DH Ignoring Personal Health

[Anonymous]

DO NOT LET IT GO or you'll be care giving long before you expected to.

Since he's willing to track his snoring on the app, perhaps a couple more gentle nudges will get him to the sleep clinic? Lack of sleep leads to poor diet choices and lack of desire to exercise....he could very well have aches and pains from the weight gain as well.

Yes, get used to hiking solo for a bit but counseling sounds like a good idea and if he refuses that, well then that's another conversation.....hoping things turn around soon for you OP...at least some glimmer that he gives a damn about himself would be helpful right about now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you me, OP? Because the parallels are eerie. DH, 61, former athlete, hips replaced, gut, had a c-pap but has stopped, won’t go on walks, lousy at portion control and understanding basic nutrition, etc. It’s beyond frustrating and I’ve lost hope. Three months ago he went on Ozempic but is about to quit as it did nothing for him.

He may need dose adjusted.

Cooking less helps with portion control.

He might do better with another style mask for the c-pap?

[Anonymous]

A lot of men are like this. At least your DH went in for a physical. My DH, who has incredible, zero-copay medical insurance, is 61 and has never had a physical, doesn't see doctors (or dentists), and does nothing proactive to stay healthy. He is also about 50 lbs. overweight. His only activity is golf, which isn't that strenuous since they ride carts from hole to hole. There's nothing I can do about it. I cook healthy food at home and am working hard on my own weight, activity level, and general health so that hopefully one of us will be fit going into advanced old age. It is very hard to tell an adult what to do. They will do something if and when they're ready. Sometimes it takes something to shock them into action, like a health scare or the illness/death of someone close to them who is their age.

[Anonymous]

Op here’s my thought about a possible process.

1) sleep first, if he’s concerned enough to download sleep app see if you can’t et him to a sleep study. If he has apnea tmfinti step 2!(even if he doesn’t).

2) tackle weight lose (apnea is a good way in but not only one). Maybe/hopefully his pcp is on board. He might do well on one if the new drugs. Will definitely change his habits around portion size.

3) exercise comes third . He will be more motivated if he’s sleeping better and losing weight. It’s critical to health but it’s clear he’s not currently in a place to really do a program. Dealing with weight and food first may really help.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

What is with all of you thinking you have some role here? Show love in other ways. Sounds like you are ruining the present in order to (try to) secure a particular health outcome for the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:let it go Op

NP. I wouldn’t even be able to make myself have sex with someone 50 lbs overweight (especially if they were able to do something about it and wouldn’t). Bedsides that, she probably doesn’t want to lose her DH at a young age because of health problems. No way would I let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of men are like this. At least your DH went in for a physical. My DH, who has incredible, zero-copay medical insurance, is 61 and has never had a physical, doesn't see doctors (or dentists), and does nothing proactive to stay healthy. He is also about 50 lbs. overweight. His only activity is golf, which isn't that strenuous since they ride carts from hole to hole. There's nothing I can do about it. I cook healthy food at home and am working hard on my own weight, activity level, and general health so that hopefully one of us will be fit going into advanced old age. It is very hard to tell an adult what to do. They will do something if and when they're ready. Sometimes it takes something to shock them into action, like a health scare or the illness/death of someone close to them who is their age.

My DH never went to the doctor for physicals. Then one time he had an infected bug bite, went to urgent care, and found out he had high blood pressure. That finally scared him into going for a physical and now he’s at least taking care of his health.

[Anonymous]

109 percent agree with the advice about fixing sleep apnea and then diet and exercise is third. For most people weight loss happens in the kitchen. You cannot outrun a bad diet. Once he loses weight hopefully it will be easier to be active.

[Anonymous]

Oh dear, I have same. He got sick of my nagging, he received it as criticism. I don't bother anymore. I go to gym and invite him. I prepare good healthy meals, but he has to get his own desserts and junk food.

[Anonymous]

You can't outrun your fork. I've gained and lost weight several times in my life, and exercise is something you lose weight so that you can do it and it's more fun, not something that by itself is going to do much to budge the weight.

I agree that looking into a GLP-1 is a good way to go -- I'd recommend Zepbound over Wegovy. More effective and fewer side effects IME.

