Can I confess this? Still feeling guilty.

[Anonymous]

I was always very close with DH’s maternal grandfather. He was always very nice to me, and he accepted me as one of his own. DH and his mom have always have a really contentious relationship, always cutting off contact and then starting the cycle all over again. After one of their biggest disagreements, and during one of their longest bouts of no-contact, his grandpa tried his best to get DH to forgive his mother, guilting him with the usual “but she’s family” lines. He politely told him it wasn’t going to happen, not yet, not for him, not this time. That’s when grandpa turned on DH, saying some really cruel and hurtful things, and DH stopped talking to him, too. Then grandpa fell sick, was hospitalized and quickly, within the day, died. Sometime during his hospitalization, he sent me a text: “I just wanted you to know I’m sick.”

I never told DH. At the time we didn’t even know he was in the hospital and so I thought, you’re not going to use me to get to DH. But then we found out he had died. Immediately after I still didn’t tell DH because I thought, why upset him? Nothing can be done now. We didn’t know what we didn’t know. Plus, the man was dying and it’s possible he didn’t even mean to text me. It’s been years and DH still harbors hurt over the final treatment of his grandfather, and I don’t think I’ll ever tell him about the text. But somehow the text and the burden of its secret, and what might have happened HAD I told DH about it (would they have reconciled and been able to speak one final time?) and it feels like a huge burden and I feel absolutely horrible about it, and so guilty.

[Anonymous]

I would not tell. What possible good could it do your DH? Only make him feel guilt and possibly anger at you (anger is part of the grief process and manifests itself in misdirected ways at times.)

[Anonymous]

Normally I say what they don't know can't hurt them, but this feels very minor to me compared to your guilt. It sounds like you left a text unanswered for a few hours and the grandfather died? Who could have guessed that? Plus who knows if you may have told DH about it later that day or the next day. I would just tell him or decide to let yourself off the hook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Normally I say what they don't know can't hurt them, but this feels very minor to me compared to your guilt. It sounds like you left a text unanswered for a few hours and the grandfather died? Who could have guessed that? Plus who knows if you may have told DH about it later that day or the next day. I would just tell him or decide to let yourself off the hook.

First PP here….OP should definitely let herself off the hook. Delete the text and forget it happened!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Normally I say what they don't know can't hurt them, but this feels very minor to me compared to your guilt. It sounds like you left a text unanswered for a few hours and the grandfather died? Who could have guessed that? Plus who knows if you may have told DH about it later that day or the next day. I would just tell him or decide to let yourself off the hook.

Thanks. When you phrase it that way, it makes a lot of sense and does make it seem like a non-issue. I’ve been letting it bother me a whole lot lately and I’m not sure why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Normally I say what they don't know can't hurt them, but this feels very minor to me compared to your guilt. It sounds like you left a text unanswered for a few hours and the grandfather died? Who could have guessed that? Plus who knows if you may have told DH about it later that day or the next day. I would just tell him or decide to let yourself off the hook.

First PP here….OP should definitely let herself off the hook. Delete the text and forget it happened!

Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Normally I say what they don't know can't hurt them, but this feels very minor to me compared to your guilt. It sounds like you left a text unanswered for a few hours and the grandfather died? Who could have guessed that? Plus who knows if you may have told DH about it later that day or the next day. I would just tell him or decide to let yourself off the hook.

Thanks. When you phrase it that way, it makes a lot of sense and does make it seem like a non-issue. I’ve been letting it bother me a whole lot lately and I’m not sure why.

Don't give it another thought- not every text gets an immediate answer, and that's normal. Heck in the old days this would have been left on an answering machine if you weren't home and the same thing could have happened.

[Anonymous]

If he said he was dying, I would understand the guilt in not passing it to your DH. Saying you’re sick does not have the same sense of urgency and importance. Forgive yourself and delete the text.

[Anonymous]

The drama and feelings between DH and his grandfather are theirs -- and you don't bear any responsibility there at all. Certainly not because of one text from a man who was literally dying. You need to let yourself off the hook completely from these feelings of guilt you are having. You don't need to tell DH anything. Delete the text, talk to the spirit of the Grandfather about how you need to delete it and move on if that might help you, and then let it all go and move on.

[Anonymous]

I think it would be nice to let your DH if your DH may feel any guilt himself for cutting off the relationship -- your DH mattered to him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it would be nice to let your DH if your DH may feel any guilt himself for cutting off the relationship -- your DH mattered to him

Says who? He didn’t text his grandson, he texted his grandson’s WIFE!

[Anonymous]

+1 to letting yourself off the hook. You weren't wrong to think there was an element of manipulation in the text. Grandpa could have texted your DH. Grandpa could have texted you that he was dying. Someone else in the family or a family friend could have been asked to contact your DH. To me, it feels like there's something petty and revengeful in that text. Let it go. Hugs.

Oh - I also wouldn't tell your DH. What would be the point? It doesn't change anything and he likely already has conflicting/unresolved feelings. Spare him.

[Anonymous]

Wow op, that’s pretty awful to keep this a secret. It could mean the world to your dh that his grandfather was thinking of him before his death.

Yikes, hiding this would make me lose trust in you.

[Anonymous]

There’s no way I would have kept this secret at the time but you’re in it now. Start a podcast or something.

[Anonymous]

Grandpa probably didn’t know he was on his deathbed himself, not to mention you. You were being a good protective friend to your DH who was hurt by the cruel words spewed by grandpa.

You seem haunted by this secret—maybe because of DH’s lingering hurt—and might want to consider sharing this and your thought process and apologize. Your DH might feel better knowing grandpa thought of your family. I personally would like to know what the last communication from a deceased loved one would was. But only you will know what you need to do.