Shouldering more of the parenting/household work while DW is pregnant, and having mixed feelings about how it’s going

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I predict that the wife would be less anxious if the husband were more clued in and understanding.

Adding that I WAS the anxious wife with the husband who didn’t get it. Now we’re divorced, and it’s so much easier to parent alone. And to take care of only the kids.

[Anonymous]

There's a lot going on here. First, OP's post reeks of disdain for his wife. OP, she knows you have a low opinion of her and that's contributing to her anxiety! FFS, a second baby is really hard on a marriage, and she's probably worried about it. She's been thinking about it ever since she decided to have a second baby with a man who admits he didn't step up enough. She's in a very anxiety-provoking situation here. Because of you, your failure to step up, and your judgment of her. You need to prove yourself as a parent and partner, not just by being Fun Dad for a few weeks, but by really taking on some of the load. If you show yourself to be a changed man here, she'll be less anxious.

Second, as others have said, you're coasting on her past work and not doing the forward-looking work either. You need to understand the full job that she's doing. You got a kid dressed a few times-- yay for you. Bet there were plenty of clothes in the drawer, right? That's because she's responsible for making sure he has clean and appropriate clothes, that fit, for EVERY weather and occasion. For getting rid of the old clothes and shoes and obtaining new ones within your budget. She's already thinking about whether his summer stuff and swimsuit still fits. You're only doing the surface of the clothing job, not the majority of it.

She wants the nap because, as others have said, the schedule impacts his night sleep and his morning wake-up. 15 minutes once in a while isn't a big deal, but if 15 becomes a pattern it will soon be 30, then 45, and it'll be a mess.

And she wants the nap because she has things she needs to do during the nap! Here are some things she's thinking about and you're probably not. 1) How to prepare kid to be a big sibling, including possible sleep and potty regressions. 2) Kid doctor and dentist appointments, must be scheduled in advance. 3) School lottery if in DC, transition to preschool or public school whenever that happens. 4) Summer travel and family visits. 5) All aspects of the kid's development-- speech, fine motor, physical, socioemotional, alert to emerging special needs, and having the right books and toys around the house for this. Are you "helping"-- or, imagine this-- taking a leadership role, with any of those things? Because these kinds of things are on her mind EVERY DAY. Are they on yours? Are you taking action on any of them?

The amount of parenting you're doing now is the amount of parenting you're going to be doing for the next 5 years or so. Because having two kids is a lot of work. I suggest you stop patting yourself on the back for your small contributions, open your eyes to what the full load actually is, and start doing it.




https://www.drpsychmom.com/couples-meet-couples-counseling-type-1-mr-perfect-crazy-wife/

[Anonymous]

I hear you OP- DC are older now but I would have rather taken my 3 DC on a separate airplane than deal with DH on travel days. He was just so anxious about everything.
Still a great dad and helps with a lot around the house, but very micromanaging and OCD. Some things are just easier and a lot more pleasant done without him.

[Anonymous]

She probably prefers parenting without you around too, since you're so judgmental and critical of her, and you are sloppy and half-ass it while benefitting from her diligence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the people roasting you have never lived with a person that has some form of OCD, anxiety, or autism (or a combination of these). It is seriously a relief to just do things without their rigidity. I can only recommend some kind of counseling for your wife or couples counseling to discuss this without being insensitive to each other's feelings.

I also think you need to come up with strategies that do not enable your wife's behavior. Like don't be a jerk, but don't give in so easily, either. It's hard. Your son will most likely inherit your wife's tendencies if she spends most of the time with him.

Anxiety and asd causes shutdown mode way more often than OCD mode.

That’s not what’s going on here.

Unclear if OP is just bragging about how he handled half a weekend w a toddler and nauseous wife or what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the people roasting you have never lived with a person that has some form of OCD, anxiety, or autism (or a combination of these). It is seriously a relief to just do things without their rigidity. I can only recommend some kind of counseling for your wife or couples counseling to discuss this without being insensitive to each other's feelings.

I also think you need to come up with strategies that do not enable your wife's behavior. Like don't be a jerk, but don't give in so easily, either. It's hard. Your son will most likely inherit your wife's tendencies if she spends most of the time with him.

