Mother Shows No Interest in My Life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same, sorry to hear OP. My mom is either autistic or narcissistic or both. She lacks empathy. She’s self absorbed. It’s not old age, it’s been forever.
One day when I was really struggling, I finally asked why she wasn’t interested in hearing about my day?
And I went further. I said I couldn’t keep being the person to complain to, all the time. I couldn’t keep listening to her problems.

The phone call frequency decreased. Sometimes I just didn’t pick up. And now there are no more calls.
And this is just fine with me.

Oh man, I thought maybe I wrote this. My mom now cries that I don't call her, but years of listening to her ramble on about herself and her co-workers without a single question to me (or worse interrupting when I tried to talk) took it's toll on me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have observed that MIL & FIL is like that, MIL and FIL only talk about 2 topic with us: weather and sports. They don't ask how we are doing, even if after hearing about something we are going through, they never follow up to ask about it later. What is wrong with those people??? I can't understand it. Are those people so called "emotionally unavailable"?

Mine are even better. They will cut off DH when he tries to tell them something that our kids are doing and instead brag about some of their friends kids.

[Anonymous]

hearing about something we are going through

Many in previous generations aren't as comfortable with emotional talk. They actually are being polite in not telling you that they think whatever you're "going through" is exaggerated. Unless it's death. Or job loss.

To get your fair-share of conversation, interrupt if you have to. "Mom I need to now tell you what we've been doing." Parents would understand: you talk -now- I talk. Maybe don't expect them to remember details you mention. If you raise problems, angst, things you are wrestling-with that turns them off. They can't help or solve it for you and it's more emotion than they are use to. If you are having problems with the relationship with them it may be that what you think you need is a friend to help you solve problems, or build you out. That is not what they are going to do (again, if they haven't had this type of relationship with you before ..and they aren't having it with anyone)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

hearing about something we are going through

Many in previous generations aren't as comfortable with emotional talk. They actually are being polite in not telling you that they think whatever you're "going through" is exaggerated. Unless it's death. Or job loss.

To get your fair-share of conversation, interrupt if you have to. "Mom I need to now tell you what we've been doing." Parents would understand: you talk -now- I talk. Maybe don't expect them to remember details you mention. If you raise problems, angst, things you are wrestling-with that turns them off. They can't help or solve it for you and it's more emotion than they are use to. If you are having problems with the relationship with them it may be that what you think you need is a friend to help you solve problems, or build you out. That is not what they are going to do (again, if they haven't had this type of relationship with you before ..and they aren't having it with anyone)

Oh my! PP, I wish I could reach out to you for more insights like this. I think you nailed it, still difficult for me to understand how anyone can feel/behave/think that way, but at least you described how those people think, it is what it is. Can you possibly have a close relationship with those type of older generation? Can you feel emotionally close and supported? Or should you just accept them as who they are, stop expecting them to listen to your concerns or pay attention to your emotional needs, just keep emotional distance with them and move on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

hearing about something we are going through

Many in previous generations aren't as comfortable with emotional talk. They actually are being polite in not telling you that they think whatever you're "going through" is exaggerated. Unless it's death. Or job loss.

To get your fair-share of conversation, interrupt if you have to. "Mom I need to now tell you what we've been doing." Parents would understand: you talk -now- I talk. Maybe don't expect them to remember details you mention. If you raise problems, angst, things you are wrestling-with that turns them off. They can't help or solve it for you and it's more emotion than they are use to. If you are having problems with the relationship with them it may be that what you think you need is a friend to help you solve problems, or build you out. That is not what they are going to do (again, if they haven't had this type of relationship with you before ..and they aren't having it with anyone)

Up this again, hoping PP would come back to discuss further!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is the same. I have sort of accepted that she will never be the mother that I need. I call her much less than I used to.

+2. Except I knew this as far back as starting college. It has been a long road to accepting this and, for that reason, I really do not have a close relationship with her. I don't call much (nor does she).

Sadly, I knew it as far back as early elementary. My mother is a narcissist. She has taken an interest in my life or my children’s lives. At one point I told her that I thought she would have been a lot happier in life if she had never had kids.

[Anonymous]

This describes my mom. We rarely talk, but when we do, I could put the phone down and take a walk around the block before she asks me about what’s going on with me. That’s not the part that bothers me though. When I do share (my job had me working 50 hours this week, one of my kids woke me up at 4am) she laughs. Like she’s entertained by my hardships. What is that all about?? I have almost cut her off completely because I can’t handle it anymore.

[Anonymous]

This is my MIL. She endlessly tells me stories about other people, most of whom I don’t know. In 20 years of marriage she has never asked me anything about me or my kids (not even “how are you doing”). I’ve stopped trying to interrupt to tell her anything about my life because I know she’ll just force someone else who doesn’t know me to listen to each mundane detail…

[Anonymous]

I have the same story as everyone else here. I also haven't talked to my mother in 17 years. I suspect NPD, it was exhausting being raised by her and exhausting having to interact with her as an adult. I packed up at 18, moved out and that wasn't enough space from her nonsense. Life is calmer without the b.s.

[Anonymous]

My mom is the same.

[Anonymous]

this is just what happens as we age. We become like self-absorbed teenagers who only talk to our parents about ourselves… except now the role is reversed. That’s part of why it’s always been hard to take care of the elderly and why it’s so important to continue to care for them even when they don’t “give back” anymore.

[Anonymous]

Our mothers must have had a lot of emotional trauma growing up because they are all the same.

[Anonymous]

First of all, I read these posts and thank my lucky stars for my caring, nosy mom. Secondly, I think PPs should officially cut off the crappy, self-involved mothers you all describe because guaranteed they will be front and center when it comes to being cared for in old age. Draw the boundaries now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: this is just what happens as we age. We become like self-absorbed teenagers who only talk to our parents about ourselves… except now the role is reversed. That’s part of why it’s always been hard to take care of the elderly and why it’s so important to continue to care for them even when they don’t “give back” anymore.

Uh, nope

[Anonymous]

How sad, I just revisited this old thread and here’s another new one.
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/dev/posts/list/1028461.page