Reply to How decisive are men v. women about ending marriages?

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[quote=Anonymous]I wonder about those stats sometimes because I don't know what "initiates" means -- there's breaking up and then there's actually filing the papers in court. Maybe they refer to both, but I suspect it's more about the breakup.

In my case (I'm male), I tolerated a lot in my marriage because I was basically the default parent (which is a little unusual, I know). I had a wife who reneged on a promise to return to work when the children entered grade school, eventually picked up projects here and then when she ran up our credit cards (like into the 40k-50k range), decided to become a real estate agent but took 9 months to "study" for the exam. The marriage was sexless for seven years (medical issues contributed, so I tried to understanding), we slept in separate bedrooms (ostensibly because I snored, but even after I got a CPAP). I remember feeling like I was at my wit's end with the chronic debt (caused by her spending), parenting duties while working full-time (from home, even before COVID), lack of affection/sex. But knowing even when the kids were in late elementary that I didn't want to divorce because I feared losing daily interaction with them and worrying about custody.

Fast forward to teen years, she finds a new therapist who encourages her to "self actualize." So she takes up hobbies, which is fine except they were expensive (horse riding), which added financial pressure. She worked sporadically as a real estate agent, but not consistently. I was still default parent for kids -- schools knew to call ME for things, not her, for example; the kids told them that.

As part of her self-actualization, she started an emotional affair with someone in Baltimore she worked on a project years ago. Then she started disappearing all day, ostensibly on real estate projects with the guy. I hired a PI, he confirmed the worst. The conflict in the relationship came to a head, we agreed to separate and then both saw lawyers.

But it was the affair that finally drove me to initiate the actual divorce. I think she came down to earth when the limerance bubble popped. But by then, I was done. The kids were older and in position of where they wanted to live. They chose to live with me and sometimes visited their mom.

So, in my instance, it was a man.
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