When your friend is in a different financial spot than you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I prefer hanging out with people around my level personally. Rich people are clueless and annoying.

That's how I know you don't have much money. You invent excuses for why being rich isn't good.


I've grown apart from the friends who make substantially less and even substantially more than I do. Happens to most people. You get busy with your own lives and your immediate circles and wealth does pull people apart into different circles.

[Anonymous]

I have been in different phases of my life the poor friend and the wealthy friend. In general it makes sense to choose things that both friends can comfortably afford to do and it’s important for everyone to feel comfortable in saying that something doesn’t fit into their budget and the other person being willing to take that at face value (no one wants to get into it about whether they can actually afford dinner at that one restaurant, etc). Sometimes I have treated/been treated but that’s generally for special occasions or one-offs not a regular thing and one shouldn’t expect it every time. It should also be stated upfront — “Hey do you want to go see this show? My treat!” — rather than awkwardly tried to figure out when the check comes.

[Anonymous]

I grew up poor and most of my childhood friends are LMC/MC. My friends from college and grad school are UMC but my DH earns several million dollars per year. The difference between my friends, whether they earn 50k or 400k, is my husband earns more money than their husbands. My friends range from feds to lawyers and various types of consultants.

I usually treat my childhood or divorced or single mom friends. These are the friends who have HHI of around 100k or less. My friends who are UMC (guessing HHI 200-500k), we split and I usually defer to where they want to go.

DH is probably the highest earner among his friends from childhood and grad school. He does have professional colleagues who earn similarly and we hang out with them occasionally but it is more for business at holiday parties. We aren’t traveling with them for summer vacation.

[Anonymous]

Pp again. I have treated my childhood best friend on multiple trips. We share a room and have a great time. She is now divorced. I pay for her flight, hotel and food. She has never asked me for money and I have never given her money. I don’t buy her material items but I have treated her to meals, spas and tickets to concerts and shows.

In the earlier years, I may have paid for just the hotel and she paid for her flight only. Then it became I used my points to cover her airfare. Now I just pay for her. We have only been away once since 2020. I used both expiring flight credit and hotel points for that trip. I don’t think she feels as comfortable accepting from me. She used to be excited and happy to travel together when we were younger. Now she seems down since her divorce.

I made some new friends who all have modest incomes. Their husbands also have modest incomes (feds or similar). Money seems tight for them. I often host and try to do cheaper or free activities with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I prefer hanging out with people around my level personally. Rich people are clueless and annoying.

That's how I know you don't have much money. You invent excuses for why being rich isn't good.


I've grown apart from the friends who make substantially less and even substantially more than I do. Happens to most people. You get busy with your own lives and your immediate circles and wealth does pull people apart into different circles.

That isn’t fair. I was the poor friend when I was younger. Now I’m the rich friend only because my husband has done very well. He also grew up poor but now earns millions per year. We are the same people.

We live in a large home well suited for entertaining. I feel some people get intimidated by our 10,000sf house and they don’t ever invite us to their casual gatherings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I prefer hanging out with people around my level personally. Rich people are clueless and annoying.

That's how I know you don't have much money. You invent excuses for why being rich isn't good.


I've grown apart from the friends who make substantially less and even substantially more than I do. Happens to most people. You get busy with your own lives and your immediate circles and wealth does pull people apart into different circles.

That isn’t fair. I was the poor friend when I was younger. Now I’m the rich friend only because my husband has done very well. He also grew up poor but now earns millions per year. We are the same people.

We live in a large home well suited for entertaining. I feel some people get intimidated by our 10,000sf house and they don’t ever invite us to their casual gatherings.

Nobody is the same as they were 0-25, I mean hopefully.

[Anonymous]

Truth: I feel very uncomfortable around rich people. Our hhi is now 300k which is recent, we live a middle class life. Our home is normal. I do not like being in a rich person's home. I don't feel at ease and feel like I am being judged as inadequate, which I actually don't think is just in my head at all. I also do not want dinners out with rich people, the ordering situation, the conversations...Just not for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's really not that hard. Just do stuff the less wealthy friend can afford. Host each other for meals at home (if its your second or third home, fine), go to local events, affordable restaurants, breweries, etc. Make it easy for them to reciprocate. Enjoy each other's company.

I don't expect my better-off friends to pay for me when we go out, and definitely not give gifts or loans, but I do expect them not to put me in a difficult position by thinking only expensive stuff is fun.

This…

Except I stay in their vacation homes for free, my good friend who travels a lot for work… I pay for my flight and pretty much everything else is on her (her business). Her H is sick of the travel and she gets lonely.

[Anonymous]

One thing is for sure if you are the wealthier friend - do NOT go out for dinner, earn more than your less wealthy friend, and then suggest you split the bill rather than itemize. "Oh it all comes out in the wash."

