Reply to Trying to teach my son to be respectful is possibly ruining my relationship with him

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[quote=Anonymous]One tip that hasn’t been mentioned, yet that I have found really helpful with a similar personality kid: I explain the underlying mechanics of Neurotypical social norms. If I can explain it to him in terms of utility, then he can see the benefit to him.  E.g., his toddler brother found a lego and brought it to him and he snapped “that’s mine!!!!”  I explained that his brother is going to see his stuff laying around from time to time.  His choices are A) brother brings it to him, B) brother hides it or plays with it.  Which is better?  Then I explained that if he instead says “wow!  Thanks!”  He is training brother to bring him his stuff.  I tried to explain how I’m talking to his brother and sister, in terms of the utility and what I’m trying to teach them in terms of how they interact with me, rather than “you are a mean jerk if you don’t do it this way“ I am trying to phrase it as “you were going to get better results and they will bug you less if you do it the way I’m teaching you.“ it takes the blame and shame out of it.  I also remind him all the time that he doesn’t have to do what they are, asking of him, whether it’s helping them, giving them attention, sharing something with them that he’s still using, etc. I work really hard to say “hey you are allowed to want what you want, here is a more effective way to express that.“ Also, sometimes when they keep crossing boundaries with him, and he comes to get my attention about it, I drop what I’m doing immediately to intervene because I want to reinforce that if he’s overwhelmed, he should get my help  Rather than try to punish them himself.

I also go out of my way to empathize with my first about the ways in which his younger siblings are annoying. Including sometimes sharing when I am getting frustrated with them. When we do have one on one time, I will often say “I’m so glad to have this time with just you. I love your brother and sister, but it’s definitely hard to be around them sometimes because they need a lot of attention and help. I love to just spend time with you because you are such a fun person to be around.”  I think it’s important for him to understand that you can love someone and also find them annoying. Autistic kids tend to have black-and-white, thinking and view it as this person bugs me therefore, I don’t love them but overtime he is learning that he can love being around his brother and sister sometimes and want to be away from them other times, and that both of those things can be true.[/quote]

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