Withholding sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I genuinely get triggered when I hear men complain about their wives withholding sex, as though their wives are obligated to sleep with them, no matter what, just because they got married. I've had a period of low libido and my husband accused me of manipulating him to get him to change what he was doing because I did't want to have sex. But sex wasn't even on my mind! I was just depressed! It made me so mad.

But I know there are women who use sex to get what they want. Probably more than I think, just because it's such a foreign concept to me. I think it's awful. Unless it's some agreement that they have made with their husband, like they are sex workers or something.

By that token it's not a man's responsibility to work and pay for everything even though the couple are married. Oh, wait. If he doesn't work and support the family the wife will just file for divorce and say he's a deadbeat...

It's not a man's responsibility to work and pay for everything unless the couple has decided on that. People typically have conversations about roles, and these days a man paying for everything is quite rare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's funny - I just posted somewhere else and admitted that I do it when I am exhausted from doing too much at home (on top of a full-time job). It's not entirely manipulative; sometimes I am just dead tired from doing too much, and I need more help around the house, and DH listens. If we get divorced someday, I don't think it will be over this issue.

See its confusing is that considered withholding because your tired.

I agree and I wonder if your friends were talking about actually withholding the way you and I understand it or the way PP understands it. I think using sex as control is wrong and I'm curious how common that really is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's funny - I just posted somewhere else and admitted that I do it when I am exhausted from doing too much at home (on top of a full-time job). It's not entirely manipulative; sometimes I am just dead tired from doing too much, and I need more help around the house, and DH listens. If we get divorced someday, I don't think it will be over this issue.

See its confusing is that considered withholding because your tired.

I agree and I wonder if your friends were talking about actually withholding the way you and I understand it or the way PP understands it. I think using sex as control is wrong and I'm curious how common that really is.

Yes exactly and i didnt feed into it like tell me more lol.
But it got me thinking is this something that goes down? Meaning more or less he goes on a punishment thats how it comes across to me. But is it relationship specific i guess idk!??
Not every husband out there is mature for his age that i do know!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I genuinely get triggered when I hear men complain about their wives withholding sex, as though their wives are obligated to sleep with them, no matter what, just because they got married. I've had a period of low libido and my husband accused me of manipulating him to get him to change what he was doing because I did't want to have sex. But sex wasn't even on my mind! I was just depressed! It made me so mad.

But I know there are women who use sex to get what they want. Probably more than I think, just because it's such a foreign concept to me. I think it's awful. Unless it's some agreement that they have made with their husband, like they are sex workers or something.

By that token it's not a man's responsibility to work and pay for everything even though the couple are married. Oh, wait. If he doesn't work and support the family the wife will just file for divorce and say he's a deadbeat...

It's not a man's responsibility to work and pay for everything unless the couple has decided on that. People typically have conversations about roles, and these days a man paying for everything is quite rare.

+1

I make 3x what my DH does.

Does PP hail from 1952?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I genuinely get triggered when I hear men complain about their wives withholding sex, as though their wives are obligated to sleep with them, no matter what, just because they got married. I've had a period of low libido and my husband accused me of manipulating him to get him to change what he was doing because I did't want to have sex. But sex wasn't even on my mind! I was just depressed! It made me so mad.

But I know there are women who use sex to get what they want. Probably more than I think, just because it's such a foreign concept to me. I think it's awful. Unless it's some agreement that they have made with their husband, like they are sex workers or something.

you sound awful, and I'm willing to bet that you aren't super hot either. hugs to your poor husband.

Seriously? If a woman is too tired or doesn’t feel like having sex, she’s awful? I’d love a back/foot massage on demand but if DH doesn’t give it to me at the drop of a hat, we should get a divorce? Who decided that women have no say about having sex in a marriage. I’ll do it when I feel like it, occasionally when I don’t to make DH happy but it will be a cold day in hell if I’m expected to give it up every time he wants.

Thats a 100% the truth

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's funny - I just posted somewhere else and admitted that I do it when I am exhausted from doing too much at home (on top of a full-time job). It's not entirely manipulative; sometimes I am just dead tired from doing too much, and I need more help around the house, and DH listens. If we get divorced someday, I don't think it will be over this issue.

See its confusing is that considered withholding because your tired.

I agree and I wonder if your friends were talking about actually withholding the way you and I understand it or the way PP understands it. I think using sex as control is wrong and I'm curious how common that really is.

Yes exactly and i didnt feed into it like tell me more lol.
But it got me thinking is this something that goes down? Meaning more or less he goes on a punishment thats how it comes across to me. But is it relationship specific i guess idk!??
Not every husband out there is mature for his age that i do know!!!!

Can you go back and ask lol? I'm so curious! But yeah I know it happens because I've heard women give that advice and talk about how it works great for them. Only once in real life, once on DCUM, and a few times on instagram reels. I know people lie but I don't think they were all liars.

I can see how my husband thought I was being manipulative. I didn't want to be have sex because I was depressed and exhausted (sadly I didn't know this at the time so I was pretty ashamed of it when I realized my drive was low). I was depressed and exhausted because of things my husband was doing: taking on a bunch of extra work at his job to get ahead in his career and constantly criticizing the way I was doing things while he was gone. After a while of this I complained about it. So from his perspective, I stopped initiating when he started doing things I didn't like. Thank goodness we both understand so much more about sex and have a much better relationship, that was not a pleasant time!