It’s unclear whether the DW in this scenario is that pathological, though. I am certainly anxious and had some rigidity around sleep schedules in particular for the first few years. But it was greatly exacerbated by the fact that my DH was an extremely lazy partner who left me with a crushing burden of doing almost everything while I also worked FT. I was SO stressed that the way I coped was through scheduling so I could get through the day. I was so incredibly sleep deprived that keeping the baby/child on a sleep schedule seemed like a HUGE deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not getting the child down at 1 versus 1:15 that your wife finds stressful, OP. It’s the downstream consequences. Like he won’t nap well or sleeps too long, and then tantrums all afternoon and evening, and then has trouble going to bed, and it’s all miserable. You haven’t been the primary parent long enough to have been responsible for him through all of that mess, so sure, it doesn’t bother you if he goes down a bit late. Grandparents are famous for having the same attitude you do. “What’s the big deal if she has only ice cream for lunch?!” And “it’s a special occasion, she can stay up a couple of hours late tonight!” Stick around for longer as the person who deals with it when the $&@? hits the fan, and you will see what the big deal is.

Exactly. And if OP is anything like my DH, it’s not actually the difference between 1 and 1:15. It’s that DH when I tell him at 1:15 and there’s no indication that he’s getting baby ready to nap, “DH, baby naps at 1 - are you going to put him down?” DH will respond nastily “Why are you so rigid about naps? It’s fine. He doesn’t need to nap.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the people roasting you have never lived with a person that has some form of OCD, anxiety, or autism (or a combination of these). It is seriously a relief to just do things without their rigidity. I can only recommend some kind of counseling for your wife or couples counseling to discuss this without being insensitive to each other's feelings.

I also think you need to come up with strategies that do not enable your wife's behavior. Like don't be a jerk, but don't give in so easily, either. It's hard. Your son will most likely inherit your wife's tendencies if she spends most of the time with him.

It’s unclear whether the DW in this scenario is that pathological, though. I am certainly anxious and had some rigidity around sleep schedules in particular for the first few years. But it was greatly exacerbated by the fact that my DH was an extremely lazy partner who left me with a crushing burden of doing almost everything while I also worked FT. I was SO stressed that the way I coped was through scheduling so I could get through the day. I was so incredibly sleep deprived that keeping the baby/child on a sleep schedule seemed like a HUGE deal.

I agree, it's tough to say. OP also wrote "I take some responsibility for not stepping up as much as I should have."
Their dynamic sounds unhealthy. They both seem frustrated, and it's been three years of tension. That's a long time.
I wonder if they had very different upbringings (latchkey kid vs helicopter parents).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If there are things you can take on and your wife welcomes that and it's NBD for you to take it on, then do. But if you find yourself turning around resenting wife for it, tune into that. You're not going to change your wife's anxious parenting style by judging it so be careful that you don't start making negative attributions and comparisons based on that, as that will erode your marriage. It sounds like your wife is a basically effective parent, albeit anxious.

This.

I'd be careful to nurture your marriage, too, OP. Have a standing date night, even twice a month, when you spend time one on one or occasionally with other couples.

It sounds like your wife's anxiety may make you feel judged, at times, and then you do it to her. Valuing the other person and what they bring to the family is really key to the family staying together, ime.

Someone prone to anxiety may have a rough time PP, get your DW help if she needs it.

If you love your kid(s) the biggest gift you can give them is to love their other parent. Not in spite of your harsh judgement of them.

[Anonymous]

OP, what was your parents' relationship like when you were a kid? Was your father very judgmental and belittling of your mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean … congrats on parenting your kid? Your post reeks of someone who needs to be praised for adulting.

And FWIW, it’s always easier to solo parent because you get to make all the decisions without input from the other person.

There's a difference between discussing something and nitpicking (the latter of which the OP mentions). I envy you if you've never had to deal with a micromanager or hypercritical spouse.

"Nitpicking" is very subjective.

The line of what constitutes nitpicking is going to be different for every person. But in general, many dads tend to think that a lot of the stuff that moms think about or focus on are unimportant. So they think a reminder or a system for addressing those things are "nitpicking." But this often stems from a place of misogyny, a belief that women are by nature obsessed about dumb stuff and that a lot of parenting would go fine if you just let more things slide.

