When your friend is in a different financial spot than you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Truth: I feel very uncomfortable around rich people. Our hhi is now 300k which is recent, we live a middle class life. Our home is normal. I do not like being in a rich person's home. I don't feel at ease and feel like I am being judged as inadequate, which I actually don't think is just in my head at all. I also do not want dinners out with rich people, the ordering situation, the conversations...Just not for me.

300k HHI is not a middle class income. You may feel more comfortable living what you call a "middle class life" but the truth is that you live an UMC life in what you are able to save and the more choices in every area that are available to you that most middle income Americans do not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Truth: I feel very uncomfortable around rich people. Our hhi is now 300k which is recent, we live a middle class life. Our home is normal. I do not like being in a rich person's home. I don't feel at ease and feel like I am being judged as inadequate, which I actually don't think is just in my head at all. I also do not want dinners out with rich people, the ordering situation, the conversations...Just not for me.

300k HHI is not a middle class income. You may feel more comfortable living what you call a "middle class life" but the truth is that you live an UMC life in what you are able to save and the more choices in every area that are available to you that most middle income Americans do not.

I said I live a middle class life. My house cost 400k, my car is old. I sleep well at night because yes, I have savings to fall back on. I am grateful for that. I don't struggle. It doesn't change my answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We were tired of having to lower our standards when traveling or going out with our friends. We decided to build new friendships with people who could afford to do the same things we do.
Hanging out with people from a different economic class is difficult. We are still friends with our old friends but it’s no longer the same friendship.

Wow- is this serious? I guess I am the opposite- I have close friends that I have had since grade school. We do spend time together and finances don’t matter. One of my closest friends is a multi millionaire and one is a single parent doing the best that she can.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who makes significantly less and consistently tries to pay for our dinner etc. Maybe she doesn’t actually know the income and net worth differential and it’s not something I’m going to spell out, or maybe it makes her uncomfortable to be invited, I don’t know.

I always insist we split it - we order pretty equally- or I pay. Particularly at a more expensive place. Once in a while if it’s a cheaper place I give in and let her pay not to make a big deal about it.

[Anonymous]

Am I the only person who would like to spend time with a friend by going for a walk and window shopping and then enjoying a glass of wine and an appetizer/small plate and calling it a night? I also like used bookstores, museums, and birdcount/birding activities. None of these things cost a lot of money and can be engaged in no matter the class level. It is finding the like minded people that is the hardest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's really not that hard. Just do stuff the less wealthy friend can afford. Host each other for meals at home (if its your second or third home, fine), go to local events, affordable restaurants, breweries, etc. Make it easy for them to reciprocate. Enjoy each other's company.

I don't expect my better-off friends to pay for me when we go out, and definitely not give gifts or loans, but I do expect them not to put me in a difficult position by thinking only expensive stuff is fun.

Same.

It’s kind of wealthier friends to pay but I tend to feel awkward when this happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have grown apart from friends with different lifestyles because I don’t budget as they do. They prefer to spend time with other people whose budgets align with theirs. I guess we weren’t really friends after all, but some friendships have a season. Very few are long term.

I don't think that means you weren't really friends. It just means that your priorities are not the same as theirs... and THAT naturally sets you on different paths in life.

Long term, people who have saved will have $$$ to do fun things. People who enjoyed a lot of products or experiences instead of saving will have their memories to enjoy, but they won't be able to do what the savers want to do later on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's really not that hard. Just do stuff the less wealthy friend can afford. Host each other for meals at home (if its your second or third home, fine), go to local events, affordable restaurants, breweries, etc. Make it easy for them to reciprocate. Enjoy each other's company.

I don't expect my better-off friends to pay for me when we go out, and definitely not give gifts or loans, but I do expect them not to put me in a difficult position by thinking only expensive stuff is fun.

THIS. 100%.

[Anonymous]

My circle is varied. I’m on the poorer end but have a wealthy mom friend, we go for walks/hikes together without our kids, meet for coffee, we also do stuff with our kids and sign them up for a couple of the same camps and carpool each summer.
It’s not hard.
She goes for massages weekly but doesn’t talk to me about it obsessively because for me it’s a special occasion thing.

[Anonymous]

My closest friend has less money. For big occasions - my 50th birthday in Vegas - I paid for dinners for her so I could eat where I wanted, but I went to the spa while she chilled at the pool. 90% of the time we do things she can afford. I have other friends and acquaintances who can afford expensive dinners and vacations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you handle it? Does it cause distance between you?

If you're the better off friend, do you do anything to share the wealth - such as treat for dinners, or even vacations, make loans, gifts, etc.? If you're the less well off friend, how have/would you react to gestures like this?

Basically looking for success stories of how to keep close with a friend who is in a different financial universe than you.

It’s not an issue. We get coffee, we talk, we get lunch. We split the bill or pay for what we get.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only person who would like to spend time with a friend by going for a walk and window shopping and then enjoying a glass of wine and an appetizer/small plate and calling it a night? I also like used bookstores, museums, and birdcount/birding activities. None of these things cost a lot of money and can be engaged in no matter the class level. It is finding the like minded people that is the hardest.

I like all those things best too. I have not had friends in a very long time, years. I really can't relate to big groups of girlfriends, lavish parties, dinners out as couples...I have zero desire to do any of this.

[Anonymous]

I came from UMC and married into an extremely wealthy family. My best friend was hyper sensitive, made everything about money, talked about all of the ways I should personally be helping her family. It got very toxic and I ended up ending the friendship. Sad but I think insecurities can quickly get in the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Truth: I feel very uncomfortable around rich people. Our hhi is now 300k which is recent, we live a middle class life. Our home is normal. I do not like being in a rich person's home. I don't feel at ease and feel like I am being judged as inadequate, which I actually don't think is just in my head at all. I also do not want dinners out with rich people, the ordering situation, the conversations...Just not for me.

300k HHI is not a middle class income. You may feel more comfortable living what you call a "middle class life" but the truth is that you live an UMC life in what you are able to save and the more choices in every area that are available to you that most middle income Americans do not.

It is middle class around here especially if you have kids.

[Anonymous]

Over time all of our friends have been pretty successful to varying degrees. We have a very high net worth but day to day we don’t spend like we do except when we go on vacation. So day to day I don’t really worry about a disparity.