[Anonymous]

Why would a woman withhold something she enjoys? Seems like a loss for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are two types of women who intentionally withhold sex to try to manipulate their spouse:

- those who are divorced, and those who eventually will be divorced.

I agree i didnt even realize this was a thing or why one would want to.

You must be joking?

I've never been any good at this, never even tried it in relationships because I really liked sex and usually if the relationship wasn't making me happy I didn't like the sex anymore and would quit the relationship entirely.

However since middle school I have heard other girls gossip about withholding - at those ages it's not sex, but other affection - as a means to manipulate in relationships. I'm sure it is a very common behavior among sexually active teens and beyond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's funny - I just posted somewhere else and admitted that I do it when I am exhausted from doing too much at home (on top of a full-time job). It's not entirely manipulative; sometimes I am just dead tired from doing too much, and I need more help around the house, and DH listens. If we get divorced someday, I don't think it will be over this issue.

See its confusing is that considered withholding because your tired.

I agree and I wonder if your friends were talking about actually withholding the way you and I understand it or the way PP understands it. I think using sex as control is wrong and I'm curious how common that really is.

Yes exactly and i didnt feed into it like tell me more lol.
But it got me thinking is this something that goes down? Meaning more or less he goes on a punishment thats how it comes across to me. But is it relationship specific i guess idk!??
Not every husband out there is mature for his age that i do know!!!!

Can you go back and ask lol? I'm so curious! But yeah I know it happens because I've heard women give that advice and talk about how it works great for them. Only once in real life, once on DCUM, and a few times on instagram reels. I know people lie but I don't think they were all liars.

I can see how my husband thought I was being manipulative. I didn't want to be have sex because I was depressed and exhausted (sadly I didn't know this at the time so I was pretty ashamed of it when I realized my drive was low). I was depressed and exhausted because of things my husband was doing: taking on a bunch of extra work at his job to get ahead in his career and constantly criticizing the way I was doing things while he was gone. After a while of this I complained about it. So from his perspective, I stopped initiating when he started doing things I didn't like. Thank goodness we both understand so much more about sex and have a much better relationship, that was not a pleasant time!

I will try and get more info lol but i dont see how you were wrong at all. He shouldnt have said anytning bad about sex from my view.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I genuinely get triggered when I hear men complain about their wives withholding sex, as though their wives are obligated to sleep with them, no matter what, just because they got married. I've had a period of low libido and my husband accused me of manipulating him to get him to change what he was doing because I did't want to have sex. But sex wasn't even on my mind! I was just depressed! It made me so mad.

But I know there are women who use sex to get what they want. Probably more than I think, just because it's such a foreign concept to me. I think it's awful. Unless it's some agreement that they have made with their husband, like they are sex workers or something.

By that token it's not a man's responsibility to work and pay for everything even though the couple are married. Oh, wait. If he doesn't work and support the family the wife will just file for divorce and say he's a deadbeat...

Of course it's not men's responsibility to pay for everything. I've always supported myself and make more than my husband. What backwoods did you climb out of?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think all of these things are true:

*Women shouldn't withhold sex to get what they want.

*Men shouldn't assume that women who don't want to have sex are withholding sex to get what they want.

*Women shouldn't have sex they don't want.

*Women should understand that marriages without sex often result in divorce.

*Men should understand that sometimes they need to do nonsexual things that are beneficial to their wife in order to create an environment more conducive to her wanting to have sex.

This is all true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I genuinely get triggered when I hear men complain about their wives withholding sex, as though their wives are obligated to sleep with them, no matter what, just because they got married. I've had a period of low libido and my husband accused me of manipulating him to get him to change what he was doing because I did't want to have sex. But sex wasn't even on my mind! I was just depressed! It made me so mad.

But I know there are women who use sex to get what they want. Probably more than I think, just because it's such a foreign concept to me. I think it's awful. Unless it's some agreement that they have made with their husband, like they are sex workers or something.

I’m a woman and for me it’s triggering that someone enters the monogamous institution of marriage without wanting to keep their end of the bargain. Yes, you are obligated to have sex your spouse. Otherwise, don’t get married.

If that was the deal you made when you got married, absolutely! But I never promised to have sex with my husband even when I am depressed and exhausted. I'm not obligated to do that at all and I genuinely feel sorry for people who think they are.

There's a big difference between too tired at a particular time and withholding completely. Everyone gets sick, gets tired, etc. You aren't obligated to have sex with your spouse at a particular time and place. But you are obligated to have sex with them as a general matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not wanting to have sex is not the same as witholding. Witholding is used in a manipulative way.

Being exhausted/depressed/sick isnt manipulation.

+1

This is an important distinction.

[Anonymous]

It’s not always withholding. Once DH was caling me obscene names, insulting my family, religion, beliefs, values, choices, needs, wants I lost all desire to sleep with him ever again. You don’t call me a c*nt repeatedly and then think I’m going to bed with you…ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not always withholding. Once DH was caling me obscene names, insulting my family, religion, beliefs, values, choices, needs, wants I lost all desire to sleep with him ever again. You don’t call me a c*nt repeatedly and then think I’m going to bed with you…ever.

Call it whatever you want he shouldnt be having sex with that behavior.
What is wrong with him? Im sorry!!