“Don’t take on teen’s emotions”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my child asks me to get involved, like contacting the school or contacting a friend’s parent, I do so. I don’t like doing it, but I feel like if she specifically asks me to do that and I don’t, that is not being a supportive parent, and she feels like I don’t believe her. Sometimes these situations have gotten contentious, and I always regret involving myself, but if she does not feel like she can trust me to have her back and stand up for her, I think she would stop coming to me with her problems entirely.

I would definitely stop getting involved. It’s inappropriate and I agree it leads to nothing good. She should not be equating your involvement to being supportive. Time for you to work with her on resetting her expectations and learning how to navigate these issues independently. You can be supportive from the sidelines.

[Anonymous]

Another progress update: daughter got in the car from track practice last night in a very bad mood. Ugh at the energy as soon as she got in the car. Typically I would immediately soak that in and start probing out of concern and worry. I almost did. I was definitely feeling the bad mojo. I ask how was practice, she said FINE! We all know that loaded “fine”. I said great and shut my mouth and worked on quietly regulating my own emotions. Within 10 minutes, she started telling me the issue and I just tried the “hmmm, that must be hard, I hear you” instead of immediately going for solutions or offering a more optimistic perspective (which really wakes the beast!). It totally worked. She was quick to tell me what was going on (which really was nothing but for her it was something), she cooled down quickly, and I kept my cool too. Game changer! I really feel like this is going to totally change what raising a teen daughter is like for me and make our relationship so much stronger.

[Anonymous]

PP, thanks for that post. I am glad it was a success!

How do you all handle homework discussions? As in, please do it because its getting late etc and mom is getting anxious.

[Anonymous]

Homework is a constant struggle. I am actually trying to take a step back because at this point she’s just not hearing me. I think it’s become white noise, or maybe gray. Whatever color is not actually soothing.

So she’s going to have to stumble a bit. And feel it for herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another progress update: daughter got in the car from track practice last night in a very bad mood. Ugh at the energy as soon as she got in the car. Typically I would immediately soak that in and start probing out of concern and worry. I almost did. I was definitely feeling the bad mojo. I ask how was practice, she said FINE! We all know that loaded “fine”. I said great and shut my mouth and worked on quietly regulating my own emotions. Within 10 minutes, she started telling me the issue and I just tried the “hmmm, that must be hard, I hear you” instead of immediately going for solutions or offering a more optimistic perspective (which really wakes the beast!). It totally worked. She was quick to tell me what was going on (which really was nothing but for her it was something), she cooled down quickly, and I kept my cool too. Game changer! I really feel like this is going to totally change what raising a teen daughter is like for me and make our relationship so much stronger.

Great update!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another progress update: daughter got in the car from track practice last night in a very bad mood. Ugh at the energy as soon as she got in the car. Typically I would immediately soak that in and start probing out of concern and worry. I almost did. I was definitely feeling the bad mojo. I ask how was practice, she said FINE! We all know that loaded “fine”. I said great and shut my mouth and worked on quietly regulating my own emotions. Within 10 minutes, she started telling me the issue and I just tried the “hmmm, that must be hard, I hear you” instead of immediately going for solutions or offering a more optimistic perspective (which really wakes the beast!). It totally worked. She was quick to tell me what was going on (which really was nothing but for her it was something), she cooled down quickly, and I kept my cool too. Game changer! I really feel like this is going to totally change what raising a teen daughter is like for me and make our relationship so much stronger.

That's great!!

And so many times our kids save up all of that emotion for when they get home/in the car, and need to let it all out with Mom. Who is safe, they know they can do it with us and we'll still love them, still support them.

I took back at the frustrations I took out on my mom when I was a teen and it took me a long time to appreciate that even though she didn't solve my problems and at the time I mistook her silence for not caring, she was always there, letting me spew it all out.

Best wishes to you and DD!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Homework is a constant struggle. I am actually trying to take a step back because at this point she’s just not hearing me. I think it’s become white noise, or maybe gray. Whatever color is not actually soothing.

So she’s going to have to stumble a bit. And feel it for herself.

That is where we are also. It's getting done but with no time to spare and minimal effort. Its hard for me to not get involved, and I usually do, but trying not to. Its hard to stay out of it and hard to watch the stumble. Hopefully good lessons will be learned for us all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our therapist has taught us to "validate". Validate their feelings.

So Kid is upset because, I dunno, "teacher hates me". You acknowledge: It must be really hard to be in a class where you feel that way".

Didn't get to go to the party? "I understand you feel really disappointed".

You aren't agreeing with her - you aren't saying the teacher DOES hate her. You are just acknowledging her feelings. You aren't offering 20 solutions, just validating her feelings. It really helps the kid self soothe and defuses many situations before they spiral.

What is going on with all you people seeing therapists? Why do you have children if you are nuts?

-person who has a therapist

[Anonymous]

I totally want a therapist!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, thanks for that post. I am glad it was a success!

How do you all handle homework discussions? As in, please do it because its getting late etc and mom is getting anxious.

We treat homework the same way - my anxiety that he will fail his classes and doom his college chances is not his problem. His lack of college choices due to failed tests and crappy homework is not my problem. I bring him snacks while he does homework, make sympathetic noises when he complains about having so much, I pay for a tutor when he wants tutoring. Beyond that homework is his problem, not mine.

It took me a long time to come to peace with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, thanks for that post. I am glad it was a success!

How do you all handle homework discussions? As in, please do it because its getting late etc and mom is getting anxious.

We treat homework the same way - my anxiety that he will fail his classes and doom his college chances is not his problem. His lack of college choices due to failed tests and crappy homework is not my problem. I bring him snacks while he does homework, make sympathetic noises when he complains about having so much, I pay for a tutor when he wants tutoring. Beyond that homework is his problem, not mine.

It took me a long time to come to peace with that.

I’m glad you are there! I am not. If I ever saw my kid studying I would be ok. But I don’t. We are at the first round of tests with this new process so I haven’t seen it play out yet but I am not hopeful. He is not a kid who can phone it in or cram the day before and do well so it’s making me crazy watching him not do it. I need therapy. And a drink!