DH Ignoring Personal Health

[Anonymous]

DH is 57-has been told for 5/6 years - after yearly physicals that he needs to lose weight. Guessing he’s at least 50 pounds overweight now.

He will very intermittently exercise (we have a treadmill and bike at home) or “train” for something like a twice yearly ski trip. We had a recent argument when I told him that I didn’t understand his approach - working out a few days in a row a week before a ski trip wasn’t helpful. DH was angry with me for saying this. My thinking is, just get in shape, period. He continues to eat huge portions and now has an equally large, overhanging belly that is honestly a huge turn off.

DH was a college athlete. I was far from athletic but have always liked swimming, yoga, dance, running, hiking. In my 40s, I started running, did a few 5ks, all solo. I got injured, replaced running with hiking and power walking. I hike and walk solo-DH refuses to join me saying he’d rather run if he’s going to work out. I strive for 15 miles a week. Truth is: he can’t keep up with me and won’t try.

Also, he snores - something that’s worsened as he’s gained weight. He is defensive and dismissive about my complaints. He bought ME a sound machine thinking this would solve everything. I’m worried he has sleep apnea. He has downloaded an app to track his snoring after I made this suggestion last night.

All the suggestions I’ve read - to invite your spouse along, be active together, model healthy eating, etc just aren’t working.

Marriage counseling? Work on being kinder and more patient with DH? I’m just so frustrated and hate to think that I’ll be hiking solo for the foreseeable future.

[Anonymous]

It’s like telling your spouse they’re fat and you want them to lose weight- they’ll never do it until they’re ready to do it. I know several men, several in the medical field, who have lost a ton of weight on Wygovy/compounded semaglutide so that may be an option for your husband.

[Anonymous]

Re:sleep apnea. It took years with my husband to finally get evaluated and yes it turns out he has it. He isn't even overweight. I would gently push and then I just gave up. We ended up sleeping in separate rooms due to snoring. When he complained about always being exhausted I said "That must be so frustrating. I'm not going to bring up sleep apnea, because I will trust you know what's best for you." Eventually he got fed up and made the appointment.

Re: weightloss. That's tough. I know quite a few former athletes who are quite overweight. I lost a lot on my own with weightwatchers. Have always loved exercise and was consistent with that. My husband NEVER pushed me to lose weight and if he had, it would have been painful. I would not push your husband. However, I will just put out there maybe he needs group activities. What sport did he play? There are informal adult teams in places for soccer/baseball, etc and tennis clubs. I would stop pushing him. Let his doctors do that. Instead reinforce any efforts he makes whether it's looking into activity groups, working out once in a blue moon or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Sleep apnea can have a big impact on metabolism. A friend's DH tried to lose using meal service and cross fit with no luck. Once he got a C-PAP, 50 lbs came off. High cortisol from gasping for air > high insulin, belly weight gain which is the most unhealthy and fatigue which makes change seem overwhelming.

Does he have any friends who he might want to train for a 5k with? Is his college sport something he could do at rec league level? Sometimes people who were super active when young never dialed in nutrition and portion size.

One guy I know was concerned enough by the data on an Oura ring that he saw his doctor and got a CPAP. Another got a CGM, again, data moved the needle or ignoring health. If he is at all a gadget/toy person, things to consider. Even a Fitbit to document just how sedentary he is. Any chance you could get an active puppy he could walk? A relative's doctor recommended it during lockdown and he reversed his prediabetes that way, just from activity.

It's super frustrating, OP, in a spouse, elderly parent, etc. Your focus on your own health is admirable. Any kids? Are they active? Could DH help them re: a sport and become a bit more fit in the process?

[Anonymous]

OP back and thanks to PPs.

Yes college sport was something he loved but due to an injury and two surgeries he’s been told to avoid. He picked up another sport and had played rec and gets invited weekly to play in two sports leagues but never goes - always saying he has to get in shape to play again.

We are almost empty nesters with athletic, active DC. He coached their sports.

We have a cat and I’ve talked about getting a puppy or even fostering a dog that needs lots of exercise so that I don’t have to be alone on my walks.

Sad and frustrating because as I've gotten fitter and healthier I’ve also gotten lonelier. DH complains I walk too fast and he’ll only go for a light stroll so we are incompatible exercise partners.

Separate bedrooms already due to the snoring but only after he’d wake up to find me in another bedroom. Now he’s regularly sleeping there saying he wants to make sure I get a good night sleep. Like he’s doing me a huge favor.