Some examples from my own marriage. My DH thinks me mentioning any of these things constitutes nitpicking:
- Prompting DD, who continues to have accidents at age 6, to use the bathroom before bed or leaving the house
- Offering our kids only fruit, nuts or other healthy snacks instead of processed junk between meals, so that they are actually hungry for meals
- Having bedtimes
- Requiring kids to clear plates from the table after meals, and tidy their rooms for a few minutes before bed
- Making sure clothes fit and buying new clothes if they no longer fit

According to my DH, worrying about these things, and asking for him to consistently participate and reinforce these things so that our kids have consistent experiences with both parents, is me "nitpicking" and being "controlling." I have suggested to him that if he wants to come up with an approach to things like our kids diets, sleep, and chores on his own, and let me know what the plan is, I'd be happy to go along with it. But his "plan" is almost always to just wing it, give in at the first sign of resistance from kids, or say we're going to do things and never follow through.

I know my DH would describe me as "anxious" and a control freak. I'm actually not. But I do want to raise kids who are functional, healthy, have basic skills around feeding themselves and cleaning up after themselves, etc. And I'm pretty much totally on my own in making that happen while my DH plays games on his phone and just generally does not think about parenting except when he is directly interacting with our kids.

I do think I have some anxiety issues, for which I see a therapist, because it is hard feeling like everything is on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of guys feel this way when they “take over” the daily tasks. What they don’t realize is that their wife does all of that plus create the infrastructure for those routines. Like I’m sure you have socks and shoes for you son, and toys and books around the house. She probably researched his nap times when he was little and got him on a schedule. She probably got the various sizes of clothes for him that changed every few months the first year plus all the diapers, feeding things, and now potty training gear. She probably looks up milestones and things about illness. Ok, you show up and do a nap and make dinner. It’s “easy.” Cool?

First of all this absolutely nailed it.

Second, a lot of the stress is about being constantly being stuck between either nagging a spouse into helping or choosing not to do so and feel resentful that you’re being taken advantage of by your “partner.” Two terrible options.

You aren’t feeling any of the above, instead you seem to be experiencing the dopamine of being such a helpful husband. Even though what you’re doing right now is also just 50%

[Anonymous]

Honestly one kid isn't really that much work, especially once they are past the point where they are waking up all the time. I think people should split it to be fair but it's not this insurmountable obstacle.

Clothes are easy, you literally buy the age they are "T" and switch out for summer/winter. Finding a daycare sucks you will only need to do that once or twice (or three times in our case!). Finding a doctor is also a one-off thing. Sick days suck but hopefully you guys can split those up so one person isn't getting screwed working late to keep up.

Two is harder, especially because it's harder to trade off and give one person some down time plus they can fight a lot. I feel for people with three kids, that seems really hard.

[Anonymous]

Wel, that's good OP. Maybe it's time for your and your DW to realign what you are doing and you take more of the items she finds anxiety provoking. There will be a whole lot more work to do in 9 months, so this is a good thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly one kid isn't really that much work, especially once they are past the point where they are waking up all the time. I think people should split it to be fair but it's not this insurmountable obstacle.

Clothes are easy, you literally buy the age they are "T" and switch out for summer/winter. Finding a daycare sucks you will only need to do that once or twice (or three times in our case!). Finding a doctor is also a one-off thing. Sick days suck but hopefully you guys can split those up so one person isn't getting screwed working late to keep up.

Two is harder, especially because it's harder to trade off and give one person some down time plus they can fight a lot. I feel for people with three kids, that seems really hard.

No one thing is really hard, but all the things together adds up to a lot, especially for working parents. Finding a doctor, dentist, any other needs can be easy or hard but then you have to bring the kid there. It's not a one-off thing. Injuries and issues come up. Then parent-teacher conference. Lice. Planning summer and vacation childcare. Potentially sports or lessons, choosing them and preparing as needed and bringing the kid. Choosing a school, and academic support if needed, plus school events. Friendships and playdates and birthdays. Some kids are easy but others need more support. The OP is proud of himself, I guess, for doing a half-assed job at the day-to-day stuff for a few weeks. But if he stops to think a little about what's actually involved in a good childhood, he will see that it adds up to a lot.

Feel free to cross off whatever you don't want your child to have, OP. Is it friends? Birthday parties? Medical care? Sports? Please do let us know what you deem unnecessary.