But it's also not your job to get your DH in shape. I do highly recommend marriage counseling and individual therapy. You can't change someone else -- you can only change yourself. If your DH refuses to do the work to change himself so that he can be healthy and active (or at least not a total couch potato) with you, then you need to take a long, hard look at whether you want to stay married to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of men are like this. At least your DH went in for a physical. My DH, who has incredible, zero-copay medical insurance, is 61 and has never had a physical, doesn't see doctors (or dentists), and does nothing proactive to stay healthy. He is also about 50 lbs. overweight. His only activity is golf, which isn't that strenuous since they ride carts from hole to hole. There's nothing I can do about it. I cook healthy food at home and am working hard on my own weight, activity level, and general health so that hopefully one of us will be fit going into advanced old age. It is very hard to tell an adult what to do. They will do something if and when they're ready. Sometimes it takes something to shock them into action, like a health scare or the illness/death of someone close to them who is their age.

My DH never went to the doctor for physicals. Then one time he had an infected bug bite, went to urgent care, and found out he had high blood pressure. That finally scared him into going for a physical and now he’s at least taking care of his health.

This made me think of how I got my husband doing checkups. He never went to the doctor. Then he got such a bad headache with a virus I was afraid he had an aneurysm. No doctor or urgent care would see him because it was such a bad flu season (pre-Covid) and they said with the worst headache he has ever had he should go directly to the ER. He was desperate for relief so he let me take him, then I had to leave to pick up our kids eventually so he had to be there alone for a while. After they got the headache under control and ruled out an aneurysm, the doctor shamed him and read him the riot act for never going for checkups. They ran a bunch of bloodwork and found he had high cholesterol and a bunch of other manageable issues that could become big problems if he didn't get them under control. Now he goes yearly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't outrun your fork. I've gained and lost weight several times in my life, and exercise is something you lose weight so that you can do it and it's more fun, not something that by itself is going to do much to budge the weight.

I agree that looking into a GLP-1 is a good way to go -- I'd recommend Zepbound over Wegovy. More effective and fewer side effects IME.

But it's also not your job to get your DH in shape. I do highly recommend marriage counseling and individual therapy. You can't change someone else -- you can only change yourself. If your DH refuses to do the work to change himself so that he can be healthy and active (or at least not a total couch potato) with you, then you need to take a long, hard look at whether you want to stay married to him.

If a man posted this, the feminists would destroy him on here.

[Anonymous]

I see no problem with what was said and I consider myself a feminist.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound lonely.

You can't change your DH's activity level. You can, perhaps naturally reduce portion size by cooking less.

It seems really important for you two to connect in ways that work right now. Maybe a weekly date night that is not hiking focused, etc.? With the empty nest stage approaching, time to invest in your relationship. Tell him that you miss sleeping in the same bed and encourage a sleep study and cpap if advised. Physical touch and cuddling is really important for health too. Find a new common hobby (not a sport), plan trips, maybe read and discuss books? Make plans for some of the date nights to be with other couples. Build your community as you are about to shift out of parenting mode. Maybe start here, both of you. Dorky but I know people it has really helped https://5lovelanguages.com/

Try to be less black and white in thinking and less focused on the exercise you do and that he does not. I understand your concerns but there is a lot more to marriages and people than activity. To the extent it is driven by anxiety about health and the future, learn to manage that. We can only control ourselves. I found anxiety went up for me in midlife with hormone shifts and empty nesting looming.

It would be ironic if you divorce because you frayed the connection with lots of time spent separately, sleeping separately, etc. due to "love and concern for his longevity." Connect with your husband. Drop the rope of the power struggle, we cannot change or control other people. Go for strolls together, see movies, go to dinner and concerts, etc. Put deposits in the bank of shared, enjoyed, conflict free time. Love the husband you have.

[Anonymous]

Physicals will be useless. The doc will tell him to lose weight and exercise. Great but your DH already knows he should do this but isn’t doing it.

Encourage him to try the cpap. I never knew how badly I was sleeping until I started using it.

I think the best approach is to sign him up with a personal trainer. Regular sessions are motivating.