[Anonymous]

NP. You've received good advice. I'll add two thoughts - 1) on eating - sounds like your husband (similar to mine) has not evolved nutritionally beyond the idea of huge portions. If you are the cook, just stop making them. My husband and one of my kids are Type I diabetics so we strive to be reasonable with carbs. There's a potato side of mine they love and as a family we'll eat as much of it as is served. So I control how much there is. 2) "DH complains I walk too fast and he’ll only go for a light stroll so we are incompatible exercise partners." - this isn't a criticism, but if your husband is willing to go on a light stroll, then maybe this is where you start. Something is better than nothing.

[Anonymous]

If he is a former athlete, wonder if he might enjoy working out with a personal trainer, OP? Perhaps you could gift him some sessions?

[Anonymous]

Sleep in another room. Say that if he wants you to come back, he needs to make an appointment to get checked for sleep apnea.

Apply for life insurance for both of you. Either he'll fail the exam and that could be a wakeup, or he'll get insurance that will help you if he dies. Because at the rate he's going, he will probably die before you.

Beyond that, you can't force him to hike with you, any more than any spouse can require the other to enjoy a hobby. So yes, get a dog. Or join a hiking group (Wanderbirds, PATC, Capital Hiking Club, etc.). Adventures in Good Company has overnight womens-only trips. Plenty of married people with non-hiking spouses in all of those.

You could also try something new to both of you if he's into that. Or do you have bikes? That's good exercise and you can go further than you would walking or running.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. You've received good advice. I'll add two thoughts - 1) on eating - sounds like your husband (similar to mine) has not evolved nutritionally beyond the idea of huge portions. If you are the cook, just stop making them. My husband and one of my kids are Type I diabetics so we strive to be reasonable with carbs. There's a potato side of mine they love and as a family we'll eat as much of it as is served. So I control how much there is. 2) "DH complains I walk too fast and he’ll only go for a light stroll so we are incompatible exercise partners." - this isn't a criticism, but if your husband is willing to go on a light stroll, then maybe this is where you start. Something is better than nothing.

This is good advice re: portions. I actually bought smaller dinnerware. Tricks the eye. Helps the waistline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back and thanks to PPs.

Yes college sport was something he loved but due to an injury and two surgeries he’s been told to avoid. He picked up another sport and had played rec and gets invited weekly to play in two sports leagues but never goes - always saying he has to get in shape to play again.

We are almost empty nesters with athletic, active DC. He coached their sports.

We have a cat and I’ve talked about getting a puppy or even fostering a dog that needs lots of exercise so that I don’t have to be alone on my walks.

Sad and frustrating because as I've gotten fitter and healthier I’ve also gotten lonelier. DH complains I walk too fast and he’ll only go for a light stroll so we are incompatible exercise partners.

Separate bedrooms already due to the snoring but only after he’d wake up to find me in another bedroom. Now he’s regularly sleeping there saying he wants to make sure I get a good night sleep. Like he’s doing me a huge favor.

Go for the light strolls together. Meet him where he is. Do more hard core workouts for yourself separately.

Life insurance is a great idea, my ex-DH flunked the exam and did make some changes as a result.

If there is a sport he's not fit enough to play, get him a personal trainer. Once he is able to do rec level he will appreciate the camaraderie. Manage portion sizes by cooking less. Don't buy junk food to have in the house.

A dog would be a great exercise aid FOR HIM.

What is his A1C like? Liver enzymes?

[Anonymous]

Time apart, doing things on your own if he can't do them with you -- is far better than an unhappy marriage, a marriage where you feel responsible for his health outcome, or a marriage where you are nagging.

[Anonymous]

let it go Op

[Anonymous]

If he wants to stroll, then stroll with him! Get your own workout later. Eventually with enough strolling, he will build endurance and speed. It is not a total plan of course, but it will help. I stroll with my overweight husband who has bad knees. It would be a bit crazy to expect him to keep up. It is a nice couples activity to stroll and talk. Moving through space does not always have to be about your own workout.

[Anonymous]

Low impact exercise— swimming, walking, biking, elliptical. At his age and condition he is likely to get injured doing something like soccer or basketball or even running. Sounds like he knows this intuitively— which is why he says he needs to “get in shape” first.

I am his age, a DH and a former college athlete. It’s often hard to accept that your body can’t do what it used to do, especially when you used to do it (and stay trim) so effortlessly.

Ozempic and similar drugs are making inroads on obesity and, slowly, on insurance coverage. My primary care doc — who advises that I could stand to lose some weight — thinks that these GLP-1 drugs are going to be real game changers, dramatically reducing the incidence of obesity and attendant conditions like diabetes, once insurers start reliably covering them.

[Anonymous]

Are you me, OP? Because the parallels are eerie. DH, 61, former athlete, hips replaced, gut, had a c-pap but has stopped, won’t go on walks, lousy at portion control and understanding basic nutrition, etc. It’s beyond frustrating and I’ve lost hope. Three months ago he went on Ozempic but is about to quit as it did nothing for him.