“Don’t take on teen’s emotions”

[Anonymous]

So what if your kid asks you to get involved, like to speak up on her behalf if she’s being bullied? I typically do not like to get involved, but do I have to if my child asks me too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So what if your kid asks you to get involved, like to speak up on her behalf if she’s being bullied? I typically do not like to get involved, but do I have to if my child asks me too?

Op here who is still learning so others can chime in too. I think we can help, but stay practical and objective. For me it’s trying not absorb the emotions. (I’m a total empath so this is difficult!). We actually had a situation like you mention. Not bullying but a boy at school was making her uncomfortable. I got involved and treated it like my job - a problem to troubleshoot with with a team (the school). But that’s also my personality - if I have something I can DO, I have a place to more productively direct my energy. Game face on and I get to work. It’s when it’s things that are not necessarily fixable or she doesn’t want me to get involved but is still so upset, then I tend to spiral a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My oldest DD said such nutty things. Once she got upset with me and screamed "You hate all my friends!" and it took all my self control to not laugh in her face. I disliked two, but didn't hate them and liked all the others. It set the tone for how I dealt with the younger ones as they approached teen years.

They have hormones making them crazy and they spend all day in school with other kids whose hormones are making THEM crazy as well. Even when kids push against it, they feel safe in a home with stable people whose hormones are NOT going crazy. So we just stayed reasonable and consistent.

Our hormones are literally going crazy too though.

lol. Good point. Many of us are probably in at least perimenopause. But we also have the benefit of experience, and hopefully critical thinking and better self-regulation!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our therapist has taught us to "validate". Validate their feelings.

So Kid is upset because, I dunno, "teacher hates me". You acknowledge: It must be really hard to be in a class where you feel that way".

Didn't get to go to the party? "I understand you feel really disappointed".

You aren't agreeing with her - you aren't saying the teacher DOES hate her. You are just acknowledging her feelings. You aren't offering 20 solutions, just validating her feelings. It really helps the kid self soothe and defuses many situations before they spiral.

I do that but it doesn't stress me out any less. Same if dh is wfh and having a shit day. I absorb all the energy.

Sounds like you may be an empath. Me too. You can search strategies online.

Here are two quick hits:

https://happiful.com/6-tips-to-help-protect-your-empath-energy

https://www.womenshealthmag.com/life/a40435738/empath-meaning/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our therapist has taught us to "validate". Validate their feelings.

So Kid is upset because, I dunno, "teacher hates me". You acknowledge: It must be really hard to be in a class where you feel that way".

Didn't get to go to the party? "I understand you feel really disappointed".

You aren't agreeing with her - you aren't saying the teacher DOES hate her. You are just acknowledging her feelings. You aren't offering 20 solutions, just validating her feelings. It really helps the kid self soothe and defuses many situations before they spiral.

What is going on with all you people seeing therapists? Why do you have children if you are nuts?

1) Everybody is crazy.
2) Didn't realize the extent of the crazy until the kids were early teens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So what if your kid asks you to get involved, like to speak up on her behalf if she’s being bullied? I typically do not like to get involved, but do I have to if my child asks me too?

Yes, you support and protect your child when necessary, whether she asks you to or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our therapist has taught us to "validate". Validate their feelings.

So Kid is upset because, I dunno, "teacher hates me". You acknowledge: It must be really hard to be in a class where you feel that way".

Didn't get to go to the party? "I understand you feel really disappointed".

You aren't agreeing with her - you aren't saying the teacher DOES hate her. You are just acknowledging her feelings. You aren't offering 20 solutions, just validating her feelings. It really helps the kid self soothe and defuses many situations before they spiral.

I do that but it doesn't stress me out any less. Same if dh is wfh and having a shit day. I absorb all the energy.

Sounds like you may be an empath. Me too. You can search strategies online.

Here are two quick hits:

https://happiful.com/6-tips-to-help-protect-your-empath-energy

https://www.womenshealthmag.com/life/a40435738/empath-meaning/

I do a lot of this but it doesn't help. I find people's emotions overwhelm me, and my family is relentless: started with dd at 6 this am freaking out about some top she couldn't find, then moved on to ds being grumpy about tests, and now dh is in my face about work and how today is going to be horrendous and why is this happening and this client is so tough...I can't take it anymore. It ruins my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was the gist of a thread from last week or so. Honestly, the thought had never occurred to me. Teen girls are emotional and can be explosive. We know this. And I have been taking on every single ounce of it. All of it. Never occurred to me NOT to. And I realize now that I felt I was a bad mom if I didn’t. Like it meant I didn’t care. Like I was being a callous shitty mom. This week I’ve been actively trying to not absorb it. To be there. To listen. But not take it on, not solve it (unless I’m asked for help) and most importantly not to get all anxious myself. Because not only does it not feel good to me, but when I worry, I hover and when I hover my dd doesn’t like that (duh! Who would right?!). So thanks, DCUM. Total epiphanic game-changer. Still fighting the little voice of guilt each time I disengage but I’m working on it.

