also viewed the text as manipulation and not reached out to his dad, which would make him feel even worse than he does now. It sounds like the death was unexpected, that’s always hard because you don’t get closure. You’re assuming if you’d told your DH he would have taken quick action to reach out to his dad before he died and now have closure… I think that’s unlikely. If anything, I think you probably saved DH from additional guilt.

[Anonymous]

I had some more thoughts about this.

Whoever knew about the hospitalization maybe could have reached out as well to effect this possible reconciliation.

Also the fact that you didn't trust grandpa's motives really puts the burden back on grandpa's accountability for the situation.

I don't think closure can fully make up for previous disagreements and relationship problems. Sometimes even being able to have a last exchange of feelings/words doesn't resolve the hurt feelings. This is why it's important to consistently get along with relatives vs. trying to make up at the end.

[Anonymous]

Agree with letting yourself off the hook, OP. I’d GP was hours from dying, he had a lot going on and certainly wasn’t hovering by his phone hoping for a reconciliation. He probably sent off a bunch of texts and then very soon wasn’t even able to read any replies. So even if you had responded, he probably wouldn’t have even been able to read or comprehend it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it would be nice to let your DH if your DH may feel any guilt himself for cutting off the relationship -- your DH mattered to him

Says who? He didn’t text his grandson, he texted his grandson’s WIFE!

Maybe grandson had blocked him and the grandfather was trying to find a way to reach out to them.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like grandpa was a capital A ahole. Honestly, it sounds like he would have used his illness against DH anyways.

If he passed within a day, it's unlikely you could have changed anything. I think you need to forgive yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow op, that’s pretty awful to keep this a secret. It could mean the world to your dh that his grandfather was thinking of him before his death.

Yikes, hiding this would make me lose trust in you.

He wasn't thinking of dh? He was thinking of dh wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow op, that’s pretty awful to keep this a secret. It could mean the world to your dh that his grandfather was thinking of him before his death.

Yikes, hiding this would make me lose trust in you.

He wasn't thinking of dh? He was thinking of dh wife.

You have no idea why he reached out to her instead of him. You know how we could have known? By replying to him.

[Anonymous]

They wouldn't have reconciled; he would have considered it a manipulation to try to get him to reach out to his mother. For the love of God, don't tell him. It's not kind of helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow op, that’s pretty awful to keep this a secret. It could mean the world to your dh that his grandfather was thinking of him before his death.

Yikes, hiding this would make me lose trust in you.

He wasn't thinking of dh? He was thinking of dh wife.

You have no idea why he reached out to her instead of him. You know how we could have known? By replying to him.

DP. Oh, we know why he reached out. If he really wanted to reconcile, he would have had someone else reach out to his grandson, not his grandson's DW. In fact, it would have been easier for him to ask someone to do it rather than texting himself. There is really only one reason OP got that text.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with letting it go. There were years of relationship dynamics that predate your marriage that went into this. You can’t put the weight of this on you.

It’s likely if you HAD told your husband, he would have also viewed the text as manipulation and not reached out to his dad, which would make him feel even worse than he does now. It sounds like the death was unexpected, that’s always hard because you don’t get closure. You’re assuming if you’d told your DH he would have taken quick action to reach out to his dad before he died and now have closure… I think that’s unlikely. If anything, I think you probably saved DH from additional guilt.

I agree with this. You’re saving DH from guilt. And I agree with another PP that the text was manipulative to start with. Why not send to DH? why not say he’s in the hospital? You tried to make the right call at the time.