Handling racist and homophobic comments from DC friend and their parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry but I just find this story extremely difficult to believe in this area in 2024.
Not saying it’s impossible but I just don’t find it realistic to believe that you wouldn’t have noticed this from this boy or from his family before now if this were their character.

You don’t believe it? Newsflash—it’s commonplace. You must live in a sealed box on an island.

Some kid at our middle school made the monkey comment and was expelled, so know that some schools take it very seriously.

OP, your kid needs to drop that kid immediately. Kids like this don’t improve and it goes hand in hand with being a troublemaker.

If your kid has the confidence, he should call this behavior out every time.

[Anonymous]

It's clearly obvious that tolerating this behavior is wrong. What is not as obvious is that by being friends with the child, your DC is becoming a physical target. At some point, that child will say the wrong thing at the wrong time and will most likely get assaulted for it (some may think rightfully so). Does your son want to become known as the kid who is friends with the racist? Guilt by association. Teach him to have integrity.

[Anonymous]

NP. When something similar happened when my DC was in middle school (racist but not homophobic language), my DC punched the perpetrator, knocked him down, and told him that he’d do worse if he heard the language again. The perpetrator wasn’t hurt but everyone on the playground saw it. My DC then got a half-hearted detention from the principal along with verbal messaging that standing up and defending his friends was a good thing to do. The principal didn’t even call us; I only found out about the incident because a friend heard about it from her kid. From what I heard, the problem ended quickly.

Playground justice does work for stuff like this.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it's a pervasive problem. You can talk to school administrators and if they're interested, they can have a series of assemblies/talks as a school about respect.

There's still time to turn this around in elementary. In middle and high school, the kids stop listening to their teachers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the boy actually aware that everyone finds his comments unacceptable? I feel like he's had enough chances and should not be acknowledged until he cleans up his language. That boy will be a disaster by middle school

Op here-Yes, he very aware, so are his parents which is what prompted the apologies to the group of friends. It seems worthless as his parents talk like this at home so obviously it seems normal to the kid. It is still continuing in person at school and could be in chats but we’ve not allowed our son to be a part of those anymore

I don't understand why you would raise this with the admin. Your child is avoiding this child so you're out of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry but I just find this story extremely difficult to believe in this area in 2024.
Not saying it’s impossible but I just don’t find it realistic to believe that you wouldn’t have noticed this from this boy or from his family before now if this were their character.

Why is there always on commenter that doesn’t believe anything?

I tend to agree though. Sounds like there are few minorities at this school, which likely means it is a wealthier area. And since OPs son has been hanging out over this boys house frequently, it’s fair to assume OP thought the parents seems normal and are educated. Therefore, yes, I find it hard to believe educated parents seemingly normal parents are referring to black people as the n word, monkeys, and using the word fag. I don’t know anyone who would speak this this. Even in private.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 10-year-old has become good friends with another kid in his class and they spend much time together at each other's homes or online playing Roblox.

The friend is a very polite and sweet kid when he is over; however, more recently, we’ve heard him saying the n-word and other derogatory remarks about black people and gay men in their group chats with friends and on Facetime. We talked to our son about telling him to stop and end the calls when this happens.

Over the last week, this kid has ramped up his bigoted remarks, so my friend and the other friends said they wouldn't play with him if he continued. Obviously he was upset and his mother contacted everyone to apologize.

When she had her son apologize and asked to meet with us, my son shared that when he is at their house the mom says racist remarks in front of everyone including my son.

We decided not to let him go over to this house anymore, but the kid has not stopped his remarks at school because he thinks it’s funny and my son reported today he called the black kids at school monkeys and their gay teacher a fag behind their backs.

Their school is not diverse and it would be so devastating if very few LGBTQ or black students and staff knew what he was saying.

Although my child hasn’t been a target of the racist behavior, I feel compelled to say something to the school that this is continuing but am not sure what the best approach would be.

This is new to me, so I’m curious how other parents have handled this type of dynamic and if they reported it, what did you say?

Oh really?

DS’s public middle school is very diverse and on the extreme end of the LGTBQIA+ spectrum.

He has shared with me that all the boys make extremely racist comments.

Even the BIPOC kids make inappropriate racial comment (although BIPOC are not capable of racism, by definition). Also sexist and homophobic comments.

The MS kids insult everyone. They share the most racist “humor” they can find on the internet , using their phones. They go out of their way to try to out-do each other.


On the issues of race, gender, and preference, these MS kids behavior is, frankly, immature.

What? You must not know too many minorities. Or at least not any older ones, you'd be shocked. They are most definitely capable of being racist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry but I just find this story extremely difficult to believe in this area in 2024.
Not saying it’s impossible but I just don’t find it realistic to believe that you wouldn’t have noticed this from this boy or from his family before now if this were their character.

Why is there always on commenter that doesn’t believe anything?

There is both a poster who doesn't believe this would happen, and another poster who says it happens so commonly that it is not a big deal. SMH at both

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 10-year-old has become good friends with another kid in his class and they spend much time together at each other's homes or online playing Roblox.

The friend is a very polite and sweet kid when he is over; however, more recently, we’ve heard him saying the n-word and other derogatory remarks about black people and gay men in their group chats with friends and on Facetime. We talked to our son about telling him to stop and end the calls when this happens.

Over the last week, this kid has ramped up his bigoted remarks, so my friend and the other friends said they wouldn't play with him if he continued. Obviously he was upset and his mother contacted everyone to apologize.

When she had her son apologize and asked to meet with us, my son shared that when he is at their house the mom says racist remarks in front of everyone including my son.

