I am so over the disrespect

[Anonymous]

DD7 is so rude to me. Sticks out her tongue, doesn’t do what I say, half asses the things we do ask her to do. I am so pissed about it all. I take stuff away, I praise her kindness, she just doesn’t care. Any advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD7 is so rude to me. Sticks out her tongue, doesn’t do what I say, half asses the things we do ask her to do. I am so pissed about it all. I take stuff away, I praise her kindness, she just doesn’t care. Any advice?

Is she your oldest?

[Anonymous]

Does she see a respectful cooperative relationship between you and your spouse, if you are married?

My kids really seemed to take cues from ex-DH.

Sorry things are hard, OP. I found the even ages to be a bit easier.

[Anonymous]

Are you taking big enough stuff away?

[Anonymous]

I have many questions:

What are the consequences specifically? How consistent are you about them? Are your expectations realistic? Is your communication clear? Does she behave at school? Does she watch YouTube/tiktok or shows with bratty kids? Does she have regular chores? Does she sleep ok?

[Anonymous]

This didn’t happen overnight. You need to reset expectations.

I say this with zero snark but a parenting class could give you anew perspective and give you lots of strategies to try. Sometimes little things can make a big difference.

You also absolutely some way to connect with her or nothing will work. Try drawing together, making rainbow looms, playing uno — whatever her interest is right now.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Many questions I’ll try to answer.

She’s my oldest
DH and I are not perfect but 99% of the time very respectful to each other and always to others. We definitely lose our cool with her when she’s disrespecting us.
We take away TV, dessert, iPad and Uno (that’s our special time, maybe I shouldn’t take that away).
They rarely watch tv on weeknights. YouTube and TikTok are not allowed at all. She really just plays Minecraft on the weekends. We do dance parties, hide and seek or color after school.
Her teacher talks like she’s teachers pet and is never disrespectful. She says she's her best listener (wtf?)
I took a parenting class for this reason in fall.

Maybe I need to manage my expectations.

[Anonymous]

Tell her to re-say things nicely if she's asking for something and make her do it over and over till she's nice and polite. Give her a time out. Send her to her room for an hour and take out the fun stuff.

[Anonymous]

A quick spanking will be worth a thousand time outs or confiscations or lectures, OP. I know DCUM doesn't condone corporal punishment, but it has the merit of being swift and effective.

If you don't want to do that, then you need to mete out much more immediate and awe-inspiring punishment than what you've been doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This didn’t happen overnight. You need to reset expectations.

I say this with zero snark but a parenting class could give you anew perspective and give you lots of strategies to try. Sometimes little things can make a big difference.

You also absolutely some way to connect with her or nothing will work. Try drawing together, making rainbow looms, playing uno — whatever her interest is right now.

This. Start here. You need to tap into the part of her that does care.

[Anonymous]

I would lean more towards the ignore than the swift punishment. If she says something snarky pretend you don't hear. If she sticks out her tounge, say "thats rude and disrespectful" and then walk away. If youre in the middle of an activity, stop.

If shes being willfully disobedient, like you ask her to clear her dishes and she says "no!" and sticks out her tongue, then you remind her what the consequence is and calmly ask her again.

This sounds like attention seeking, which is why i made these suggestions. Are your younger kids going through any changea right now? Did one of them just start school or potty training or anything like that? If so she may sense your attention is on them more than her and this is her "please pay attention to me again" reaction.

[Anonymous]

"Connect before you direct" is my favorite.

[Anonymous]

Of the few things my DH is consistent on it is correcting our kids when they are disrespecting me. That is a hard line in the sand for him. They are to always treat me with respect. I appreciate the back up more than I can say.

[Anonymous]

If she does something half-assed, tell her to re-do it right. Don't let her do anything else until she does that.

If she doesn't do what you tell her, stop her world - she can't pet the dog, can't have a snack, can't cuddle her stuffed animals, can't play - until she does what you've told her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Many questions I’ll try to answer.

She’s my oldest
DH and I are not perfect but 99% of the time very respectful to each other and always to others. We definitely lose our cool with her when she’s disrespecting us.
We take away TV, dessert, iPad and Uno (that’s our special time, maybe I shouldn’t take that away).
They rarely watch tv on weeknights. YouTube and TikTok are not allowed at all. She really just plays Minecraft on the weekends. We do dance parties, hide and seek or color after school.
Her teacher talks like she’s teachers pet and is never disrespectful. She says she's her best listener (wtf?)
I took a parenting class for this reason in fall.

Maybe I need to manage my expectations.

If she is NT and has any empathy at all, shame and guilt work better than anger. Try crying in front of her and letting her know how sad her behavior makes you feel.