I am so over the disrespect
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Anonymous
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I found 1-2-3 Magic to be effective for stopping some of my 9-year-old's more challenging behaviors. You and DH decide on 1-2 behaviors you want her to STOP and corresponding ones you want her to START. Eg, you want her to STOP responding disrespectfully when you ask her to change tasks. You want her to START saying, "I don't want to do that, but I will" (or whatever.) You unroll this to her.
Tell her that the first time time she does the "stop" behavior, that's a 1. Second time is a 2. Third time, up to her room for 7 minutes. No discussion, no negotiation. The counting is a way for you to disengage and be calm. When the 7 minutes are done, she returns and re-enters. There doesn't need to be a conversation. You can decide if you want to tie incentives/punishments to it. Eg, if she gets to 3 twice in one weekend day, she loses iPad privileges; if she goes 3 days in a row without getting to 3, she gets (something fun you like to do together--you can ask her what this is.) The hardest thing will be getting her up for time-out. I don't know how people do that with younger kids (mine went willingly, but his issues are different.) I think it will show her that you're not tolerating the nonsense. I was disrespectful to my mom when I was a kid in the 70s/early 80s, and even today, I get why--I just find her very annoying in some ways. But there were things I liked to do with her, and if she hadn't bitten back at me, I probably would have lost some of the fun of pushing her buttons. Eliminating that and getting to, say, bake with her or listen to music while we did a craft would have steered me out of my nastiness, I bet. Good luck! I'm glad you're continuing to ask for help. |
Anonymous
| I also really like this guy, he helped me understand strong willed kids. Here’s his latest podcast on how kids are not supposed to be immediately obedient: https://celebratecalm.com/podcasts/ |
Anonymous
+1 I typically tell them they have one chance to restate it in a nice tone, then I say no/ignore. I have been known to require ‘practice’ for exceptionally rude tones and a slammed door always gets 10 practice closures to make sure they know how to close it. You also have to be willing and able to walk away and not engage. And as others say - you need the consequences to sting. My kids have gone days without screens. |
Anonymous
I’ll second him. He spoke at our school a few years ago and I was really impressed. Very insightful about kid behavior and helped me understand my dd in a way I didn’t see before. |
Anonymous
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If a seven year old has you this befuddled/ buckle up for the teen years.
do you have other kids? Your exasperation comes through loud and clear in the title. For a seven year old to be in charge is a system you’ve allowed and set up. It will not undo overnight. Read up on conscious parenting/ https://www.drshefali.com/ to figure out how you can heal yourself and help your child. |
Anonymous
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123 Magic is very effective with a kid like this, because it helps you keep your emotions out of it. You count when they don’t follow directions, get to three, and it’s a time out or immediate consequence. “That’s one to no dessert, that’s two to no dessert…” Give a minute to let her rethink in between.
You can also have her copy a paragraph about respect for each instance. You wrote it, and she has to copy it. “I know that respecting others is important. This includes my words, actions, and tone of voice. When I am respectful others know that I am doing the right things etc etc. This is not the kids with writing disabilities, it will get the point across quickly. They can copy it twice if need be. If you are really struggling with this, you should look for a parenting coach or family therapist, because this child will be very hard to parent as she gets older. She needs her energies redirected. Some kids are harder than others. And absolutely do what you can to bond with her alone. Think of it as putting money in her emotional bank. And try to remember that she truly doesn’t want to ruin her relationship with you. She’s acting out underlying feelings and might know better, but for some reason, isn’t able to do better. Good luck. |
Anonymous
I get his weekly emails! Love him. |
Anonymous
Thank you, I am going to listen to some of the podcasts and consider downloading the "2-7 years old" video. - op |
Anonymous
Spanking is effective. |
Anonymous
| Read How to talk so kids will listen, if you haven’t already. I have a 6.5yo with similar behaviors and it helped me a lot. Also be a little deaf/non-reactive to rudeness sometimes. My kid often realizes when she’s behaving badly and apologizes later. |
Anonymous
| ^ And don’t take away Uno/fun family time as consequences. You need those positive interactions to offset the negative ones where you have to instruct or discipline her. Good luck! |
Anonymous
+1 DD is your boss right now. You can talk respectfully to your husband all you like--that has very little to do with your DD running your house. |
Anonymous
| ^ Me again lol. We rarely give consequences actually. Logic being that having a good relationship with Mom and Dad should matter more to her than screen time or other frills. Not sure if it’s the right approach but overall working okay. |
Anonymous
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That’s not ok how you talk to me, I don’t talk to you this way
Don’t do any requested thing when she says it disrespectfully. Make her restate. Coach her by reframing |
Anonymous
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Oooh, one good spanking aka - chappal, thappad, chittar, chantaa, tamaacha.
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