We decided not to let him go over to this house anymore, but the kid has not stopped his remarks at school because he thinks it’s funny and my son reported today he called the black kids at school monkeys and their gay teacher a fag behind their backs.

Their school is not diverse and it would be so devastating if very few LGBTQ or black students and staff knew what he was saying.

Although my child hasn’t been a target of the racist behavior, I feel compelled to say something to the school that this is continuing but am not sure what the best approach would be.

This is new to me, so I’m curious how other parents have handled this type of dynamic and if they reported it, what did you say?

Oh really?

DS’s public middle school is very diverse and on the extreme end of the LGTBQIA+ spectrum.

He has shared with me that all the boys make extremely racist comments.

Even the BIPOC kids make inappropriate racial comment (although BIPOC are not capable of racism, by definition). Also sexist and homophobic comments.

The MS kids insult everyone. They share the most racist “humor” they can find on the internet , using their phones. They go out of their way to try to out-do each other.


On the issues of race, gender, and preference, these MS kids behavior is, frankly, immature.

What? You must not know too many minorities. Or at least not any older ones, you'd be shocked. They are most definitely capable of being racist.

Wrong.

It is not racism.

[Anonymous]

Op, I'm so sorry your son has to deal with this, but I applaud you for standing up and teaching him to do the same. I wonder if people would feel differently if the kid was spewing anti-semi-tic language instead of the the N word. There's a level of decency that we should expect in our schools, but that won't happen if we collectively decide it's someone else's problem and look the other way. Please continue to teach your son and report it to the principal so that s/he is aware of the situation, especially if/when this kid escalates their offensive language & behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I'm so sorry your son has to deal with this, but I applaud you for standing up and teaching him to do the same. I wonder if people would feel differently if the kid was spewing anti-semi-tic language instead of the the N word. There's a level of decency that we should expect in our schools, but that won't happen if we collectively decide it's someone else's problem and look the other way. Please continue to teach your son and report it to the principal so that s/he is aware of the situation, especially if/when this kid escalates their offensive language & behavior.

Why do you say that?

[Anonymous]

Therefore, yes, I find it hard to believe educated parents seemingly normal parents are referring to black people as the n word, monkeys, and using the word fag. I don’t know anyone who would speak this this. Even in private.

It's great that you believe you don't know anyone. Unfortunately, it absolutely happens every day, even in the DMV. The rise in hate speech over the last 4-5 years is very real. Please take your head out of the sand.

[Anonymous]

No way. Pull the pug on that friendship ASAP. That isn't like the kid is a bit rude or into things a little too mature for their age... this kid comes from a toxic place and you need to have a zero tolerance policy in place with racist crap like that. It's crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry but I just find this story extremely difficult to believe in this area in 2024.
Not saying it’s impossible but I just don’t find it realistic to believe that you wouldn’t have noticed this from this boy or from his family before now if this were their character.

Why is there always on commenter that doesn’t believe anything?

I tend to agree though. Sounds like there are few minorities at this school, which likely means it is a wealthier area. And since OPs son has been hanging out over this boys house frequently, it’s fair to assume OP thought the parents seems normal and are educated. Therefore, yes, I find it hard to believe educated parents seemingly normal parents are referring to black people as the n word, monkeys, and using the word fag. I don’t know anyone who would speak this this. Even in private.

Not PP you were responding to, but you are so, so wrong. It happens regularly, "to the nicest families".
Just because someone cleans up nice, has a college degree and money, doesn't mean they haven't inherited tribal patterns of speech from their families of origin, or neighborhoods/communities of origin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 10-year-old has become good friends with another kid in his class and they spend much time together at each other's homes or online playing Roblox.

The friend is a very polite and sweet kid when he is over; however, more recently, we’ve heard him saying the n-word and other derogatory remarks about black people and gay men in their group chats with friends and on Facetime. We talked to our son about telling him to stop and end the calls when this happens.

Over the last week, this kid has ramped up his bigoted remarks, so my friend and the other friends said they wouldn't play with him if he continued. Obviously he was upset and his mother contacted everyone to apologize.

When she had her son apologize and asked to meet with us, my son shared that when he is at their house the mom says racist remarks in front of everyone including my son.

We decided not to let him go over to this house anymore, but the kid has not stopped his remarks at school because he thinks it’s funny and my son reported today he called the black kids at school monkeys and their gay teacher a fag behind their backs.

Their school is not diverse and it would be so devastating if very few LGBTQ or black students and staff knew what he was saying.

Although my child hasn’t been a target of the racist behavior, I feel compelled to say something to the school that this is continuing but am not sure what the best approach would be.

This is new to me, so I’m curious how other parents have handled this type of dynamic and if they reported it, what did you say?

Oh really?

DS’s public middle school is very diverse and on the extreme end of the LGTBQIA+ spectrum.

He has shared with me that all the boys make extremely racist comments.

Even the BIPOC kids make inappropriate racial comment (although BIPOC are not capable of racism, by definition). Also sexist and homophobic comments.

The MS kids insult everyone. They share the most racist “humor” they can find on the internet , using their phones. They go out of their way to try to out-do each other.


On the issues of race, gender, and preference, these MS kids behavior is, frankly, immature.

What? You must not know too many minorities. Or at least not any older ones, you'd be shocked. They are most definitely capable of being racist.

Wrong.

It is not racism.

Why do people still hold the incorrect view that BIPOC peoples can be racist?

They cannot be racist, by definition.

Educate yourself, people!

https://truthout.org/articles/no-black-people-cant-be-racists/