Yeah. That was probably the biggest lesson I have learned from my mom. She NEVER took them on. My dad did moreso than she did, even. She was and is my rock.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was the gist of a thread from last week or so. Honestly, the thought had never occurred to me. Teen girls are emotional and can be explosive. We know this. And I have been taking on every single ounce of it. All of it. Never occurred to me NOT to. And I realize now that I felt I was a bad mom if I didn’t. Like it meant I didn’t care. Like I was being a callous shitty mom. This week I’ve been actively trying to not absorb it. To be there. To listen. But not take it on, not solve it (unless I’m asked for help) and most importantly not to get all anxious myself. Because not only does it not feel good to me, but when I worry, I hover and when I hover my dd doesn’t like that (duh! Who would right?!). So thanks, DCUM. Total epiphanic game-changer. Still fighting the little voice of guilt each time I disengage but I’m working on it.

Yeah. That was probably the biggest lesson I have learned from my mom. She NEVER took them on. My dad did moreso than she did, even. She was and is my rock.

Love this. My mom was not. She totally took it on and panicked and could not cope. And was never, ever helpful. I would never want my daughter to feel this way about me. Thank you. I’m going to hold onto this if I start to revert .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was the gist of a thread from last week or so. Honestly, the thought had never occurred to me. Teen girls are emotional and can be explosive. We know this. And I have been taking on every single ounce of it. All of it. Never occurred to me NOT to. And I realize now that I felt I was a bad mom if I didn’t. Like it meant I didn’t care. Like I was being a callous shitty mom. This week I’ve been actively trying to not absorb it. To be there. To listen. But not take it on, not solve it (unless I’m asked for help) and most importantly not to get all anxious myself. Because not only does it not feel good to me, but when I worry, I hover and when I hover my dd doesn’t like that (duh! Who would right?!). So thanks, DCUM. Total epiphanic game-changer. Still fighting the little voice of guilt each time I disengage but I’m working on it.

Yeah. That was probably the biggest lesson I have learned from my mom. She NEVER took them on. My dad did moreso than she did, even. She was and is my rock.

DP - thanks for this. I'm going to keep it in mind when I get too wrapped up and try to solve things for my DD. I repeat to myself all the time that she needs to do it herself (unless she asks) but this will help, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our therapist has taught us to "validate". Validate their feelings.

So Kid is upset because, I dunno, "teacher hates me". You acknowledge: It must be really hard to be in a class where you feel that way".

Didn't get to go to the party? "I understand you feel really disappointed".

You aren't agreeing with her - you aren't saying the teacher DOES hate her. You are just acknowledging her feelings. You aren't offering 20 solutions, just validating her feelings. It really helps the kid self soothe and defuses many situations before they spiral.

I do that but it doesn't stress me out any less. Same if dh is wfh and having a shit day. I absorb all the energy.

Sounds like you may be an empath. Me too. You can search strategies online.

Here are two quick hits:

https://happiful.com/6-tips-to-help-protect-your-empath-energy

https://www.womenshealthmag.com/life/a40435738/empath-meaning/

I do a lot of this but it doesn't help. I find people's emotions overwhelm me, and my family is relentless: started with dd at 6 this am freaking out about some top she couldn't find, then moved on to ds being grumpy about tests, and now dh is in my face about work and how today is going to be horrendous and why is this happening and this client is so tough...I can't take it anymore. It ruins my life.

I’m sorry PP. Yes, it’s all these little things. Today it was a freakout because the weather was going to make her hair frizzy. And yes, when the *whole* family is having a moment and directing it at you, it’s a lot. Are you seeing someone? I highly recommend finding a great therapist if you don’t have one. It’s so incredibly helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While I know this I cannot do it.

haha.. me, too. It's super hard. DH can disengage. I cannot seem to. But, then, I'm more of a control freak, and I'm super stubborn. I know.. I have issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's hard, congratulations on getting feedback and trying to implement it.

I have actively done too but it is hard, my son called to say he failed a college class and I was anxious all day. UGH! It's so hard. I know it will be fine but dang it is hard.

It IS! Yes, we want the best for them. Want them to be happy and successful. And we don’t want to totally check out either. I also never want to be that mom. Finding the balance is trial and error, I suppose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our therapist has taught us to "validate". Validate their feelings.

So Kid is upset because, I dunno, "teacher hates me". You acknowledge: It must be really hard to be in a class where you feel that way".

Didn't get to go to the party? "I understand you feel really disappointed".

You aren't agreeing with her - you aren't saying the teacher DOES hate her. You are just acknowledging her feelings. You aren't offering 20 solutions, just validating her feelings. It really helps the kid self soothe and defuses many situations before they spiral.

The problem is that some feelings are not valid.

[Anonymous]

I love the word epiphany. I remember when I learned the word in an English class.

I did not know the word epiphanic until this post. Thanks, OP!