Shouldering more of the parenting/household work while DW is pregnant, and having mixed feelings about how it’s going

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly one kid isn't really that much work, especially once they are past the point where they are waking up all the time. I think people should split it to be fair but it's not this insurmountable obstacle.

Clothes are easy, you literally buy the age they are "T" and switch out for summer/winter. Finding a daycare sucks you will only need to do that once or twice (or three times in our case!). Finding a doctor is also a one-off thing. Sick days suck but hopefully you guys can split those up so one person isn't getting screwed working late to keep up.

Two is harder, especially because it's harder to trade off and give one person some down time plus they can fight a lot. I feel for people with three kids, that seems really hard.

No one thing is really hard, but all the things together adds up to a lot, especially for working parents. Finding a doctor, dentist, any other needs can be easy or hard but then you have to bring the kid there. It's not a one-off thing. Injuries and issues come up. Then parent-teacher conference. Lice. Planning summer and vacation childcare. Potentially sports or lessons, choosing them and preparing as needed and bringing the kid. Choosing a school, and academic support if needed, plus school events. Friendships and playdates and birthdays. Some kids are easy but others need more support. The OP is proud of himself, I guess, for doing a half-assed job at the day-to-day stuff for a few weeks. But if he stops to think a little about what's actually involved in a good childhood, he will see that it adds up to a lot.

Feel free to cross off whatever you don't want your child to have, OP. Is it friends? Birthday parties? Medical care? Sports? Please do let us know what you deem unnecessary.

PP here and I still dont think it's that hard with one kid. I wouldn't want to do 100% from a fairness perspective but its definitely manageable esp if the other parent is making some level of contribution. Anyways, I'm just saying I can relate to OP in that it's not that hard with one child. I found it to be more than 2x hard with two kids mainly because there's no switching off.

[Anonymous]

One thing that the non-primary parent often really underestimates is the emotional work of being your kid's (or kids') primary support person.

My DH and I both work but as with a lot of families, I have the more flexible job with the flexible schedule that allows me to be the "on" parent most of the time. For a long time, my DH understood the logistical/mechanical burden of this. But it wasn't until I had a medical issue that switched our situations that he got the emotional part of it.

Like I do drop off and pick up about 90% of the time, so that means getting my kid up and ready, making breakfast and packing lunch, then getting her to school before going to my job. With one kid, the logistics of that are not that bad (though, notably, they are harder than just getting yourself ready for work and going, it must be said). And pick up is even easier because you don't have to get ready -- just show up at the appointed time.

What DH didn't understand, for years, is that our kid is not a little robot and doing these things isn't the same every day, and the difficulty is not limited to the actual activities at play. Kids are emotional and still learning to manage their emotions. There were so many days where by the time I dropped my kid off at school, I felt I'd lived a whole lifetime. We had bouts of school resistance that lasted months sometimes, then the picky eating that made breakfast and lunch exhausting. Sometimes you pick your kid up from school and they just unload a whole days worth of frustration and unhappiness on you, and this is after you've also spent the whole day working and are trying to mental figure out dinner. It is emotionally taxing. And you have to deal with it on like three levels at once -- (1) deal with the immediate behavior or concern, like if she's saying she won't go to school you have to address that directly, (2) think big picture about what the underlying issue might be and be kind of strategizing as to how you can ease the school refusal generally -- do you need to call the teacher to discuss? is this an over or under scheduling issue? Could it be medical, should you make a peds appointment? etc., and (3) managing your own mental state through it all so you don't resort to often tempting but ultimately counter productive things like guilting or shaming your kid, yelling at them, etc., which will only make the problem worse in the long run even if it solves the issue that day.

It's NOT easy, but my DH was not really even aware of this aspect of it until he had to do it every day. And at first he was like "well this is different because you're sick and she's stressed about that." And that was true, that was another layer. But that's the whole point -- there's always another layer. Your kid is not a FedEx package you can just deliver to the school door and forget about. Being the primary parent is about dealing with all the layers. It's hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly one kid isn't really that much work, especially once they are past the point where they are waking up all the time. I think people should split it to be fair but it's not this insurmountable obstacle.

Clothes are easy, you literally buy the age they are "T" and switch out for summer/winter. Finding a daycare sucks you will only need to do that once or twice (or three times in our case!). Finding a doctor is also a one-off thing. Sick days suck but hopefully you guys can split those up so one person isn't getting screwed working late to keep up.

Two is harder, especially because it's harder to trade off and give one person some down time plus they can fight a lot. I feel for people with three kids, that seems really hard.

No one thing is really hard, but all the things together adds up to a lot, especially for working parents. Finding a doctor, dentist, any other needs can be easy or hard but then you have to bring the kid there. It's not a one-off thing. Injuries and issues come up. Then parent-teacher conference. Lice. Planning summer and vacation childcare. Potentially sports or lessons, choosing them and preparing as needed and bringing the kid. Choosing a school, and academic support if needed, plus school events. Friendships and playdates and birthdays. Some kids are easy but others need more support. The OP is proud of himself, I guess, for doing a half-assed job at the day-to-day stuff for a few weeks. But if he stops to think a little about what's actually involved in a good childhood, he will see that it adds up to a lot.

