Shouldering more of the parenting/household work while DW is pregnant, and having mixed feelings about how it’s going

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife is pregnant; she’s 9 weeks, so very early still. We also have a three year old son.

Since our son was born, it’s been a source of tension between us regarding how much of the household work/mental load she takes on. She’ll get frustrated that I’m not doing enough, I’ll get frustrated that she doesn’t recognize everything that I do. This argument ebbs and flows over time, but I take some responsibility for not stepping up as much as I should have.

DW has always been an anxious parent. She’s all about routine, so when something occurs with our son that disrupts that equilibrium, even if it’s something minor, she gets very stressed/anxious (ex. When the weather is bad and we can’t go to the playground, DS Going down for a nap a bit later, DS having a mini tantrum over not having the right socks, etc)

For the past three weeks, DW has been experiencing pretty bad nausea, and has generally been very tired. This happened when she was pregnant with DS, but obviously that was easier to manage without a kid.

Since she’s been sick, she can help out here and there with some parenting stuff and household tasks, but she spends a lot of her day resting, so I take on majority of the parenting/household tasks, and I’ve found that it’s….pretty manageable. I certainly wouldn’t say it’s been easy, it’s absolutely been challenging, but it just doesn’t seem like this Herculean task that DW makes it out to be, and I’m definitely getting much less help from my wife than she would normally get from me (which, to be clear, I’m not complaining about, I completely understand why she’s unable to in her state.)

Here’s the thing though, I’m finding that I feel much less stressed without her micromanaging everything that I do, both parenting wise and household wise. Like if DS goes down for a nap at 115 instead of 1, the world will keep turning. I can clean the house without being nitpicked about every little thing not being up to her standards. Most importantly, I feel like I’m finally building a bond with DS; that’s not to say that DW has been supportive of us building our relationship, she absolutely has, but it always felt like when we’d do stuff on our own, she’d get a little jealous.

Anyways, I’m having mixed feelings about this whole experience. I feel bad that my wife is so sick, but at the same time, it’s sort of been nice and almost easier to do things on my own with DS.

The world will keep turning, but are you doing what's best for DS or are you just trying o to be fun cool Disney dad?

He had an amazing and easy Saturday!
That’s all he apparently needs to make 24/7/365 conjectures.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of guys feel this way when they “take over” the daily tasks. What they don’t realize is that their wife does all of that plus create the infrastructure for those routines. Like I’m sure you have socks and shoes for you son, and toys and books around the house. She probably researched his nap times when he was little and got him on a schedule. She probably got the various sizes of clothes for him that changed every few months the first year plus all the diapers, feeding things, and now potty training gear. She probably looks up milestones and things about illness. Ok, you show up and do a nap and make dinner. It’s “easy.” Cool?

He was a plug and play Saturday sitter and now thinks parenting and managing a house and kids development is easy peasy. Hilarious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, you are about to have a lot more one-on-one time with your older one in about 7 months…

+1000000. lol.

[Anonymous]

Dude.

[Anonymous]

Ah, yes. "Helping" take care of your own house and offspring

[Anonymous]

I think the people roasting you have never lived with a person that has some form of OCD, anxiety, or autism (or a combination of these). It is seriously a relief to just do things without their rigidity. I can only recommend some kind of counseling for your wife or couples counseling to discuss this without being insensitive to each other's feelings.

I also think you need to come up with strategies that do not enable your wife's behavior. Like don't be a jerk, but don't give in so easily, either. It's hard. Your son will most likely inherit your wife's tendencies if she spends most of the time with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of guys feel this way when they “take over” the daily tasks. What they don’t realize is that their wife does all of that plus create the infrastructure for those routines. Like I’m sure you have socks and shoes for you son, and toys and books around the house. She probably researched his nap times when he was little and got him on a schedule. She probably got the various sizes of clothes for him that changed every few months the first year plus all the diapers, feeding things, and now potty training gear. She probably looks up milestones and things about illness. Ok, you show up and do a nap and make dinner. It’s “easy.” Cool?

I wish I could like this more than once and pin it at the top of a "dadism" forum. Luckily, my DH appreciates how much goes into all of this and he tells me frequently. And he takes over the things that I can't even with like extracurriculars.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of guys feel this way when they “take over” the daily tasks. What they don’t realize is that their wife does all of that plus create the infrastructure for those routines. Like I’m sure you have socks and shoes for you son, and toys and books around the house. She probably researched his nap times when he was little and got him on a schedule. She probably got the various sizes of clothes for him that changed every few months the first year plus all the diapers, feeding things, and now potty training gear. She probably looks up milestones and things about illness. Ok, you show up and do a nap and make dinner. It’s “easy.” Cool?

This.

But it’s sounds like his wife has over-compensated and is now into anxiety territory.

It’s possible she has undiagnosed ADHD and “needs” the anxiety to keep her brain working. I know that I need to stick the schedule exactly and obsess over it, or I completely lose track of time. There’s no natural “happy medium” …I have to really work to balance that about myself.

It’s taken a long time to realize this and be able to communicate around it without going into shame mode.

My recommendation:
Keep doing as your doing and when you wife feels better have some discussions about how to re-structure masts that supports both of your strengths. In therapy, if possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't do enough. You think you do too much because your Dad did absolutely nothing.

How do you know his dad did nothing? Let me guess, you are divorced and bitter.

Nope, I'm not. I'm a millennial and can't think of a single Dad that pulled their weight even remotely.

[Anonymous]

I mean … congrats on parenting your kid? Your post reeks of someone who needs to be praised for adulting.

And FWIW, it’s always easier to solo parent because you get to make all the decisions without input from the other person.

[Anonymous]

If you keep doing the bulk of the parenting/house management for several weeks, your wife will stop micromanaging so much. She’s just having trouble letting go.

Honestly it’s great that you find it easy and she’ll come around to that! Having a second kid will add a ton of work so keep this level through the pregnancy even once she feels better, and the adjustment will be easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean … congrats on parenting your kid? Your post reeks of someone who needs to be praised for adulting.

And FWIW, it’s always easier to solo parent because you get to make all the decisions without input from the other person.

There's a difference between discussing something and nitpicking (the latter of which the OP mentions). I envy you if you've never had to deal with a micromanager or hypercritical spouse.

[Anonymous]

It’s not getting the child down at 1 versus 1:15 that your wife finds stressful, OP. It’s the downstream consequences. Like he won’t nap well or sleeps too long, and then tantrums all afternoon and evening, and then has trouble going to bed, and it’s all miserable. You haven’t been the primary parent long enough to have been responsible for him through all of that mess, so sure, it doesn’t bother you if he goes down a bit late. Grandparents are famous for having the same attitude you do. “What’s the big deal if she has only ice cream for lunch?!” And “it’s a special occasion, she can stay up a couple of hours late tonight!” Stick around for longer as the person who deals with it when the $&@? hits the fan, and you will see what the big deal is.

[Anonymous]

Now add all of the mental load on top of the childcare that you did this week or weekend. Did you remember to make that doctors appointment for your son? Did you order a larger size shoe because you noticed these are getting a bit tight? Did you switch out his really warm winter pjs in his drawers for cooler ones because it’s been warmer at night, and donate the winter ones because he won’t be able to wear those next winter? And oh crap did you figure out why he’s having nighttime pee blowouts all of the sudden? What about that spot of eczema that won’t clear up on his cheek — what are you trying for that? And on and on.

[Anonymous]

I predict that the wife would be less anxious if the husband were more clued in and understanding.