Nah, if I drank tap water and ordered one dish and no appetizers and dessert...it's for a reason. I'm budgeting. I can go out to dinner and spend, say, thirty or forty books. If your portion is eighty or ninety bucks, and you make more than me, I don't want to subsidize your meal.

-former public interest lawyer with lots of inhouse and biglaw friends. I have more money now, but in my thirties, this behavior from my friends really irked me.
And no I don't want to go to Chiptole and split the bill instead. Let me go to the nicer places with you and order strategically.

[Anonymous]

Dh and I are more well-off than most of our friends, but not by a ton. When we go out, we dont go to expensive places, and sometimes I pick up the tab for smaller things (ie buying meat to bbq at a friends house or bringing takeout). I've never felt weird about it.

This summer, we are supposed to join DH's family member for a birthday trip. They make much more than us, and want to do some expensive things. I think the biggest expensive things will be covered (yacht trips etc), but we will still be responsible for hotels and meals. Will be a different experience for sure! I'm expecting to drop a good bit $$, but I think it will be worth it.

[Anonymous]

It depends, generally we just do less expensive things. NBD
If they are going through something like a medical crisis in their family or divorce, we try to help out in ways that work for the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's really not that hard. Just do stuff the less wealthy friend can afford. Host each other for meals at home (if its your second or third home, fine), go to local events, affordable restaurants, breweries, etc. Make it easy for them to reciprocate. Enjoy each other's company.

I don't expect my better-off friends to pay for me when we go out, and definitely not give gifts or loans, but I do expect them not to put me in a difficult position by thinking only expensive stuff is fun.

+1 Agree.

Like attracts like, OP. If you are (truly) down to earth, then you should attract the same. DH and I both grew up in wealthy areas, many of our friends have always had money. Some of our friends have not, and remember what life was like back when, which is actually fun. We have lifelong friends (30+ years), and more recent friends (15+ years) and even some that are more recent.

DH and I were not wealthy, and we each paid for our own undergrad, grad, professional schools, wedding, house, cars, day care, you name it. No parental help, not even help with our children or babysitting, which is fine. DH and I have no expectations that anything should be "easy" or "free" or even "low cost". No one is bailing us out. We have little in common with those who expect things from people (especially monetarily). We are apprehensive about those who are one way and tend to use phrases like "let the rich friend treat you" (we have heard it) and are usually expecting handouts, it seems. It is a weird feeling, as if you are being tapped for their next ask, and it is unsettling. We don't consider them to be friends.

We tend to appreciate, and probably favor, those who are independent, self driven, and have truly created their own paths. We know of some pretty colossal first hand stories. We try to stay away from people who are easily impressed.

We tend to be frugal, because we know that there are no grandparents to pay when college time comes, for example. We drive nice but older cars and keep them in shape (one example). We tend to do our own thing, and have our own enjoyments, and spend our leisure time doing fun, cheap things. We try to remember what being grateful truly means.

We do have a dear, longterm couple friend who gets great seats to something who has asked us a few times, and are stumped how to repay them, because they have truly (really) everything, but we want to do something nice without making a show of it. (As a side note if anyone has ideas, that would be much appreciated, as we are out of our realm).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's really not that hard. Just do stuff the less wealthy friend can afford. Host each other for meals at home (if its your second or third home, fine), go to local events, affordable restaurants, breweries, etc. Make it easy for them to reciprocate. Enjoy each other's company.

I don't expect my better-off friends to pay for me when we go out, and definitely not give gifts or loans, but I do expect them not to put me in a difficult position by thinking only expensive stuff is fun.

This…

Except I stay in their vacation homes for free, my good friend who travels a lot for work… I pay for my flight and pretty much everything else is on her (her business). Her H is sick of the travel and she gets lonely.

LOL. Is there someone on this board today angling to use someone's vacation home? This is the second thread I have read which eluded to that topic. For the record: I don't think they want you to use it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Truth: I feel very uncomfortable around rich people. Our hhi is now 300k which is recent, we live a middle class life. Our home is normal. I do not like being in a rich person's home. I don't feel at ease and feel like I am being judged as inadequate, which I actually don't think is just in my head at all. I also do not want dinners out with rich people, the ordering situation, the conversations...Just not for me.

i get you. i used feel this way when I was very poor and some of my family members were on the opposite end - think surgeons, businessmen, etc. Now that I'm UMC and worth north over $8m or so, I still feel that way because someone will always be richer and want to engage in certain conversations that only rich folk engage in. I agree with other posters that money is just a nasty divider.....you end up hanging with those closest resembling your financial status.

[Anonymous]

I'd rather be around poor people than the so called wealthy posting here.

Shallow is so appropriate.