Feel free to cross off whatever you don't want your child to have, OP. Is it friends? Birthday parties? Medical care? Sports? Please do let us know what you deem unnecessary.

PP here and I still dont think it's that hard with one kid. I wouldn't want to do 100% from a fairness perspective but its definitely manageable esp if the other parent is making some level of contribution. Anyways, I'm just saying I can relate to OP in that it's not that hard with one child. I found it to be more than 2x hard with two kids mainly because there's no switching off.

Honestly just stop. It’s very hard with even one kid and a spouse who refuses to pull his weight. You have no idea.

[Anonymous]

Good news, OP. 2 requires a whole new review of your division of labor. I'm sure you'll get plenty of opportunities to take housework off your wife's plate and spend time one on one with your eldest. Keep it up!

[Anonymous]

My wife was like this and it probably wasn't until about a year after our second was born for her to return to 'normal'. I probably felt a bit like you did OP, but really just had to get over myself. It doesn't matter who does the chores. The micromanagement stuff was just is and is a little grating, but I just suck it up and try to be efficient with tasks the way she wants them done. It did get a lot better after time though. Why not see if there are any local dads you can blow off some steam with or something.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think this is one of the benefits of having more than 1 kid. You become more flexible out of necessity and realize what you can let go of.

I have 3 now and was definitely more uptight about how things had to be done with #1.

Now it’s all hands on deck, the goal is good enough not perfection, and my third (now age 2) has become a pleasant go with the flow kid.

So this may just be a good natural progression for you guys where DW learns to let the little stuff go (hopefully) and you feel empowered to step up more with the house/kids.

Also the first trimester of pregnancy is absolute misery so just be kind and don’t make any sweeping changes or accusations during this time. Continue to be supportive and let the addition of a second kid play itself out.

[Anonymous]

OP you are not actually taking on a “majority of the parenting tasks.” Not unless you can take over gestating the fetus.

I swear, men.

[Anonymous]

I'm glad you find it manageable OP. You're likely right that one rainy day isn't a big deal. 15 minutes shouldn't be the end of the world for a nap. Socks, well, crap happens. You are more laid back than your wife. However, she does it day in and day out. That makes a difference.

Maybe this can lead to a good discussion. Maybe she will see that it's OK if things go minimally off schedule. You have different personalities so naturally handle things differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not getting the child down at 1 versus 1:15 that your wife finds stressful, OP. It’s the downstream consequences. Like he won’t nap well or sleeps too long, and then tantrums all afternoon and evening, and then has trouble going to bed, and it’s all miserable. You haven’t been the primary parent long enough to have been responsible for him through all of that mess, so sure, it doesn’t bother you if he goes down a bit late. Grandparents are famous for having the same attitude you do. “What’s the big deal if she has only ice cream for lunch?!” And “it’s a special occasion, she can stay up a couple of hours late tonight!” Stick around for longer as the person who deals with it when the $&@? hits the fan, and you will see what the big deal is.

Exactly. And if OP is anything like my DH, it’s not actually the difference between 1 and 1:15. It’s that DH when I tell him at 1:15 and there’s no indication that he’s getting baby ready to nap, “DH, baby naps at 1 - are you going to put him down?” DH will respond nastily “Why are you so rigid about naps? It’s fine. He doesn’t need to nap.”

Yuck.

That’s how he “responds” to a reminder?

[Anonymous]

I wonder what OP’s wife was thinking, deciding to have a second child with such a prince.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the people roasting you have never lived with a person that has some form of OCD, anxiety, or autism (or a combination of these). It is seriously a relief to just do things without their rigidity. I can only recommend some kind of counseling for your wife or couples counseling to discuss this without being insensitive to each other's feelings.

I also think you need to come up with strategies that do not enable your wife's behavior. Like don't be a jerk, but don't give in so easily, either. It's hard. Your son will most likely inherit your wife's tendencies if she spends most of the time with him.

Anxiety and asd causes shutdown mode way more often than OCD mode.

That’s not what’s going on here.

Unclear if OP is just bragging about how he handled half a weekend w a toddler and nauseous wife or what.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of guys feel this way when they “take over” the daily tasks. What they don’t realize is that their wife does all of that plus create the infrastructure for those routines. Like I’m sure you have socks and shoes for you son, and toys and books around the house. She probably researched his nap times when he was little and got him on a schedule. She probably got the various sizes of clothes for him that changed every few months the first year plus all the diapers, feeding things, and now potty training gear. She probably looks up milestones and things about illness. Ok, you show up and do a nap and make dinner. It’s “easy.” Cool?

He was a plug and play Saturday sitter and now thinks parenting and managing a house and kids development is easy peasy. Hilarious.

Pretty much. The table below as set for him and he just went in there for a day like a paid Task Rabbit.