“Don’t take on teen’s emotions”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While I know this I cannot do it.

haha.. me, too. It's super hard. DH can disengage. I cannot seem to. But, then, I'm more of a control freak, and I'm super stubborn. I know.. I have issues.

Hey twin! 👋

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our therapist has taught us to "validate". Validate their feelings.

So Kid is upset because, I dunno, "teacher hates me". You acknowledge: It must be really hard to be in a class where you feel that way".

Didn't get to go to the party? "I understand you feel really disappointed".

You aren't agreeing with her - you aren't saying the teacher DOES hate her. You are just acknowledging her feelings. You aren't offering 20 solutions, just validating her feelings. It really helps the kid self soothe and defuses many situations before they spiral.

The problem is that some feelings are not valid.

Validate the feelings just means to acknowledge the person is experiencing the feelings. It doesn't mean the feeling is valid (whatever that means!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love the word epiphany. I remember when I learned the word in an English class.

I did not know the word epiphanic until this post. Thanks, OP!

lol. Sure thing! I’m a word nerd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our therapist has taught us to "validate". Validate their feelings.

So Kid is upset because, I dunno, "teacher hates me". You acknowledge: It must be really hard to be in a class where you feel that way".

Didn't get to go to the party? "I understand you feel really disappointed".

You aren't agreeing with her - you aren't saying the teacher DOES hate her. You are just acknowledging her feelings. You aren't offering 20 solutions, just validating her feelings. It really helps the kid self soothe and defuses many situations before they spiral.

The problem is that some feelings are not valid.

Validate the feelings just means to acknowledge the person is experiencing the feelings. It doesn't mean the feeling is valid (whatever that means!).

My issue is when feelings are very valid, like true unfairness, true heartbreak...It's so easy to just say "sorry this happened, it sounds awful" when there's nothing else to do and it's a tiny concern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our therapist has taught us to "validate". Validate their feelings.

So Kid is upset because, I dunno, "teacher hates me". You acknowledge: It must be really hard to be in a class where you feel that way".

Didn't get to go to the party? "I understand you feel really disappointed".

You aren't agreeing with her - you aren't saying the teacher DOES hate her. You are just acknowledging her feelings. You aren't offering 20 solutions, just validating her feelings. It really helps the kid self soothe and defuses many situations before they spiral.

The problem is that some feelings are not valid.

Validate the feelings just means to acknowledge the person is experiencing the feelings. It doesn't mean the feeling is valid (whatever that means!).

My issue is when feelings are very valid, like true unfairness, true heartbreak...It's so easy to just say "sorry this happened, it sounds awful" when there's nothing else to do and it's a tiny concern.

Yeah but you cannot fix the situation not can get them through their emotions. You have to stand next to them
As the steady rock as they get themselves through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our therapist has taught us to "validate". Validate their feelings.

So Kid is upset because, I dunno, "teacher hates me". You acknowledge: It must be really hard to be in a class where you feel that way".

Didn't get to go to the party? "I understand you feel really disappointed".

You aren't agreeing with her - you aren't saying the teacher DOES hate her. You are just acknowledging her feelings. You aren't offering 20 solutions, just validating her feelings. It really helps the kid self soothe and defuses many situations before they spiral.

What is going on with all you people seeing therapists? Why do you have children if you are nuts?

Why do you take your kids to a pediatrician are all your kids sick all the time?

[Anonymous]

For those not sure what to do when your teens thought are not “valid”.

Here is something about how to handle negative thoughts.

https://www.amenclinics.com/blog/do-you-have-an-ant-infestation-in-your-head/

[Anonymous]

Yes. Teens have wildly unstable, and sometimes unrealistic emotions. When parents have ruinous empathy for their teens, they can sometimes enable toxic patterns of behavior.

You have to remember you are the adult, and your job is to guide and support them in making the best and right choices. Not to placate or please them 100% of the time.

[Anonymous]

When my child asks me to get involved, like contacting the school or contacting a friend’s parent, I do so. I don’t like doing it, but I feel like if she specifically asks me to do that and I don’t, that is not being a supportive parent, and she feels like I don’t believe her. Sometimes these situations have gotten contentious, and I always regret involving myself, but if she does not feel like she can trust me to have her back and stand up for her, I think she would stop coming to me with her problems entirely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Teens have wildly unstable, and sometimes unrealistic emotions. When parents have ruinous empathy for their teens, they can sometimes enable toxic patterns of behavior.

You have to remember you are the adult, and your job is to guide and support them in making the best and right choices. Not to placate or please them 100% of the time.

+1. Often the answer is simply a variation of, "this does sucks, but I know you can handle it."

[Anonymous]

Yes, there is a difference between taking on their emotions and being supportive.

I see taking on their emotions as actually feeling what they are feeling or feeling for them - and we know teens are all over the place. That does not provide stability for them. Of course, sometimes we can't help it but I try to do that 'feeling' in private as much as I can. We can still be supportive and present.

[Anonymous]

Check out the episode of the Ask Lisa podcast titled something like “stop riding your teen’s emotional roller coaster”. It’s very helpful!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Check out the episode of the Ask Lisa podcast titled something like “stop riding your teen’s emotional roller coaster”. It’s very helpful!

I’m on it! Thank you! Episode 141.

[Anonymous]

I’m the OP of the original thread. Thanks to whoever suggested the emotional lives of teenagers. Between that and Dr. Becky Kennedy videos I’ve really been trying to change my reaction from empathy to a mantra that “she must learn how to manage big emotions by living through them.”

I think I realized that my trying to solve her problems was really just me trying to calm myself down.

Her moods still affect me, but baby steps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my child asks me to get involved, like contacting the school or contacting a friend’s parent, I do so. I don’t like doing it, but I feel like if she specifically asks me to do that and I don’t, that is not being a supportive parent, and she feels like I don’t believe her. Sometimes these situations have gotten contentious, and I always regret involving myself, but if she does not feel like she can trust me to have her back and stand up for her, I think she would stop coming to me with her problems entirely.

If you always regret involving yourself, you may want to reconsider doing so.

Better in the long run to instill confidence in get that she can contact the school, etc., except for the really serious things. Be clear that she can always talk to you and ask for advice