Typical views of in-laws?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most of my friends don’t seem too enamored by their in-laws (myself included). Nothing is terribly wrong with mine, but seeing them is definitely more of a chore/obligation than something I can actually enjoy doing. And usually when their visit is over, I breathe sigh of relief.

I would say most of my friends feel this way. Do you all share this sentiment and if you were to guess, how common is it for people to actually LIKE their in laws?

I breathe a sigh of relief when any visit is over, OP. Even people I really love.

[Anonymous]

Love my MIL and FIL because we have good boundaries with them that they respect. Hate my SIL, because she has no boundaries with anyone, and my BIL is okay but has such strict boundaries he’s rather aloof, lol.

But honestly, it all beats my family, who are the IL’s from hell—we live far away from all of them and close to my DH’s family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my in-laws! I know they don’t agree with me on all facets of parenting but they are very kind, loving and generous.

+1. And DH loves my parents. Win-win. Honestly, I had never heard the trope about people not loving their in-laws until I found DCUM, because everyone in my extended family has always become just part of the family. Gatherings include all the inlaws and their inlaws and whoever else drops by. Like my BIL's sister and her boyfriend du jour will show up at our family Thanksgiving. All good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like my in laws a lot. They are quirky, smart, loving, would support us no matter what. I don’t think many people in my circle have anything but love for their in laws. We are a pretty harmonious group with healthy family relationships.

NP here. Your ILs sound like warm, supportive, loving, open individuals. Not all of us are so fortunate.

I came from a family that would do everything together, mom's side - aunts, uncles and cousins, dad's side - aunts uncle and cousins, and us (mom, dad, me and all of my siblings). Everything seemed an extended family event, with lots of discussions and laughter. Holidays and almost every weekend was spent together, usually at one of the two grandparent couples' houses, or at a day outing. It was not perfect, but it was loud, joyous and celebratory. My parents and their friends were very supportive of their families and spent most of the time together, as well. This is not always the case, and you would be naive to think so.

After having married into DH's family, I realize not all families are open, warm, inclusive supportive, and (most of the time) harmonious. So, one can be raised in a warm and inclusive family, and still unknowingly not marry into a warm family. When one marries, the family (one marries into) does not wear a scarlet letter that represents being closed, enabling, narcissistic, exclusionary, unhealthy relationships, clannish and catty. Another example, some families barely know their cousins, and there can be huge cousin age differences (some decades - plural). One side might be barely invited to weddings - neither are acceptable in my family. It might be their normal to not be involved or close to their family.

It would be great to issue an extensive, detailed questionnaire to each and every family member upon marrying, but that is not very realistic.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s weird to expect a 30something, successful, independent person to automatically adore and feel close to a couple they’ve met a half dozen times (at most) before their wedding. Like all of a sudden this 60something couple you may have spent time with for about 12 days (visits all put together) is “family, and don’t you dare act like they’re not family.” Like, OK, give it a minute.

Especially when these are some 60somethings that are openly judging/observing/appraising you, are probably bossing you around and offering unsolicited advice to some degree, and feel entitled to share their opinion at every turn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like my in laws a lot. They are quirky, smart, loving, would support us no matter what. I don’t think many people in my circle have anything but love for their in laws. We are a pretty harmonious group with healthy family relationships.

NP here. Your ILs sound like warm, supportive, loving, open individuals. Not all of us are so fortunate.

I came from a family that would do everything together, mom's side - aunts, uncles and cousins, dad's side - aunts uncle and cousins, and us (mom, dad, me and all of my siblings). Everything seemed an extended family event, with lots of discussions and laughter. Holidays and almost every weekend was spent together, usually at one of the two grandparent couples' houses, or at a day outing. It was not perfect, but it was loud, joyous and celebratory. My parents and their friends were very supportive of their families and spent most of the time together, as well. This is not always the case, and you would be naive to think so.

After having married into DH's family, I realize not all families are open, warm, inclusive supportive, and (most of the time) harmonious. So, one can be raised in a warm and inclusive family, and still unknowingly not marry into a warm family. When one marries, the family (one marries into) does not wear a scarlet letter that represents being closed, enabling, narcissistic, exclusionary, unhealthy relationships, clannish and catty. Another example, some families barely know their cousins, and there can be huge cousin age differences (some decades - plural). One side might be barely invited to weddings - neither are acceptable in my family. It might be their normal to not be involved or close to their family.

It would be great to issue an extensive, detailed questionnaire to each and every family member upon marrying, but that is not very realistic.

To add, if there is favoritism in the family, it taints how the cousins see the grandparents. Don't act surprised if you are a grandparent guilty of this practice, and the grandchildren see it earlier than you wanted them to. Kids are smart, and figure things out for themselves.

[Anonymous]

I liked mine until we had kids. Relationship has been poor since. They don’t approve of how we parent and just will not let it go.

[Anonymous]

Local ILs. FIL is sweet and well-intentioned but he ends up playing spokesman and referee for MIL. MIL is dim-witted and self-involved.

[Anonymous]

My in laws only call when they need something, they didn't bother to call for Christmas, birthdays, when spouse was sick, just to see how we're doing or to check in on us. We've seen this clear as day they don't even try to hide it. It's insane. We've given up.

[Anonymous]

Given that most people on DCUM are unhappy with their lot in life it’s not surprising they don’t like their ILs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s weird to expect a 30something, successful, independent person to automatically adore and feel close to a couple they’ve met a half dozen times (at most) before their wedding. Like all of a sudden this 60something couple you may have spent time with for about 12 days (visits all put together) is “family, and don’t you dare act like they’re not family.” Like, OK, give it a minute.

Especially when these are some 60somethings that are openly judging/observing/appraising you, are probably bossing you around and offering unsolicited advice to some degree, and feel entitled to share their opinion at every turn.

NP and people also change too with age so you may not end up with what you thought you were getting, good or bad I suppose.

[Anonymous]

I'm meh on them. They're not bad people but are values are different. Different things in life are important to us. So they things they talk about bore me to tears and they don't relate to my interests. We parent differently and I don't care for how they talk to my kids and I try to carefully pick and choose when to speak up about it. If they were coworkers I would be polite but not engage in conversation.

I always thought I would have a better relationship with inlaws. Family is important to me, and there are plenty of older women at work that I'm very friendly with. I generally get along with people. I love the IL aunts and uncles and cousins. It's a good family. But I just don't click with the MIL and FIL.

[Anonymous]

Loved my in laws while dating and engaged and married loved visiting and spending time.

Now I have toddlers and they give them sugar and cookies nonstop and then say “you look busy let me get out of your way” as they’re hyper and crashing. And they nag about having the toddlers spend the night ha and make chilli only for dinner and it’s spicy. And yeah I manage I parent I adapt but I find them annoying now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s weird to expect a 30something, successful, independent person to automatically adore and feel close to a couple they’ve met a half dozen times (at most) before their wedding. Like all of a sudden this 60something couple you may have spent time with for about 12 days (visits all put together) is “family, and don’t you dare act like they’re not family.” Like, OK, give it a minute.

Especially when these are some 60somethings that are openly judging/observing/appraising you, are probably bossing you around and offering unsolicited advice to some degree, and feel entitled to share their opinion at every turn.

You sound like a peach.

FWIW, my son has been dating his girlfriend for a bit over a year, and during that time we’ve seen each other at least 10 times - the birthdays, Thanksgiving, an occasional brunch here and there, already more than half a dozen times.

[Anonymous]

I like my ILs but I still haven’t gotten over my MIL and her daughters all wearing black to our wedding.